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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Vamp Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Vamp by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy, Comedy - A vampiress has a bloody bad time.  - pdf, format


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jwent6688
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Richard, good to see you try to write something besides super heros for a change. I know that's your niche. Unfortunately, the ending punch line just needs set-up better. I don't get why she doesn't like AB-. I know it's the rarest blood type, but never heard a vamp complain about it before.

I also think you should get celtx. If you can't flip the bill for final draft. You'll write faster, probably net more reads.

James


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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure what to say here. I agree with James about the .doc format. Very annoying and means I have to download it in order to read which is a drag on a Mac since MS Word really slows down the computer... You should at least convert if to pdf before uploading. IMHO.

The script itself is not a story but rather a joke with a punchline. It doesn't punch very hard however.

Not sure that I can think of any suggestions for a better ending at this moment, but as it is now it falls pretty flat.

Not badly written or anything, just lacked story and/or punch.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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Actually, what if her tongue suddenly sticks out of her mouth and she say "Fuck! You're on Viagra!"  


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dogglebe
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with Pia that this script was a joke lacking a real punchline.


SPOILER SPACE

I'm surprised that the Vamp wouldn't like AB- blood, being it's so rare.  One would think that this would be a treat because it is so rare.

END SPOILER SPACE

I was surprised that this one page script had four orphans in it.  Easily corrected orphans.  You really should keep an eye on this in the future.  If you had this many orphans in a 100 page script, and were able to eliminate them, you could reduce your script the length by six or seven pages.


Phil
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khamanna
Posted: June 2nd, 2010, 12:12am Report to Moderator
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I used to do it in Word and then convert to pdf at http://www.pdfonline.com/
It's a free service, very effective, I loved it.
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khamanna
Posted: June 2nd, 2010, 12:16am Report to Moderator
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Regarding the script - I think it's a fun idea. Don't know whats an AB, have to Google.

Since it's a one page script, I think you could get rid of the unnecessary detail like "not overly feminine" (it doesn't serve any purpose, does it?).

The idea is fresh for me. Funny.
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tonkatough
Posted: June 2nd, 2010, 3:56am Report to Moderator
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didn't even notice any problems with the format. But when I got to the end of it I was like "What? Where's the rest." talk about a microscopic short.

But once I got over that I thought the punchline was worthy of a smile. A vampire fussing over blood is so totally opposite to what a vampire is all about it borders on the ridiculous but in a good way. But why stop there? She's got a victim she has rejected, what's she gonna do about it? Why not keep going with it and have the vampire get rid of her prey with out to much fuss.  


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TheRichcraft
Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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I'll have to try out celtx and pdf sometime.  The laptop I'm using once belonged to a friend of mine, and I'm still figuring out what it can and cannot do.  Once I finish up with the Hawkins and Dover scripts, I'll look into that.

I'm assuming that orphans refer to the Cont'd sections.  If not, please tel me what they are.

I was inspired to write the Vamp when I looked up old episodes of the Night Gallery on youtube.  They had short joke stories featurng monsters, and I wanted to put my spin on things.

Actually, I may use the Vamp for either a film script or book series ala Twilight.  After she puts the bite on Reed, he becomes immune to her hypnotism.  So she tells him about her origins.  But she only resembles a modern-day vampire.

I guess the consensus is mixed about my one-page script.  Oh, well.  I like the idea of vampires having really discriminating tastes.
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MattBCardenas
Posted: June 25th, 2010, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the script, I really love little 1-page scripts and stuff like this.  I would definitely recommend First Draft or Celtx, though, when I got First Draft I was amazed at how much faster I could write, and it makes the whole process seem like a lot more fun.  Keep up the great work!
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 25th, 2010, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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Well, your plug in James' thread worked, cause here I am commenting on your script.

Can't say I enjoyed it in any way, however.  The writing itself is pretty poor, actually, with passive verbiage, orphans (when you have a single word on its own on a line), awkward phrasing, etc.

Nothing positive to say. Sorry.  It is definitely a setup for a joke that falls very, very flat.  We know nothing about anyone, so why should we even care about either of these two?  I also think calling your main character "the vamp" is a big mistake. It comes off as very cheesy.

Sorry, but this doesn't work for me at all.
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TheRichcraft
Posted: June 25th, 2010, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the compliment, Matt.  

Can't please them all, Dreamscale.  

But I must admit to being confused about orphans.  I'm getting contradictory advice about my scripts.  A lot of you say that I need to tighten them up.  So that's what I did with The Vamp.  

Then the rest of you say that I'm using too many orphans.  (It sounds like I'm using child labor at a sweat shop.)

AAAAAARRRGH!  WHAT THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE WANT?

So please correct me if I'm wrong in that I shouldn't use too much dialogue but not to the point of using orphans, and that one-word replies are always wrong even though they may be just perfect for the scene as the characters may be shocked or very sick, which makes dialogue being very important but apparently not that important, and run-on sentences are still better than orphans but are also frowned upon as they interfere with the tightening of scripts, and even if I do tighten up my scripts, I can't win with you people because most of you can't lighten up, which makes me feel very low even though I jumped on the vampire-writing bandwagon and tried to write a story in you all can sink your teeth into, only to have some of you spit it out, which should have made my blood boil and therefore make me a hot meal for Dracula, but I have a thick skin except for my ingrown toenail, so I'll get by the best I can, even though the best I do sometimes brings out the worst in you guys and gals, but people are finally reading my scripts, and I sold stories to small comic-book companies after getting on simplyscripts.com, which I consider to be my good-luck charm, so I'm not going anywhere, but I am going to write another script without the sarcasm and exposition dialogue that exists in this reply.

Now say that three times fast.

Just had to vent a little, people.  Love your comments, good, bad, or blah.  I love having an audience no matter what the circumstances.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: June 25th, 2010, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TheRichcraft

I'm assuming that orphans refer to the Cont'd sections.  If not, please tel me what they are.



The Richcraft, please refer to this thread.  Yes, i started all this "Orphan" stuff during my review of his script.   Refer to berts post.  He had to correct my spelling.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1273535620/

Ghostwriter


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 25th, 2010, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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Rich, you are incorrect about orphans.  here's what they are.

When you have a single word "leak" onto the next line, all by itself, it's referred to as an orphan.  Basically, it's considered a waste of a line because, with tighter writing, you could/should do away with these poor little orphans.

I go as far as saying watch out even for 2 words that spill onto the next line. You can't do away with all of them, every time, but if you try, you can make a big difference.

Orphans have nothing to do with a single word of dialogue.  IMO, orphans really don't even exist in dialogue, as sometimes, exactly what you want your characters to say, will require one of the poor little bastards.

Does that make sense?  If not, I'll point out exactly where your 4 orphans are, as Phil noted.  I think 2 of them were in dialogue.

Let me know...
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TheRichcraft
Posted: June 25th, 2010, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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I got it now.  But jeesh--that seems like a very picky thing to mention.  When jwent explained it to me in a private email, I wrote that sarcastic run-on sentence in response.

I can tolerate criticism of my stories, but that was too much.  I've got plenty of scripts with orphans, and none of my agents ever complained to me about them.

I'm an English major, and I have read many books with orphans on pages.  I just don't know what the big deal is.  I certainly can't leave out too many words, which would render sentences meaningless or contradictory to what they should be.

And here I thought typos might be my worst problem in writing scripts.  
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