Ronnie & Julie by Simon Colligan (SiColl007) - Short - Two kids get in trouble… 12 pages - pdf, format

Hi Simon,

Good to see you improving. Couple of things to help you along:

-- Story wasn't bad though it did remind me somewhat of Romeo & Juliet.

-- No need to repeat continued a the bottom and top of each page - it's redundant and rarely, if at all used, in spec screenwriting.

-- Scene headings do not have a period at the end.

-- Hardly any typos. Noted one "her" should be "here." That's good.

-- Don't use "is sat."

-- The dialogue was on the nose (predictable) and not all that different between characters.

-- Too many characters for a 12 page short. 9 is just too many to make unique.

-- Your narrative style is fairly good with no blocks of text and was straightforward.

-- "Back away slowly" is a camera direction and not necessary, esp. at the end.

Hope this helps.

Gary

Hi Simon, just gave this one a read.

Overall I think it's okay, not bad but not too great either. The story is nothing new here, however the middle part did get some tension going on. The ending left something more to desire.

There are too many characters in the story. Some of them I don't even know what their purpose is. Why separate Eddie and Mario? They are the same character to me. And who's Lennie? I don't recall he did anything.

The action where Ronnie got killed can be written more clearly. I don't understand how Ronnie got killed. He bumped into the wall by himself? Or by Will? Since Will ran to where they were after Ronnie hit the wall, so it couldn't be Will. So why did Julie said Will killed Ronnie?

The reaction from Julie after she saw Ronnie got killed didn't sound natural to me. I think she'd probably scream and in shocked. She wouldn't be accusing Will so soon.

I like the tension in the phone conversation. You could've used INTERCUT instead of the numerous sluglines. I like how Tommy is so worried that Marcelo got his daughter, when it was Julie who came to him.

I didn't get the next scene. Why did Tommy call Lennie? For what? And then it's Marcelo who picked up the phone?? Huh? Maybe it's just me, you can clear that up a little bit more.

Now the ending, I suspect it was Julie who got killed by Marcelo and she got put into the trunk afterward, is that right? This ending is alright, but there doesn't seem to be a punch to it. Cuz the entire story is so straightforward, I'd expect something more in the ending. If you balance the story out with more complications in the middle, maybe I'll forgive this ending.

I spotted quite a few typos and format errors throughout the script. Don't need to capitalize TOMMY the second time. No period after each slugline. No Continued is needed.

Sorry if I sounded harsh, but that's just what I thought about it. Hope you can re-write this. Good luck.

Herman

Quoted from grademan Hi Simon, -- Story wasn't bad though it did remind me somewhat of Romeo & Juliet. -- No need to repeat continued a the bottom and top of each page - it's redundant nd rarely, if at all used, in spec screenwriting. -- Scene headings do not have a period at the end. -- Don't use "is sat." -- The dialogue was on the nose (predictable) and not all that different between characters. -- Too many characters for a 12 page short. 9 is just too many to make unique. -- Your narrative style is fairly good with no blocks of text and was straightforward.

Hi there - thanks for the feedback
- yes the story was a slight reworking of R & J
- pain in backside taking all my periods out, but there you go...
- too many characters, yes, true, but it is a script that could be worked into something longer.
- I'm still trying to work on getting character to sound and feel different - it's easy when you see it but not so easy to convey it...
Cheers
Simon

Quoted from Coding Herman There are too many characters in the story. Some of them I don't even know what their purpose is. Why separate Eddie and Mario? They are the same character to me. And who's Lennie? I don't recall he did anything.

Lennie is basically a private hired hand who does some dirty work. He is the one that finds Julie in the boot of the car. I can see your point about Eddie & Mario, but it's useful to have two people to drive the story forward - also I have tended to use two like this - may not of been to the best effect here though.

Quoted Text The action where Ronnie got killed can be written more clearly. I don't understand how Ronnie got killed. He bumped into the wall by himself? Or by Will? Since Will ran to where they were after Ronnie hit the wall, so it couldn't be Will. So why did Julie said Will killed Ronnie?

The action you are referring to: Ronnie wasn't killed at that point - Julie just beleived he had been. He was shot in the shoulder knocking him onto the wall, rendering him unconscious. The script is based on Romeo & Juliet, so she has to beeleive that he is dead. Wil fires the shot that hits him in the shoulder, beleiving them to be tresspassers.

Quoted Text The reaction from Julie after she saw Ronnie got killed didn't sound natural to me. I think she'd probably scream and in shocked. She wouldn't be accusing Will so soon.

She did scream, but she also knew what she was playing with, there are reference in the script to Ronnie having been beaten up by these guys, and Julie warning him that they will kill him.

Quoted Text I like the tension in the phone conversation. You could've used INTERCUT instead of the numerous sluglines. I like how Tommy is so worried that Marcelo got his daughter, when it was Julie who came to him.

Thanks, will do in future.

Quoted Text I didn't get the next scene. Why did Tommy call Lennie? For what? And then it's Marcelo who picked up the phone?? Huh? Maybe it's just me, you can clear that up a little bit more.

Tommy called Lennie to go and check the car that Julie had been left in - the other guys went to the hospital to get ready to finish Ronnie off if it was Julie in the car. Not too sure about which bit you are referring to after that... can you give me a page number..?

Quoted Text Now the ending, I suspect it was Julie who got killed by Marcelo and she got put into the trunk afterward, is that right?

Yup

Quoted Text This ending is alright, but there doesn't seem to be a punch to it. Cuz the entire story is so straightforward, I'd expect something more in the ending. If you balance the story out with more complications in the middle, maybe I'll forgive this ending.

The only thing I can say here, is that Ronnie isn't dead until Eddie and Mario go to the hospital and put another bullet in him - I though that was punch enough - both families has killed there other families kids - can any dispute get more tragic, following what was a misunderstanding..?

Quoted Text I spotted quite a few typos and format errors throughout the script. Don't need to capitalize TOMMY the second time. No period after each slugline. No Continued is needed. Sorry if I sounded harsh, but that's just what I thought about it. Hope you can re-write this. Good luck.

It's not harsh (you should read some of my other feedback) it's fair comment - some friends 'n' family have said they find it a bit confusing, so maybe a re-write is needed. Thanks for your input.
Simon

Quoted from Forgive The action you are referring to: Ronnie wasn't killed at that point - Julie just beleived he had been. He was shot in the shoulder knocking him onto the wall, rendering him unconscious. The script is based on Romeo & Juliet, so she has to beeleive that he is dead. Wil fires the shot that hits him in the shoulder, beleiving them to be tresspassers.

I reread the scene, it said: "A loud CRACK emits from behind them as they are feet away from the wall. Ronnie's upper left shoulder erupts."

Maybe you can write it more clearly what the actual CRACK is -- the sound of a gun firing. This is because I don't think gun firing makes CRACK sound.

Quoted from Forgive Tommy called Lennie to go and check the car that Julie had been left in - the other guys went to the hospital to get ready to finish Ronnie off if it was Julie in the car. Not too sure about which bit you are referring to after that... can you give me a page number..?

Ohhh.....I didn't even realize Ronnie is in the hospital. I know Will called the ambulance for Ronnie, but in order to know why Tommy sent guys to the hospital, it'll be better to actually show that Ronnie is in the hospital beforehand. Just to make it more clear.

The most confusing part is on page 11. Tommy dials a number for Lenny, then the next scene is Marcelo picking up a phone, and then how come Tommy picks up a ringing phone again afterward????? Marcelo is talking about the white Sedan to who? Tommy? Why would Marcelo do that?

Quoted from Forgive The only thing I can say here, is that Ronnie isn't dead until Eddie and Mario go to the hospital and put another bullet in him - I though that was punch enough - both families has killed there other families kids - can any dispute get more tragic, following what was a misunderstanding..?

I thought it was Julie in the hospital after Lenny discovered her in Sedan's trunk. I never realize Ronnie is actually in the hospital. Wouldn't it have more impact if you can actually show Mario and Eddie gunning Ronnie down?

BTW, you might want to take a look at this script, it's also an adaptation of Romeo and Juliet but told in gangster style in 5 pages:

http://www.moviepoet.com/script.aspx?scriptid=554

Quoted from Coding Herman The most confusing part is on page 11. Tommy dials a number for Lenny, then the next scene is Marcelo picking up a phone, and then how come Tommy picks up a ringing phone again afterward????? Marcelo is talking about the white Sedan to who? Tommy? Why would Marcelo do that?

Main reason is that for Tommy, the slug line says a short time later.

I do in general take on board what you are saying, some of my friends have read this, and have said it's a bit confusing, I didn't want to make too many connections for the reader, as it's sometime good for people to make those connections - but sometimes it has to be clear.

Thx.

Quoted from Coding Herman BTW, you might want to take a look at this script, it's also an adaptation of Romeo and Juliet but told in gangster style in 5 pages: http://www.moviepoet.com/script.aspx?scriptid=554

Cheers - took a look and had a read (while I should have been working....

Liked it, just thought that Rome needed more motivation to take his own life - his death was a little dry, became more plot led than character led.

Thanks for the tip anyway.

Simon