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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Slick Moderators: bert
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  Author    Slick  (currently 1305 views)
Don
Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Slick by Spencer McDonald - Short, Horror - An old man of the sea is fed up with CEO's and their waste so he cleans up the world of one more. 5 pages.  - pdf, format


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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Well, Spencer, it's not terrible by any means, but there are lots and lots of mistakes on display here, sorry to say.  Story-wise, it's OK, but it just doesn't quite deliver, either.

Lots of typos, missing commas, poor grammar, big blocks of text, over writing, etc.  Biggest issue, though is the fact that you use a total unfilmable as the crux of your story.  You tell us that Charles is the CEO or whatever of BG.  In a filmed version, this would not translate to film, and thus, we would have no clue who this guy is or what he has to do with the oil spill. To get this across successfully, you'd need another scene showing who Charles is...maybe a Flashback of some kind...not sure.

Good effort, and very timely with all the shit about the oil spill.  Keep at it!

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  June 23rd, 2010, 8:47pm
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jwent6688
Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Well then now now then....

Seriously Jeff, did you write this? I thought you would've destroyed this thing otherwise. Spencer McDonald??? Please stand up.

If Jeff didn't write it... Could be a good story without all the bad writing. Like what this got at. Need better delivery.

James


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
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James, WTF?  Did I write this?  Hell, no!  How could I submit this under an alias?  No, I definitely did not write this, nor do I know who did.

Was it good?  Hell, no, but it wasn't piss poor, and it's most likely a first time effort, so I tried to be nice, for the most part.
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jwent6688
Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Thought it was you having a bit of a, whatcha call em, pisstake. With the movie magic headers on the side.

If the real author shows up, I'll give the best advice I can. Still wondering. You did ask how george posted the latest Cabin episode under an alias. Was just my first thought.

James


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khamanna
Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 10:51pm Report to Moderator
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Nice heartfelt story. And pretty visual. All the visuals are interesting and well conceived.

I think it's repetitive at the beginning.
The name "Charles" is not capitalized in one place.
The last slug should read EXT. OCEAN perhaps.
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TheRichcraft
Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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Too topical to be filmed right away.  Would be dated pretty quickly.

Not that we should forgive this inexcusable tragedy.
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AngelofDeath
Posted: June 24th, 2010, 1:23am Report to Moderator
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As I read...

1. "He stairs intently ahead, as if in a trance."  Should be stares.

2."He grabs the oars, and rows as if on a mission of some kind."  Drop "of some kind".  Reads better -- tighter IMO.

3. "Soon the shirt is soaks."  I think you meant soaked.

4. "An ages spotted hand jets into the cooler and comes out with a large sponge."  Should be age spotted not ages.

5. "The birds flaps its wings slower."  Bird not birds.

6. "With one hand he hold the birds beak open and inserts the baster to suck out oil."  Holds not hold.

7. "A tear rolls down his cheek against his stoic expression."  This sentece reads awkward to me.

Okay...a lot of typos, but nothing a good proofread couldn't fix.  As Hemingway put it, "The first draft of anything is shit."  So aside from needing a proofread the idea is good and extremely topical, but as TheRichcraft pointed out, too topical to be filmed anytime soon.  The ohter thing that needs work...too much telling and not enough showing.  I think Dreamscale hit on the fact that you tell the reader Charles is the CEO of BG Oil but we never actually see it.  Economy of words is another area that needs work.  You should be as lean (wordwise) as possible in a script.

Keep writing.  You'll only get better.
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spencerforhire
Posted: June 25th, 2010, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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Thanks to everyone for reading!

I appreciate your honest feedback. Well, I appreciate honest (useful) feedback.

For those that gave me good advice, my hat is off to you.

For the past year I have been stagnant in my writing and am attempting to re-engage. If you are not sure who I am, I encourage you to search my name and read some of my stuff. It isn't all bad. I am not new.

As well, this was not written to be produced in anyway. This piece was merely practice. Yes I should have proofed it better. I apologize and will do better next time.

Looking forward to re-engaging and rebuilding my writing muscle as I re-find my passion and perfect it again.

Thanks again to all.

Spencer McDonald


I got nothing.  
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jwent6688
Posted: June 25th, 2010, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Spencer, humble apologies. I thought someone was writing under an alias. Am wrong. I think most typos have been pointed out. The story is good for the current time. I hope you keep writing and posting here. I'll be more serious next time. Was on a bit of a bender the other night.

James


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 25th, 2010, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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When aren't we on benders, James?  I see some curves directly ahead of me tonight!  Gotta keep the car on the road...

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cloroxmartini
Posted: June 25th, 2010, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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Simple little revenge. Predictable story. A few grammatical errors and a bit verbose.
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Coding Herman
Posted: June 25th, 2010, 10:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Spencer, overall I liked it. The story fits what happens right now with the oil spill.

The writing is very visual. I can picture almost everything you write, such as the oil-filled ocean, the sunset, the steaming pot, etc. Just watch out for typos and grammar mistakes. And there's too much black on the first page, you might want to trim out some of the action/description. Just tighten it up a little bit.

How do we know Charles is the CEO of the oil company? You might have to add in some dialogue between the Man and Charles to convey this information. And please give our protagonist, the Man, a name.

I think it's good for a straightforward thriller/horror.

Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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spencerforhire
Posted: June 25th, 2010, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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No apology needed by anyone.

This story sucked up the place. I believe it. Been on my own little bender lately. Big time writers block. Just wanted to ship something.

Next shipment will be better. Story wise it will be better. Typographical maybe not. That is why I pay someone to proof read my feature lengths before being shipped for reading.

So, for anyone interested in helping me please focus on story story story.

Everything else can be fixed with cash.

Spencer McDonald


I got nothing.  
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TheRichcraft
Posted: June 27th, 2010, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
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Send me your scripts and I'll be glad to proofread them for cash, lol.
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