All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Slick by Spencer McDonald - Short, Horror - An old man of the sea is fed up with CEO's and their waste so he cleans up the world of one more. 5 pages. - pdf, format
Well, Spencer, it's not terrible by any means, but there are lots and lots of mistakes on display here, sorry to say. Story-wise, it's OK, but it just doesn't quite deliver, either.
Lots of typos, missing commas, poor grammar, big blocks of text, over writing, etc. Biggest issue, though is the fact that you use a total unfilmable as the crux of your story. You tell us that Charles is the CEO or whatever of BG. In a filmed version, this would not translate to film, and thus, we would have no clue who this guy is or what he has to do with the oil spill. To get this across successfully, you'd need another scene showing who Charles is...maybe a Flashback of some kind...not sure.
Good effort, and very timely with all the shit about the oil spill. Keep at it!
Thought it was you having a bit of a, whatcha call em, pisstake. With the movie magic headers on the side.
If the real author shows up, I'll give the best advice I can. Still wondering. You did ask how george posted the latest Cabin episode under an alias. Was just my first thought.
1. "He stairs intently ahead, as if in a trance." Should be stares.
2."He grabs the oars, and rows as if on a mission of some kind." Drop "of some kind". Reads better -- tighter IMO.
3. "Soon the shirt is soaks." I think you meant soaked.
4. "An ages spotted hand jets into the cooler and comes out with a large sponge." Should be age spotted not ages.
5. "The birds flaps its wings slower." Bird not birds.
6. "With one hand he hold the birds beak open and inserts the baster to suck out oil." Holds not hold.
7. "A tear rolls down his cheek against his stoic expression." This sentece reads awkward to me.
Okay...a lot of typos, but nothing a good proofread couldn't fix. As Hemingway put it, "The first draft of anything is shit." So aside from needing a proofread the idea is good and extremely topical, but as TheRichcraft pointed out, too topical to be filmed anytime soon. The ohter thing that needs work...too much telling and not enough showing. I think Dreamscale hit on the fact that you tell the reader Charles is the CEO of BG Oil but we never actually see it. Economy of words is another area that needs work. You should be as lean (wordwise) as possible in a script.
I appreciate your honest feedback. Well, I appreciate honest (useful) feedback.
For those that gave me good advice, my hat is off to you.
For the past year I have been stagnant in my writing and am attempting to re-engage. If you are not sure who I am, I encourage you to search my name and read some of my stuff. It isn't all bad. I am not new.
As well, this was not written to be produced in anyway. This piece was merely practice. Yes I should have proofed it better. I apologize and will do better next time.
Looking forward to re-engaging and rebuilding my writing muscle as I re-find my passion and perfect it again.
Spencer, humble apologies. I thought someone was writing under an alias. Am wrong. I think most typos have been pointed out. The story is good for the current time. I hope you keep writing and posting here. I'll be more serious next time. Was on a bit of a bender the other night.
Hi Spencer, overall I liked it. The story fits what happens right now with the oil spill.
The writing is very visual. I can picture almost everything you write, such as the oil-filled ocean, the sunset, the steaming pot, etc. Just watch out for typos and grammar mistakes. And there's too much black on the first page, you might want to trim out some of the action/description. Just tighten it up a little bit.
How do we know Charles is the CEO of the oil company? You might have to add in some dialogue between the Man and Charles to convey this information. And please give our protagonist, the Man, a name.
I think it's good for a straightforward thriller/horror.
Herman
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
This story sucked up the place. I believe it. Been on my own little bender lately. Big time writers block. Just wanted to ship something.
Next shipment will be better. Story wise it will be better. Typographical maybe not. That is why I pay someone to proof read my feature lengths before being shipped for reading.
So, for anyone interested in helping me please focus on story story story.