Flashes by Craig Ramirez (Craiger6) - Short - When your life flashes before your eyes, what do you share with those closest to you? 3 pages - pdf, format

This is a nice, quick little tale.  I like how you began it already in flashback montage instead of showing some establishing shot in the restaurant.

On page 2, it should "choking", not chocking.

"and lands anticlimactically on the floor of
the restaurant."  Don't think you need "anticlimactically" there.  It just sounds awkward.

Also, isn't the Heimlich maneuver performed around the gut, not the chest?  

Otherwise, nice job.

This was pretty good. I liked him seeing his whole life in reverse while death lingers. In your reverse montage though, There is one problem...  

He meets Arrisa first. Then next in backwards montage he's kissing her breasts. should be the other way around IMO.

A nice short. I enjoyed it. Not much character, your choice, just good story.

James

The reverse montage was a great departure from the usual birth to near-death scenes found in most films.  Very nice touch.

I liked it a lot. And really liked the stuff you included in your series of shots - the stuff that's important to him, too F's (should be F and G - on purpose? - also these two should be switched I think).

And the end - "only you and him" works very well.

I agree with the reverse montage being a great idea.  Works really well.  The last line was good too.

Hi All,
Thanks for taking the time to read and provide some feedback.  It’s much appreciated.

This is another short that I wrote a couple of months ago but was hesitant to post mostly because of the use of the flashback.  I know that a lot of people don’t really like it, but ultimately I decided to run with it since it kind of is what it is, a quick, little short.  I’m glad you guys enjoyed it for the most part.

In an earlier version, the last flashback was actually of a new born baby being born.  I wanted that to be Jake’s flash of his child being born, and in this way, you have Arissa at the start, and this his child being born at the end, but I didn’t think it would be clear as most would assume it was Jake.  

I also like that with this ending, the last line kind of leaves open the fact that he isn’t being 100% honest with Arissa, even though he loves her.

Ryan:

Thanks for the spelling error, I’ll adjust.  And yes, you are right about the Heimlich.  Thanks for the catch.

JWent:

“He meets Arrisa first. Then next in backwards montage he's kissing her breasts. should be the other way around IMO.”

As you pointed out, it started with Arissa and then moved backward through his life.  The girl he meets in school, then at the kegger, and finally scores with was intended to be an entirely different girl.  The thrust behind this little short was that even though we can be completely devoted to that person we decide to spend our lives with; nothing changes the fact that you lived another life before meeting that person.  In this instance, the moments where he met this particular girl and hooked up with her stayed with him.  I could have probably made this clearer though.  Thanks for pointing it out.

The Rich:

“The reverse montage was a great departure from the usual birth to near-death scenes found in most films.  Very nice touch.”

Thanks for the read, and glad you enjoyed it.  

Khamanna:

“I liked it a lot. And really liked the stuff you included in your series of shots - the stuff that's important to him, too F's (should be F and G - on purpose? - also these two should be switched I think).”

No, that’s a typo from when I took out one of the shots.  Damn.  Thanks for pointing it out and taking the time.  Glad you liked the ending.

Angel:

Thanks for the read man.  Glad you liked the last line as well.

Well, thanks again for the reads and tips.  Much appreciated.

Craiger

Hi Craig,

Awwww.....that was sweet in the end. I think the series of shots in the beginning worked, the backward sequence is actually more effective than the other way around.

Nothing much to say here. A very straightforward incident and it's written well. I enjoyed it. Thanks.

Herman

This wasn't for me.

I found the start of the script tiresome.  Starting with a montage rather than an actual story didn't work for me.  Plus the montage was like huge compared with the rest of this script.  It's out of proportion.

All the best,


Javier

Hi Herman,

Glad you enjoyed it...even if it was a little saccharin.  Haha.  Thanks for the read, bud.

Hi Jayrex,

Sorry this one didn't do much for you.  I've never quite understood the aversion to the use of flashbacks, but I knew going in that the flashback sequence was going to be hit or miss for some people.  

With regard to the size of the flashback, I guess I would argue that that was the point to a certain extent.  He had lived a whole other life before meeting his wife and having his child, and these are the events that flashed before his eyes.  The restaurant scene is but a blip on the radar screen compared to the rest of his life.

Anyway, hopefully I can get you next time.  Thanks for taking the time to give it a read.

Thanks,
Craig

hey Craig,

i enjoyed this. pretty well-written and it held my attention throughout. my biggest problem is that the last line kind of conflicts with the montage. i would re-tweak the montage to make the ending even stronger and more poignant.

just a thought. but overall, well worth reading

oh and i would remove the line about having the man's arms around his tits. seems out of place. you would think that he would eventually grow up and mature a bit

Alright, I didn't get it. I'm kind of sleepy and I'll probably read it again after waking up, but till then, can someone explain it briefly? I didn't get the last part.

Quoted from Craiger6 ...I've never quite understood the aversion to the use of flashbacks...

I'm not against flashbacks.

I've even used them myself.

Craig,

I like the concept of this, but the script left something to be desired. I have no problem with the use of flashbacks or having a montage, but I do agree that it was a little jarring to begin the script that way without establishing who Jake is in present day.

I'm impressed that you managed to give a 3 page script emotional weight (as much as a 3 page script can have, at least).

Overall, good work!

-Chris

Hi Guys,

Thanks for taking the time.

Albino,

my biggest problem is that the last line kind of conflicts with the montage. i would re-tweak the montage to make the ending even stronger and more poignant.

Yeah, I was kind of going for the fact that his line "just you and him" conflicted with his actual flash.  The thought being that we don't always share everything even with the one's we love the most.  I also like that the reader can take it one of two ways.  They can either think that he is being kind to his wife, or they can think he is kind of a dick for not thinking just of his wife and kid.  That said, in an earlier draft, the last flash was of a child being born.  The implication that it was his son, but I thought it could be confused for his birth so I decided to strike it.  

"oh and i would remove the line about having the man's arms around his tits. seems out of place. you would think that he would eventually grow up and mature a bit"

Ha, fair point, and the more I think about it, it does seem terribly misplaced.  I just thought after almost choking that maybe he would be a little disoriented and say something off color, but I'm inclined to agree with you.  If I make any changes, I'll take it out.

Naviobb,

"Alright, I didn't get it. I'm kind of sleepy and I'll probably read it again after waking up, but till then, can someone explain it briefly? I didn't get the last part."

Sorry I didn't hook you with this one right off the bat.  Was my take on the whole "life flashing before your eyes" phenomenom when you go through a harrowing experience.  What do you tell those closest to you?  That the life that flashed before your eyes was all about them, even if it wasn't?  

Anyway, thanks for taking the time.

Jayrex,

"I'm not against flashbacks. I've even used them myself."

I was just speaking generally there.  It seems like that is one of the hot button issues people tend to raise in their comments.

Chris,

"I like the concept of this, but the script left something to be desired. I have no problem with the use of flashbacks or having a montage, but I do agree that it was a little jarring to begin the script that way without establishing who Jake is in present day."

Thanks for the read.  Yeah, I hear you on not having introduced him.  To be honest, there isn't much character here at all, but I was hoping that you might be able to get to know Jake a bit through the series of shots.  You're point is a good one though.  I'd have to give it some thought on how to possibly switch it up a bit.

Anyway, thanks again for taking the time guys.  Much appreciated.

Craig