Making Miles by Des Nnochiri - Short, Horror - A frustrated alchemist's attempt to make the perfect man takes a nasty turn, when her creature develops a dangerous will of its own. 5 pages - pdf, format

I don't do horror.

Good thing for you, this isn't horror, it's good.

I'd say it's a great start to something bigger. You could have a lot of fun with this one.

I agree with with Clorox. Sounds like a start to something bigger. An interesting story that leaves alot unexplained.

Your dialogue was the weakest point IMO. Alot of sudden stops. Periods. Maybe it sounds better in your mind, but felt off to me.

Also don't get why you put (Miles!?!) in a wrylie when her line is Miles.

Anyway, Not bad. I liked it overall.

James

And here, wryly aside, I think the dialogue is a strong point.

Hi Des, just gave this one a read. I enjoyed it, but there are something to improve on.

I liked the beginning, very intriguing with Lisa Beth trying to make a Frankenstein-like perfect man. You got all the ingredients there: human heart, mandrake root, magic book, and whatnot.

But I'm a bit confused after Miles appear. Apparently the experiment didn't work and Lisa Beth thought Miles is her creation. But I'm too sure who Mile is, I'm guessing some kind of agents or police force. But if so, how come he told her to run away and not capture her?

Or am I reading too deep into things? Miles is actually Lisa Beth's creation and he didn't want her to be his master. So he called the police to capture her. Actually that may make more sense according to the story. Please enlighten me.

Writing-wise, there are some chatty asides:

- "A leather book. Could be human skin. Probably is."
- "Clearly, the occasion demands a little more than this."

And what's with the wrylies (MILES?!?), could have just written it out in dialogue form. And one more here: (not again....)

I quite enjoyed this piece, but there's some plot points that aren't too clear for me.

Good job.

Herman

The subject matter is fun - she needs to make a man of her own to completely own him.
All her voodoo making was fun to read.

I don't see the reason or explanation for Mile's actions. That part felt rushed.

Cracking short - really enjoyed reading that.

Snappy, clever dialogue.

Surprising and funny.

And easy to film.

Yep, very good.

Quoted from cloroxmartini And here, wryly aside, I think the dialogue is a strong point.

MILES
It’ll take them a while. To check.
I’d say you have an hour. Hour and a half, max.
Before the cops arrive, and arrest you for
murder. I were you, I’d be gone, by then.

Or...

MILES
It’ll take them a while to check.
I’d say you have an hour. Hour and a half max.
Before the cops arrive  and arrest you for
murder. I were you I’d be gone by then.

Twas the over use of commas and periods for me. Sounded off. Always good to get a rebuttal from someone who never posts any work. From the author, i have no problem with it. From you Clorox, I do.

James

Contrast, not rebuttal.

Thanks for all the observations and comments, people.
Advice and criticisms greatly appreciated, and duly noted.
Thanks again.

Des

Hi all,

Des, (if you don't mind) I didn't like it, I'll explain.

Formatting is an issue, but it's not that bad though.

SPOILERS

How did Miles know she killed someone and why he was created? I know he saw the heart, but that could have came from anywhere. Also what caused Miles to act independently? None of this is explained...

IMO something should have been missing from the "ingredients" (something she forgot to add), which causes his independence. He should also find the dead body (maybe Lisa hid the body in her house) and she should first explain why he was created...

And finally, I would have used the title to "Making Love" instead...Just my opinion of course.

Oh, and surely this is a comedy rather than Horror.

Hope this helps.