The Twins by Eric Pena - Short, Action, Adventure - No Logline 10 pages - pdf, format

Eric,

This was a pretty cool story.  I found myself rooting for Tatianna.   On the downside you've got several formatting issues that need to be cleaned up.  Unfortunately I don't have the time to get into it, but I'm sure someone else will be more than happy to assist you if you ask.

Again, this was an interesting story.
Well done on that part.

Hi Eric,

So I thought this was interesting, and, at certian points, you really drew me in, but I have to admit to being a little perplexed by the ending.  Is this intended to be part of something bigger?  A series perhaps?  As it is now, I think you need to provide some closure for the reader.

I would add a logline here so that you can give people an idea of what this is about.

I rather enjoyed the Tatianna character ans as Screenrider said above, I was rooting for her.  

I've made a couple of suggestions below.

P.  1

"Two well dressed Mafia men exit the car and walk inside the warehouse."

I think you can capitalize MAFIA MEN, or better yet maybe just refer to them as GOONS.

P.  1

You have some rather long action sequences.  As a general rule of thumb, I beleive you should try and keep them at 4 lines max, so you should probably break some of this up, so you have a bit more white space.

P.  1

Dialouge box, Tatianna should be capitalized.

P.  1

Why not name the mafia boss?

p.  5 (I think.  You should add page numbers in the upper right)

BRAD
(stuffy nose; sighs)
I really don't think its such a
good idea to put me on the
register today. Not with the h1n1
floating around.

Haha, I thought this was funny.  In a couple of lines of dialouge, we know what kind of guy Brad is.  I also likes his little song.

P.  5

BRAD'S POV
Tatianna's swollen eye.
BACK TO SCENE
Beat

I don't think this is properly formatted.  I would drop the Brad's POV and just write it as an action sequence.  Something like, "Brad looks up from the cash register and briefly notices Tatianna's swollen eye".

Also, I think you can get rid of the BACK TO SCENE.

P.  5

"Brad reaches inside his pocket and hands her his cell phone."

Maybe Brad hesitates a bit, or Tatianna has to convince him to use his phone.  Felt like he gave it up to easily.  Then again, someone comes up to you with a black eye and maybe you think they ned help so you let them use your phone.  Then again, she's causually buying a cup of joe, so how hard up can she be?  Then again, maybe I'm just a di*k.  

P. 6

"I just wanted to make sure you where there."

S/B were instead of where.

P.  6

Telephone convo.  I see you use (beat) where Tatianna is listening, which is fine, but then you go to (then) a couple of times.  I'm not sure if this is kosher or not, but I think I would just stick with the (beat).

P.  6

Haha, more Brad man!  Yeah I think that I would definetly use that space where she asks for the phone to incorporate a little more comedic relife with Brad.  He def doesn't strike me as someone who would give up his phone so easily.

P.  7

"An old man in his mid seventies sits at a work table and fixes a weird contraption that has a long sharp blade."

I think you should capitalize old man here, or alternatively just name him and describe him as an older fella.

P.  7

TATIANNA'S POV
An old, large wooden floor clock lays dismantled on a
corner of the shed.
BACK TO SCENE

See above re: POV and BACK TO SCENE.

P.  8

ASIAN WOMAN
Hi! Hau can I herpeeoo.

Had to read this a couple of times.  I believe you should just write this as , "How can I help you".  You can then put a wryly to the effect (heavy asian accent).

P.  10

"Brad is at the wheel, Tatianna is on the passenger seat."

I'm a little confused as to how Tat gets in touch with Brad here.  She used his phone in the coffee shop, but there didn't appear to be any indication that they knew eachother beyond that.  I may have missed something though.

So I feel as though this has potential, but as I said earlier, I think you need to provide some more closure for the audience as it is currently constructed.  That said, I think you've created an interesting character in Tatianna, and I'd be willing to read more.  Good luck.

Craig.

Had a hard time reading this one.  I got the idea that she was a kind of savior woman, but the back story would have really flesh out the plot.  Kept me curious and wanting more, but not really in a good way.

Thanks for commenting. I wrote this for a contest but never sent it in but yes it is kinda supposed to be part of like a series I dunno. Screenrider, the missing plot issues are on purpose because it is supposed to be part of something bigger, If it where to be a series or a movie this would probably be like the middle of the story.  Some of the formatting mistakes you mention are actually correct on the "Hollywood standard" book but you're still right about a lot of the stuff It's my first screenplay and this was just for fun and It only took me a few hours from idea to finished so it was bound to have mistakes. Anyway I appreciate the feedback.  Thanks again.

Hi Eric,

So this is a lot of action in this script, but the real question is: why did the action take place? I see a lot of fighting scenes but I didn't invest any feeling into them, this is because I have no idea what Tatianna is trying to do, and I didn't really care if she succeeds or not.

The opening scenes are interesting and pique my curiosity. But as I move on, what does the Mafia have to do with any of the events afterward?

The relationship between Brad and Tatianna need to be more clear. Do they know each other beforehand? At first it doesn't seem like it, but then how come Brad would lend Tatianna his cell phone without any hesitation? I also didn't get the purpose of having Brad being sick at work.

The rest of the story is okay, it just left me flat because I still didn't know what was going on. Why does Tatianna save the twin girls? How are they related? And then the last scene with Brad left me confused than ever.

I suggest you to really flesh out the purpose of each character. Do a short biography of them, find out how they are related. Find out what the backstory is.

You also need to clear up your writing. Write snappier and short descriptions. Need to capitalize the character the first time they appear. Cut out some of the mini-slug, there are too many of them here. Also are too many wrylies.


Herman

Quoted Text Two well dressed Mafia men exit the car and walk inside the warehouse.

How do we know they’re Mafia men?  Show, don’t tell.

Quoted Text The woman, a tall slim brunette, dressed in tight worn out, low rise blue jeans ripped at the knees, a black tshirt and steel-toe boots, sits on a small wooden chair with each arm separately tied to the sides of the chair, and a piece of dirty cloth stuffed inside her mouth. Her legs untied. Messy hair, a few bruises on her arms and a swollen eye, TATIANNA stares at the man pointing the gun at her.

Keep your graphs down to four lines.  These huge blocks of type will keep readers away, especially on a lead page.

Quoted Text Suddenly a loud argument is heard from the next room.

Avoid using words like “suddenly” and "starts to" as you have here.  You could rephrase as “SHOUTING erupts from the next room.  Two men are arguing.”

Quoted Text MAFIA BOSS Quickly looks back at Tatianna TATIANNA

You keep treating characters as scene headings.  Don’t do this.

Quoted Text Runs at full speed; now with her hands tied in front of her

Her hands were tied individually to the chair, now tied to each other.  How did this happen?

Quoted Text Forcefully stomps on the Mafia Boss's face repeatedly against the floor, breaking his jaw,

How do we know the jaw is broken?  You should say his jawbone CRACKS, or something similar.  Show, don’t tell.

Quoted Text Their bodies jerk as they get shot and fall to the ground.

Leave out “as they get shot”.  If she is firing at them, and their bodies fall to the ground, we get it.

Quoted Text his name is BRAD.

Awkward.  Just start the graph with “BRAD, a handsome young man in his 20’s”

Quoted Text BACK TO SCENE Beat

Avoid using “beat’ in a spec script.  Tell us what she’s doing to create the beat – studying the menu, for example.

Quoted Text Brad reaches inside his pocket and hands her his cell phone.

He just hands it to her, no questions asked?  For someone that hates customers, he’s very trusting.

Quoted Text I just wanted to make sure you where there.

*were there

Quoted Text The customer a little surprised at his response hesitates.

This sentence needs commas.  In fact, many of your sentences do.  You need a refresher course and commas and also hyphenated modifiers.

Quoted Text INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - BACK SHED - AFTERNOON

The shed should be the scene heading, unless the shed is inside the house.

Quoted Text The contraption's mechanism is sketchy but small enough to be hidden under a long sleeve shirt. The blade the length of her forearm.

What does this mean?  How is something sketchy, and what blade are you talking about?

Quoted Text (beat; examines the contraption)

“beat” unnecessary

Quoted Text She looks out the windows as she drives around the asian part of town known as Sheenee Sheenee.

How do we know it’s the Asian part of town?

Quoted Text TATIANNA'S POV Hoi Wah pet shop

Bad formatting

Quoted Text As she starts to walk to leave into a back room, Tatianna reaches over the counter and sucker punches her knocking her out. Tatianna walks into the back room.

Rephrase – this sentence makes no sense.  

Quoted Text From within his stomach, Tatianna's blade exits making a ring of bold around its exit wound on the shirt.

So, the blade comes from within his stomach?  I find that hard to believe.

Quoted Text Throws herself under the table, stabs one of the Mobsters in the knee knocking him down then gets on her side and kicks the Mobster standing next to him in the knee breaking it.

Punctuation, please.

Quoted Text She thrusts her self up from the floor pushing the table against the third Mobster pushing him against the wall then lets the table drop and rapidly stabs the Mobster in the neck.

Another run-on sentence.

TA

Quoted Text TIANNA'S POV Two teenage asian twin girls hug each other with fear inside a closet.

The closet should be its own scene heading.


Overall, there are multiple issues.  Your formatting is really bad.  I suggest get Trottier's "The Screenwriting Bible".  It's a must-have, IMHO.

I am not trying to be rude, but is English your second language?  There are many grammatical and composition errors that made me want to give up reading.

Also, the ending made no sense whatsoever.  Why would Brad do this?  How did she get his number?  This story is just a series of action shots, and not much more.  I have no reason to care for her and the situation she is in.