Alien Attack! by Sebastian Badarau - Short, Sci Fi - A tax attorney decides to confront the demons from his past, but he is forced to rethink his priorities when aliens attack his city. 6 pages - pdf, format

I'm thinking you didn't get to the attack very soon for a short. If it was a longer story, then okay.

Too much in the description column. What with all the we this and angle up to that going on, the story gets cluttered.

Seems like you were describing two face (from the Dark Knight) here. Seems like they could have stitched his face up some. Especially being a lawyer and all.

With too much description you lose that pizzaz you need for the action that you present.

The aliens seemed a mix of video style, War of the Worlds, and that short shown on the internet recently. Didn't come across as unique.

All in all it wasn't that exciting. Interesting because you wove this guy's face in.

If you could correct the typos and expand the script more, especially with more dialogue, this might be a better script.

I'm a bit confused about the bullet going through Robert's jaw hole.  Wouldn't it leave an exit wound through the back of his head?

Hi all,

Sebastian, somehow I get the impression you will not reply but anyhow...

The formatting is an issue, I could explain but there's too much. Aside that I didn't like it.

The opening scene is unnecessary...I see what you tried to do though. In fact IMHO the short should have started from the train.

I also don't see why his face is the way it is, it serves no function to the story other than the fact that the Alien's bullet (Aliens using guns with bullets? That's original...For me anyway) passes through it and that just isn't a justifiable reason.

The Alien attack is out of the blue, no foreshadowing or anything, which makes it seem unnatural. I also didn't get the bit with the letter or why he went on the train in the first place.

So what I'm saying is I think you should improve the formatting, the Alien attack should be impending from the beginning, give Robert a more clearer goal and/or relate it to his face (e.g. His deformity somehow causes him to know of the attack before everyone else and motivates him to help his brother).

And also change the title. "Alien Attack" it's how should I say... "prosaic".

Hope this helps.