Off Leash by Tyler Jay - Short, Horror - Those perfect little housewives are off the leash. 5 pages - pdf, format

Well, this was unusual.  Sort of a dystopic feminist nightmare.  Kept me reading, though.  You paint a very vivid picture with the men walking the females on leashes.  Of course, the women are so well-behaved and well-spoken I'm not sure of the need for the choke chains.  But a memorable visual, I must say.  And keeping women in kennels?  I have to admit you got a laugh out of me on that one.  For a second there, I thought you were gonna have one of the wives cop a squat on someone's front lawn, but I'm glad that didn't happen.

I'm not sure of the significance of basing this in 1960.  My best guess is that this is some alternate reality earth?  Seems like you could have based it in present day, then.  I once read a book called "the Handmaid's Tale"  which had a somewhat similar theme, though that was set in the future.

I would have liked to have known more about how this society came to be, although I realize you wanted to keep this short.  A couple typos, but otherwise a pretty clean read.  Interesting glimpse of a strange world here.

Hi all,

TJ, I watched a short from Spain once, it was about Granddads and Grannies as dogs on leashes...So, I could see this one.

Speaking of seeing things, I could see every female reading this getting gradually wound up, so I knew in the end there was going to be payback one way or another...

and a quote from Ryan

Quoted from Ryan1   For a second there, I thought you were gonna have one of the wives cop a squat on someone's front lawn, but I'm glad that didn't happen.

I thought so too...Both relieved I guess...

Overall I didn't see the point of this short, are you suggesting men (some) treat women like domestic pets? Where did the desire to kill them come from? They seemed pretty calm to me up until that point. Something should have happened to trigger their revolt.

The last line is redundant IMO.

Hope this helps.

Hey TJ,

Well, I guess that obedience school didn't work after all!

Like the others, I thought this was an interesting idea.  I think the opening scene with John holding the leash and then Betsy showing up would play nicely on screen.

I was a little confused about the way that the scene at the park was formatted.  You had John, Bob, Betsy, and Joanna all talking as if they were right next to eachother, and yet I thought the two pairs were seperated.  Not sure if this was formatted properly.  Not a big deal as I got the point.  Just mentioning it.

I'd agree with Ryan's sentiments above.  I'd love to know more about this "world" and what the hell is really going on here.  

Anyway, not sure if you had some big motive here or were trying to make some kind of point, but I def thought it was interesting and worht a read.  Good luck.

Craig

Hi Tyler, I have read this before and as I remembered, you didn't change anything from your last draft. Why would you post the same thing again and again, and with a new thread? You could have just let Don know and replace your last draft within the same thread.

Anyway, I  reviewed it already last time, and nothing has improved. The biggest problem is the conversation in the park. Readers would think it was a four-way conversation but it was actually two separate conversations happening at the same time. You need some mini-slugs to indicate that.

I think the story is haunting, kinda like the Stepford Wives gone bad. The change of Betsy came a bit too abruptly. I understand she was threatened by the other wives, but the next instant she was actually killing her husband. You need to show us step by step how she hated her husband.


Herman