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A-hoo! by Mike Shelton - Short, Comedy - A little old lady got mutilated late last night, and a werewolf with perfect hair is suspect #1. 5 pages. A WOL script - pdf, format
This was a good read, very tight and straight to the silly point. I can't say if you managed to squeeze in all the lines of the song, but you seemed to have most of the,
Wow, this is really different from mine. Did I get the challenge wrong? I thought we were supposed to use the words of the song to show the story? Mine is a 4 pager that follows the lyrics. I just sent it in to Don.
This was a good read though. Nice, fun, and tight like Phil said.
I can't wait to read the others.
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
If this was the first thing you've written in a year and a half, then undoubtedly you've still got it. Hilarious visual. You should send it off to Truce Films.
As far as fitting the song lyrics into a short, this works about as good as can be accomplished. It comes off like a comedy skit, which I think is about as good as someone’s going to do with this challenge and still have fun with it.
Mike, I thought this was a decent attempt at the challenge. I don’t want to be the only one sweeping up the confetti but there were some things wrong with it. First off the writing was OK
There were a few infilmables in the very beginning of the script in the action slugs, such as cheap bright lights. How do you show a CHEAP light verses an expensive one?
An even cheaper set of tables and chairs? Based on what?
A two way mirror is on the wall. Sounds odd. How about a two way mirror separates the rooms?
The third, Lawrence, is not so normal. Again- awkward!
Lawrence doesn’t answer, just stares. Really? I am not sure what that is, but why are you using the word Really?
Lawrence doesn’t understand- Unfilmable.
Jim is disappointed. – unfilmable
The officer’s voice comes through the speaker. – WHAT OFFICER? Where was he introduced?
Sorry man, way too many mistakes for a veteran on a 4 page script.
I can’t speak for Mike, but I don’t think all that stuff is unfilmable. I think the “Lawrence doesn’t understand” line is unnecessary but I don’t think it’s unfilmable.
The “Really?” line is Lawrence’s reaction. You can show that with body language. It’s kind of like saying “Duh” with body language. He’s hairy all over because he’s a werewolf. The detective asking him his hair color was therefore ridiculous. So Lawrence responded, “Duh,” with body language.
Honestly, I think some people around here get way too carried away with that "unfilmable" stuff.
Oh, and to Mike: nice one with the name Lawrence Talbot.
Nor should you speak for Mike. A typical rule of thumb (and I am sure you know this) is show it don’t explain it.
“Lawrence doesn’t understand” is as filmable as “Lawrence has a headache”. It is not filmable IMO.
I honestly would love for you to write an action line describing the word “Really” as a filmable. And when you do, recommend it to Mike.
Again, I feel these are things that a veteran should avoid. You explaining them as though writing unfilmable material should be encouraged and IMO goes against giving proper advice to writers who are looking for key essential rules by which to gain good writing habits. For the newbie’s, writing unfilmables in an action block is NOT a good practice.
But that’s just my two cents.
But don’t fret. My submission is coming and there will be plenty to tear apart. There always is.
Thanks all for reading. I was glancing at the board via my phone and keeping up on the feedback, but just now have a chance to respond from my actual comp. My main response I guess will be to Shawn, since he's offered up most of the critique on the writing.
From my standpoint, and maybe it's because I have a tad bit of acting experience, is that lines like "Really?", "Lawrence doesn't understand", and "Jim is disappointed" can absolutely be conveyed on screen. They're pretty basic when it comes to showing emotion. Breanne pretty much hit it on the head with her earlier description, so I won't go on there.
Cheap lights, table and chairs can be bought, and the difference between something cheap and expensive is fairly obvious with such things.
Being described as a veteran is fairly odd, but I do know what I can get away with, especially when it comes to a 4 page short that will garner interest from a student filmmaker at best.
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A-hoo! - Babz WOL script - Produced!
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Nice, fun, and tight like Phil said.
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