Perpetual Motion Machine by Christopher Bohlsen (kurisuborosen) - Short, Satire - A group of young men think they have found the answer to the global energy crisis: a perpetual motion machine. 5 pages - pdf, format

Christopher,

I just didn't get this one.  Interesting idea, the perpetual motion machine, but your execution of the story had me confused.  I guess the genre would be satirical documentary?  In the opening you tell us we're looking at the perpetual motion machine, but you give absolutely no description.  So, it's hard to tell whether this thing works or is just a complete hoax.  Also, I don't think the whole Greenpeace spokesman scandal quite fit with the tone of the rest of the piece.  It felt like it was building to a punch line that never arrived.  I missed the point, I suppose.

I'm not the biggest stickler around here for format, but you had some distracting things going on here.  Putting each slug line in bold just isn't easy on the eyes.  Also, I don't think INT. TALKING HEADS - DAY, is correctly formatted.  You need to tell us where the scene is taking place, and "TALKING HEADS" doesn't tell us that.  At the top of page 2, there's a typo in the dialogue:

REPORTER
Yes, I know what it is but... Don’t
they say that’d impossible?

Might want to have a chat with your editor Callum about that one.  Also, with a couple snips, you could have easily fit this onto four pages.  Page 5 is nothing but "The End."

So, interesting concept with the machine, but I don't think the satire worked here.

Ryan

Not entirely sure what you were trying to do here, but it doesn't really succeed IMO. The script is just all over the place and you don't really do a great job of setting up your story or giving depth to your characters.

You start off by telling us we see the perpetual motion machine, but what does it actually look like? You then have a scene outside a power station with a reporter speaking via voice over but there is nothing written in your script to indicate we are seeing this on TV, which I am guessing is the case. The talking heads slug doesn't seem right to me, either.

The whole scene with Bob and the scandal really didn't fit with the tone of the script, I would just lose it altogether. I got to the end and just thought, that's it? Didn't really have an ending here or any story that I could see. Satire normally has a point to it, some form of social commentary, but I couldn't figure out what you were trying to say with this script. Good luck with it though.

Cheers,
Tim.

Yeah -- I was put off by that first sentence, too -- just tossing the machine out there without the least explanation of what it should look like.

I decided to double-check the author before going much further to compose a few comments -- and found I had read him before.

This is his fifth posted short without so much as a thanks to his readers -- despite quite a few comments on his past work.

Quoted from bert ... This is his fifth posted short without so much as a thanks to his readers -- despite quite a few comments on his past work.

I read this this morning and decided to reserve my (not so positive) review as I wasn't sure if the reader was around.

He has a username and thought he was new.

Glad I didn't post it.

Quoted from jayrex I read this this morning and decided to reserve my (not so positive) review as I wasn't sure if the reader was around. He has a username and thought he was new. Glad I didn't post it.

Ditto.

Cmon' man, a simply thank you isn't that hard.  Pssss.

                                       REPORTER (O.S.)
                            Could I speak to a scientist?
                                      
                                       TUCKER
                            A what?

                                      REPORTER (O.S.)
                           A scientist. Someone who can
                           explain the technicalities of your
                           product more simply.

I'll say I don't know what you're getting at, either. Some good elemental satire, but it's non-sensical. Maybe John Galt should show up.

Quoted from bert Yeah -- I was put off by that first sentence, too -- just tossing the machine out there without the least explanation of what it should look like. I decided to double-check the author before going much further to compose a few comments -- and found I had read him before. This is his fifth posted short without so much as a thanks to his readers -- despite quite a few comments on his past work.

This is my thanking all my readers. Thank you all so much for all your help in my "evolution" as a writer. I appreciate all your comments on the script, they are much more frank that those of my friends. I probably should have indicated that the intended style of this script was a "mockumentary". And in response to that Youtube video, I hadn't seen it before but now the joke seems quite similar. I'm gonna have to do a lot of editing.

Thank you again.

As someone who came up with a perpetual-motion machine in my stories, I really wanted to see what this script had to offer.  I was very disappointed.  I really do not understand what any of it is all about.

My perpetual motion machine could work in theory, according to my father's engineer friend.  A machine could be powered by its own solar cells as long as the lights connected to the machine shine on them.  An outside light source such as a spotlight could start up the machine, and then it could provide its own energy when its own lights shined on the solar panels.  The only problem was providing enough light to charge the solar panels and that they would stop working in a short amount of time.

Simple, eh?  I also discovered that creating a universal solvent may be easier than containing it.  After all, the solvent would dissolve anything it touches.  But if you kept half the ingredients in a spray can and the other half in another spray can, then you can contain the solvent that way.  Just spray the two liquids in one spot, and the universal solvent is created.

You can tell that I'm very interested in alchemy.

The script was intended more as a social commentary on environmentalism. The machine itself is merely a plot device that also works as a cool title.

The script was about the way in which environmentalism seems to have evolved into a global industry, with environmental ways coming up with new and more expensive ways to "save the environment". As you can probably tell, I disapprove of this.

I think I'd better take a bit longer working on the script next time. Interestingly, this is the first of my script I have posted here that I have had people I know look over and make comment on. Asking my friends for help incites a negative response? Interesting.