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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Running From A Dream Moderators: bert
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  Author    Running From A Dream  (currently 2492 views)
Don
Posted: August 26th, 2010, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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Running From A Dream by Marvin K. Perkins - Horror - After the disappearance of several young girls, it is feared they have been kidnapped by a fiendish  murderer called the DARK ONE,known for killing young ladies with medieval devices. After body parts and   notes containing clues are sent to the police, detectives John Carson and Chuck Brown follow the trail that leads them to a bizarre scene of death and torture.  78 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  August 26th, 2011, 7:02pm
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REVIEW OF “RUNNING FROM A SHADOW”

1. CONCEPT

If this were to be made, it would more than likely be a released on DVD kind of movie. And there’s nothing wrong with that. The concept itself is stand out in it’s own way, however, there is much work to be done as far as story execution goes.

2. PLOT / STRUCTURE

The opening scene is real nice. It’s quick and interesting, and makes me want to keep reading…

I’m 10 pages in and I was hoping for a better turning point. Try to use page 10 as kind of a mini plot-point. Yeah, you sort of have one, but I think you have the skill to create a more dramatic one. One that would guarantee a reader would keep turning the pages. Thus far, the story is all right…

I’m now at plot-point 1. Very good job, and that’s what I’m talking about!

At the mid-point, the story “audience sees” turns towards the doctor and his wife as the killers. Not the most griping MP and I think that kind of relevance should come later, rather than sooner, but it works…

And plot-point 2 is the “detectives” learning that the doctor is in fact the killer. Your plot-points are here, but I have to admit that I feel as if they don’t turn enough, they just curve a little…

So now you have a mid-point where the “audience” finds out who the killers are, and a plot-point 2 where the ‘detectives” find out who the killers are. That seems pretty repetitive, especially for major turning points.  With that said; You should look into having the “audience” follow the detectives as they search for the killer, not letting the audience know just the same as the detectives. Try to build up more mystery and throw in a few more suspects. You can do it. I know you can.

I was expecting a big twist at the end, and I really didn’t get one. I believe that this kind of movie should have that final hook. So give that some thought…  

I don’t think a tumor in someone’s arm is a death sentence.  You play the scenario out as if it’s worst case, and it’s really not. After all, if it came down to it, they could just chop his arm off and pump him full of chemo. Make him have lung cancer, or something close.

Why would Allan be at his doctor’s office if his daughter is missing? As a father myself, I wouldn’t be worried about my treatment, I’d be worried about my little girl.

You should consider coming up with a new title. “Running From A Shadow” just comes off as too plain to me. Also, think about adding another 5 to 10 pages to the script. It feels too short.      

3. CHARACTER

I’m not sure if your detective discussion scene that starts on page 24 is realistic enough. I’m mostly talking about how they had Randall Johnson’s information from the fingerprints, and they wait to go get him, after talking and digging around for the info. In reality, once they got that information, they would act on it, and not put it in a stack of files to look for later.

On page 31 the detectives say that Randall Johnson doesn’t know that they are looking for him. Although, they should know, that Randall knows, because his place was noticeably ajar from leaving in a hurry, and I felt like the detectives got that impression as well.

And on that note; most of their detective work, as exampled above, doesn’t seemed well designed. I would recommend looking at those elements closer and have it make more sense. And try to add some personal detail (though speech) about the detectives as people, this way the audience will feel like they know them better.

At first, I thought Allan was the main character, until you killed him, so then it became obvious that the detectives were the main characters. I think we spend too much time with Allan in the first act, and not enough time with our main character detectives.

4. DIALOGUE

This is really on the nose; “Oh my God. He’s found me. If he
catches me I’m dead for sure”. The funny thing is, on the nose speech is one of my handicaps that I’m working on as well. I’m hoping that by pointing this out, that you might learn about it faster than I did, and save yourself a headache. I would suggest taking that out and replacing it with a “feeling” that an actor can play off of. Keep an eye out for instances where you can implement this. It’ll read a lot cleaner and look more professional.

This seems like a lot of money for an SSI check, unless you’re using Canadian money; “The disability check is only fourteen hundred dollars a month”. Just pointing that out…

When referring to someone you should put a (,) before their name, and I’ll explain why; It’s the difference between; “Where’s my wife Fred?” (Indicating that he’s asking for his wife named Fred), or; “Where’s my wife, Fred?” (Meaning that he’s asking Fred himself). Some say it doesn’t matter, but I beg to differ due to clarity.

Overall, the speech was good.      

5. WRITING

Anything the audience reads on screen should be in quotations. Like this; the headline reads: “DARK ONE STRIKES AGAIN”. The same thing could go for the clock, seeing as how we are reading it.

I know this seems like small stuff, but this line; “I...I don’t know what you’re talking about”; It should read like this; “I... I don’t know what you’re talking about”. Note the “…” has a space after it. The same thing goes for ”—-“ in dialogue. I have studied up on this, and it is the correct way to do it in a spec-script.

I wouldn’t specify too much on descriptions. Like; “pulls out a .38”. The reason for this is the props person now has to look for a .38. I would suggest just saying gun, hand cannon, or handgun. Just to make it easier for the person doing that job.

This does not translate to the screen very well; “away at college is on the line”. Not to mention, we gather that through the following conversation anyway. Try to avoid using those unfilmables at all costs.

People talking over the phone should have a (V.O) and not an (O.S), because the “voice” is coming from “over” the phone, and not “off” the “set”.

You describe ever single location, inside and out. I would suggest that you only describe a location if there is something special, or different about it. Other than that, don’t describe, and I’ll explain why; if you describe a location being a certain way, than a location manager has to find a location that looks just like that. However, if you were not to describe, the location manager now has more room to find a relevant location with less of a headache.

I would recommend separating the speech and the reading of notes, just for clarification. Example; “Okay here goes. It says: (reading) In case you weren’t listening let me make it perfectly clear. This is one of the young lovely’s beautiful ear. You will find the rest of her and one more, if you come to the corner of Front and 2nd and walk through the door. The Dark One. P.S. Do your self a favor, don’t eat before you come. (to Chuck) Holy...Shit; Just for clarity…      

Nice transition, without it actually being one; “A bright light flashes, followed by complete darkness”. That’s being very cinematic and simple at the same time. Good job!  

6. OVERALL

This is not bad, but still needs some work. I can’t wait to read future drafts.  

7. SOME HELP. Here are a couple of things that I caught—

This sentence on page 42 is spaced to the right one space too much. “Hell, give it here...I’ll open it”. That’s the only error I found.

8. MY THOUGHTS

On page 9. You have Allan seeing the shadow during the daytime. I would recommend moving that scene to night time, just for effect.

I can see the potential in this script, and I think with a rewrite or two, you could turn this thing into one hell of a screenplay. But there is work to be done here. Well, thanks for the read, and I hope this helps you somehow.

Rocco.


Only noob reviewers concentrate on formatting. It’s all about story!
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: September 25th, 2010, 2:38am Report to Moderator
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Marvink...

I had this review up in my cue for a while, been busy lately.  This is only a rough draft, so I'll just get to my notes.  It's late here, so forgive my errors.  All I'll say about the logline is if you plan on doing something with this... make it better.  

Having said that...

It is misleading.  Were lead to believe that Allan LeBlanc is the main character but the more I read on, clearly it seemed the story was driving him and not the other way around.  Eventually, we come to find out, it's the two detectives.  So I'd probably center the story more so around them and a lot less on Allan.  Matter of fact, I'd probably would have punched his ticket before page 45.

It's clear in your opening sequence, the things that are going on is a nightmare, fair enough.   When Allan wakes up in the kitchen with the knife in his hands, then we cut too a week earlier.   I don't like to assume anything, maybe I missed this but I take it, once he leaves the doctors office, were back to the present?  Things might feel a little out of wack to other readers.

The three thugs, do you really need them?  I might cancel them out and just have it be Allan and the dark one.  But either or make sure your audience understands what's going on in the beginning.

Brian Kirkpatrick, come later to find out he's actually A.K.A. Randall Johnson.  No need to try and trick the reader.  The effect you're going for would come off as a surprise to the audience the way you have it written.  I probably would have just mentioned this in the initial description.  But regardless, the character cue for a character should be the same throughout the script.  

After the kidnapping of their daughter, based on the graphic crime scene, I find it hard to believe that Allan and Ellen, let alone most parents would chalk this up to being...

I direct you to page#45.
                                      ELLEN
                             Susan is alright.  She probably just ran off with her            
                             boyfriend.

"No pun intended," to coin an old phrase... but I wouldn't buy that at the dollar store.  You'd figure there would be more emotion pouring out of them, but I didn't see it, and there should be.   Well, Allan did.  So Allan wakes up to find his wife dead, him holding the knife, which was left by the killer.  One minute he's talking about taking her to see Dr. Norman then seconds later, he blows his brains out.  I thought this was pretty extreme.  So abrupt and out of the blue. I know he has problems but...

The biggest problem I see with the script is Chuck and Carson.

Page#24,  most homicide detectives are somewhat intelligent but Carson and Chuck here... the way you have them written... "no pun intended," to coin an old phrase again, but these guys can't solve a crossword puzzle.  

So they're at the office and the dialogue starts off as if they have no clue as to wants going on, yet they have some key information collected from the scene right before their eyes.  

Take this line on page#24
                                          CARSON
                           Yeah, and according to the uniforms
                           that were first on scene, there was blood on
                           the floor and the tube and the curtains was
                           ripped down.  The window was broken out...
                           but here's the weird part.  The window was broken
                           from the inside.

When most detectives arrive at the crime scene, they see the evidence first hand.   Second hand information here, when clearly it shouldn't be.  Yes, Carson and Chuck was at the LeBlanc's house but you had them interview Allan and Ellen and then they left.   You're at 81 pages.  What I would do is probably go back and add a scene of them actually in the bathroom, checking out things for themselves.    Maybe have part of that conversation in there.                                  

Another...

Page#67, they flip back through the old newspapers cliping from the fifties, and discovers the key to the killer's identity.   These appear to be the same newspaper clippings our detectives looked at on page#43 and yet they missed this connection.

But even if you didn't do that, I'd re-work the majority of their conversation throughout the script.  A lot of it is unrealistic and makes them both seem unintelligent.  I will say, Chuck and Carson interview with Mrs. pickens was a lot better.  

The ending... I didn't care for it.  This is the last thing people remember when they leave a theater, you want a lasting impression.  I'm not saying it has to be a happy ending, but the one you got... I don't know.

Side notes;
                                    
This seems more like a horror, then a thriller.  You have a lot of resemblance to the "SAW," movies here.  Particularly the scenes on page#37 and 49.  You know locked in a room and being tortured by a sadistic killer.  I'm not saying anything is wrong, but it is cliche... maybe in the future try to come up with a new  cliches.

I agree in the sense, his nightmares/visions would have more effect if they took place at night.  

No I'm not a medical doctor but if someone has a tumor the size of a tennis ball in his bone, (Allan LeBlanc), I figure the bone would fracture.  If I'm wrong in my assessment, please someone correct me.

You're missing a slug or two that should be here.  Page#19, when Ellen hears a noise from downstairs and she tells him to go look.  When he goes downstairs, I'd would probably throw in a mini slug, "LIVING ROOM," at least.  

The third part, some of your sluglines, "AT THE SAME TIME," 'THAT SAME NIGHT."  Personally, I wouldn't do it.  I've seen it in other scripts but maybe a better option would be, "SAME," and  "LATER."  

I'm not saying characters with similar names will confuse people... Ellen, Elaine, Chuck, Carson but... unless you have a real reason... I'd consider a name change for one or two.

With rough drafts, they all have flaws, and "Running From A Dream,"  is no different, but that's expect.   Overall, I thought this was a solid effort.  

JMO for what it's worth, let me make that clear, but nevertheless, I'm done here.

Good Luck, my friend

Ghostwriter



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ghost and_ghostie gal  -  September 25th, 2010, 2:57am
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