Draw Blood by John Carlon (JCShadow) - Short, Horror - {no logline}  5 pages - A WOL script - pdf, format

JC,

Your writing was visual for me. The use of VO was okay. I thought the WOL jig was a bit too long and you definitely get my nod for most unusual use of the line "Draw blood!" Vampires? Shoulda been aliens! Like in Alien Dissection. Or not.

I liked how you worked Zevon's name into this but can't figure out why James Taylor is mentioned. Oh, I get it, now. It's his tailor. I need my caffiene.

Thanks for posting.

Gary

Hey John, about time we get to read this.  Congrats on the runner up nod!  Nicely done.

I can't really tell you I like this, though.  I don't hate it, but it's far from my favorite.

There is an odd visual quality to this for sure, and I commend you for that.  Story-wise, I'm pretty clueless though, and I feel you literally recited the lyrics, verbatim, for no apparent reason.

The end is what I really don't get.  A werewolf and a vampire being combined together or something. Huh?  What does that have to do with anything?

Pretty well written. I noticed several little mistakes here and there, typos, awkward lines, etc, but pretty clean.  I'm also wondering about all the scenes taking place in London...are they supposed to be happening in real time, or are they Flashbacks?  My point is that I have a feeling they're not properly formatted.

Good job, though, bud!  Good to see you writing, and I'm looking forward to the new Door!

John,

I like a script that paints a picture with a minimum of words, and this script accomplished that, IMO.  As others have said, it seemed at times that with the constant voice over, you were simply looking for a way to get all those lyrics in there.  At times, I was a little confused over what was going on.  But, very interesting concept for the challenge.

Ryan

First of all, thanks for the reads...

I am actually a little surprised there appears to be confusion with the read. Everyone that I did reads with caught right on to it.

grademan
While doing research on the song, I found that Warren liked to poke fun at his friends. He intentionally wrote that line, poking fun at his friend James Taylor. During live performances he did the same with other friends names as well.

Also William is his middle name, hence St. Williams Hospital.

Dreamscale
There was purposeful intent in making the reader think or feel that everything in London was a flashback. The patient is meant to appear as though he is the Gentleman and that he is simply recapping the events that landed him in a padded room, laced up in a straight jacket.

Why did I quote the song verbatim? Because there was a story in it, I saw it immediately and wrote this challenge in about 6 hours. The first couple of hours was spent in research of all the locations, which just so happen to be all very close together. Almost literally within walking distance.

As far back as films go, vampires and werewolves have been bitter enemies. The patient, in the telling of his tale, follows his enemy as he approaches. He even breaks his bonds and waits at the window, hoping to catch a peek of the attack to come. And when it did, it came in the form of the 3 large orderlies.

The Gentleman's jig as he went down Queen Street was pretty much a taunt, knowing that the patient was watching and waiting.

And as far as the end goes? Why do humans experiment on the human body? And it has always been my opinion that werewolves are much more susceptible to harm and of course aren't immortal. If you are already a werewolf, why WOULDN'T you try and put yourself on equal footing with your enemy?

Gosh darnit... Please point out the awkward phrasing, typos, etc. I swear I re-read it 50 times and never caught them. I guess in the future I must hire a proofreader.  

Ryan1
Thanks... I still can't help chuckling to myself when I think of your script. I can so see this getting filmed. I hope it does. It would be hysterical. Those crazy Americans.


John

Hey John, I reread this and jotted down some notes.  As picky as I am by nature, I wouldn't normally bring all this up, but since you asked...

And, I'll say this, if someone brought up all this little crap in one of my scripts, I'd probably do 1 of 3 things...call him a dick, thank him and make the changes I agreed with, or both  

I still am very confused with what is exactly going on, but maybe that was your intent.  I'm confused with the hairy handed Gentleman. I'm confused with the patient and what the deal is with his Vampire teeth.  Your lack of clarity with your SLUGS also made things very difficult for me to visualize basically anything.  But maybe its just me being dense.

Here ya go...most complaints have to do with using 'and" inappropriately, which many will argue to their death about, so no biggie, obviously.

It's an adventurous script and concept for sure, so congrats!

page by page notes

Page 1 – “He is strapped into a straight jacket.” – Would read better if it was combined with the sentence in front of it, and would do away with weak “is” verb.

“EXT. LONDON – NIGHT” – I think you should have broken this down better…London is pretty generic…where in London are we?  You know?

“He stops before a large window and looks inside.” – get rid of “and” with a comma.

Page 2 – We’re in an EXT scene, but at the top of the page, he walks inside and sits down with the old woman.  Maybe your intent was to have this filmed from outside, but in reality, once he goes inside, it’s no longer an EXT scene.

Comma between “off” and “a”

“…window and washes…” – “…window, washes…”

Page 3 – “The Patient arches his shoulders and strains against the straps that line the back of the straight jacket.” – Again, get rid of “and” with a comma.

“INT. APARTMENT- NIGHT” – Again, very vague…where in the apartment is he?  It seems like he leaves whatever room he’s in and goes into the bathroom, which would require a new SLUG, but maybe you’re just referencing sound effects of water being turned on.

“The Gentleman tosses his keys on a table, his hands are stained with blood.” – Should be 2 separate sentences here.

Your next SLUG is exactly the same, except you used “LATER” after “NIGHT”, which isn’t correct.  You could just use a mini SLUG of “LATER”.

“…on a shelf and pulls one out.” – same deal, lose the “and with a comma.  It will read better, and make sense grammatically as well.  

“…a James Taylor record can clearly be seen.” – Awkwardly phrased.

“He plays the record and dances a jig into the other room.” – Get rid of “and” with a comma, as in reality the sentence doesn’t make sense with “and” (but that’s getting into a topic that has been discussed before in here and has drawn much opinion on both sides).

When he reappears with the suit on, obviously time has elapsed.  And, without knowing anything about this apartment, it’s tough to visualize “the other room”, or any “other rooms”.

Page 4 – “Far off a wolf howls and the Gentleman smiles to himself.” – comma after “off”.  Replace “and” with a comma – same deal as above, as your saying that the Gentleman is smiling, based on the wolf’s howl, not in addition to it.

Now your SLUG has changed, in that you’re referencing that its in Mayfair London, but I think it’s the same place as before, in which you just used “APARTMENT”.

“…and into the street.” – Lose “and”.  I think “into” should be “onto” actually.

“small window” – I was confused by this and thought we were somewhere else, because earlier it was a long, narrow window, and that doesn’t equate to small to me.

“A wolf howls.” – Since it’s not happening onscreen, or even in the scene, I’d say you need to mention that, otherwise, it gets confusing (to me).

“…steps forward and looks in.” – Lose “and” with a comma.

Page 5 – This is the first time you’ve described this room as being dark, so I was confused again when you said “…they rush into the darkness.”

“A dark operating room is seen through a glass wall.” – Awkwardly phrased, IMO.

“Vampire teeth are bared as he snarls at his captors.” – Awkwardly phrased.

“Next to him is a covered body, only its hairy and taloned arm is exposed.” – Awkwardly phrased and the word “taloned” is confusing (and really isn’t a word, as far as I know.

“The two are connected by a series of tubes and machines.” – Awkwardly phrased and confusing (to me).  I really can’t picture this and was one of the problems I had figuring out exactly what was going on here.

“doctor” – “doctors”

Lose ‘and” with a comma again.

Hi John. Congrats on winning the challenge!

I read all the above comments first, so thought I'd check it out.

I didn't have a prob with what you were aiming at here. But I reckon you do maybe need to have FLASHBACK as a slug, when it shows what the patient is singing about. That would alleviate any confusion.

I thought it came out pretty well in the end. Jeff has covered all the grammar errors except for strait jacket being spelt like I just wrote.

Cheers stevie

Hmmm...just re-read your comments John. maybe I did miscontrue what you were on about re the flashbacks!!

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Couldn't resist. Thanks... critique's are why we are all here, or should be, and as long as I have something to learn I will always take it constructively.

All good points indeed and I will remember those for future scripts.

I guess I can't really un-confuse you, but the patient is a vampire whining about the Werewolves of London as he watches(with his supernatural powers) his enemy drawing closer. The hairy handed gent is the man in the restaurant who stalks the old woman to her house and kills her in his werewolf form. He arrives at his apartment, fresh from the kill. Takes a shower and heads off for a meal before going to work.

When I use a heading, that is where we are. If I reference something in another room, we stay where we are and can only hear what is happening. So when he walks into the restaurant, we don't follow him. We are left outside, still looking in through the big picture window that he was. Same with the apartment, although I should have been more specific of where we landed in the apartment.

Hope this helps,
John

HaHa!  Funny.  I was waiting for that.

I hear ya on the INT/EXT thing, and it's a topic that has been discussed before...over and over.

Here's my take on it (and I'm not disagreeing with you or saying what you did was wrong).

To me, when you use an EXT SLUG for an INT scene, or vice verse, you're basically playing director, and deciding what "shot" works best in a particular situation, much like using certain camera angles that have nothing to do with the actual story or plot.  Therefore, I try not to do it.

When I have action taking place in an INT scene, I leave it as an INT scene.

I think it makes for a much easier and less confusing read.  With visuals, things are much easier to follow, and by doing stuff like this, and directing where the camera is, it can make for confusion.  But then again, I am easily confused!  

Take care.

First read and first post here, heh.

I dig the cadence of your dialogue.
I had the song playing my head head during the read, it helped!

I feel the "payoff" of the not so flashbacks would be heightened with stronger transitions.
Allow me to clumsily illustrate...a thunderclap rumbles at the hospital and then we see a lighting strike outside the werewolf chap's apartment window, etc.

Me personally, I feel more genuinely tricked when I had the chance to puzzle it but failed.
My poorly described sample suggests that the storm is "transporting" the reader back in time. In actuality, its merely moving up across town, heh.

Twas a fluid and pleasant read overall, good stuff!