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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Angel Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: September 13th, 2010, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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Angel by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Short, Drama - Can Phil really save Michael from a life of drugs and turn his life around? - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.



No matter where you go, there you are.
--Buckaroo Bonzai
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jwent6688
Posted: September 13th, 2010, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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DOUBLE SPACE YOUR FRIGGIN' SLUGS!!!

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Javier,

Good show. Ha ha. Took this very seriously at first, then the comedy protruded, then the joke was on us. nice delivery. Enojoyed it thoroughly.

Proper timing I might add.


SPOILERS!!!!!!

Never thought of Phil as an Angel. Maybe Angel of Death. Definitely worth A read here for veteran S.S. folk.

Although, I do believe it wasn't Jeff's handy work they chased this lad off IMO. Rather his own overstepping of certain boundaries.

Psst, pretty sure he still lurks these boards. Good to see a poke at him for a change.


James


P.S. Hope he has the same sense of humor he thought everyone else should have while doing his own parodies.


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jayrex
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 4:56am Report to Moderator
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Cheers for the upload Don.

Thanks for the read James, much appreciated.

I was inspired from a moment back in June/July, (can't remember & can't check using this mobile), between Phil & Michael.  And remembering what Michael did when he first started here I thought it would be humorous. Couldn't find any of his scripts so couldn't use any past material.

The ending I'm not sure about as I've changed that about a few times.

I wanted to throw in a few more cameos but felt it worked as it is.

Happy you enjoyed it.


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Dreamscale
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier, not sure how or why I found this, but I did...all on my own, even!

Here's what I think - "Itís littered with like a thousand mistakes, bad grammar, poor
sentence structure, a non-existent story. Just a complete waste of my time."

HaHa!  How's that?

Funny stuff here.  I got a few laughs.  Well done.  Now, I have to get back to being a prick.

Later.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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jayrex
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff,

Cheers for the read, much appreciated.

Happy you got a few laughs and took this in good spirits.

Now, I wonder how Michael will take this?

All the best,

Javier


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Thornton
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 5:15am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

I enjoyed this, but I think I may still be a bit of a newbie to the boards to fully appreciate the humour/background.

It's nicely written. I thought the start was particularly good: extremely visual and a little different (which is always a bonus).

Regards,
Thornton
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jayrex
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Thornton,

Cheers for the read, pleased you enjoyed this short despite not knowing the background to this.

Reread this again and found a few more mistakes.  Darn, fixed them now.

All the best,


Javier


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 16th, 2010, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the upload, its a pretty fluid read.
I'm new here, so I don't get all the in-jokes.
That being said, I still chuckled here and there.
Your action description is a little chunky at time, "lightning filling the room."
I was like, "Whoa, really?" Then I figured you meant it was the light from the bolts.
The dialogue feels natural and I was never bored, good work!


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dogglebe
Posted: September 16th, 2010, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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I generally don't read Simply Scripts as I was never happy with how the people/characters are portrayed.  I don't think the writer knows the others enough to capture them on paper.  With the Summer 2010 Clusterfuck, I think there was enough fodder.

I was cute, and I chuckled more than once or twice.


Quoted Text
        MICHAEL
Yeah, like I'll ever write a bestseller.

        PHIL
You sure won't.


Funny.  And eerily prophetic.

About the only thing missing was the mention of talking head machinimas.


Phil (no angel)


The Devil's Jokebook††
An ancient relic disappears.††And Heaven and Hell will fight to get it back.


Finalist, Shriekfest Horror Film Festival screenplay competition.

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dogglebe  -  September 20th, 2010, 11:02pm
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jayrex
Posted: September 19th, 2010, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Electric Dreamer, happy that you weren't bored and thought it was a good read.  I didn't really fill it with many in jokes, so hopefully the average Joe would like it too.

Cheers for the read Phil.

I was wondering how Michael and Jeff would take this more than yourself, as I intended to make you the good guy in this script.  Considering the argument that went on before.

Once the idea came to me, the rest pretty much wrote itself.  I was please with some of the lines I wrote, especially the ones you've highlighted.

Maybe Michael would be kind enough to make machinima out of this script?

Javier


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jayrex
Posted: September 24th, 2010, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, quite a few comments whilst I was out.

Cheers for the read Michael, and I'm happy that you'll get over it when I crossed the line.

I've written like four/five scripts on religious topics and they're not very positive.  So if you thought the comment of Jesus was bad, you should stay away from my scripts.  I've done far worse on Jesus in four scripts, and God like once, and other characters.

On a side note, if people are always finding God, how come he goes missing all the time?

Oh, and I'll change that can to a bottle if that's you're preferred drink Phil, or should I use a pint glass?


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mcornetto
Posted: September 24th, 2010, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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Javier,

Since we're here to discuss this script, I figured I'd give it a read.  Especially because it's about Michael - which could have been me - but wasn't - Whew!

The basic concept here is pretty well done.  I can relate with it.  Do you remember my Machinima from a while back about the same sort of thing?



Anyway, shameless plugs aside,  I thought you handled things well.  It wasn't so insulting that those involved would take exception, though I think Phil might not like being associated with angels.  Dunno.  

I got a laugh at the booger line though.  

Otherwise, you had lots of typos.  Definitely work on that.  I know it's hard to do but it's necessary in something this short.   And I wasn't sure I really understood the ending.  Was Phil working with Jeff to make people turn their back on screenwriting?  If so, HA!

Good work.
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jayrex
Posted: September 24th, 2010, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from screenrider
unlike Angel, Cornetto's Machinima was genuinely funny.    You should try following his lead.    



Each to their own.

Looked up these quotes, even though I wrote what I did in jest.  I suppose it's a good response.


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SimplyScripts
Posted: September 24th, 2010, 9:42pm Report to Moderator
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The thread has been cleaned out.  Limit your discussion to the script.  

Don



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.



No matter where you go, there you are.
--Buckaroo Bonzai

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SimplyScripts  -  September 24th, 2010, 10:08pm
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Coding Herman
Posted: October 9th, 2010, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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LOL, I did had quite a few laughs reading this. It was a zippy read, too.

Too bad I just checked this out later than everyone else. Wanna see how Phil, Jeff, and Michael respond to this.

Okay, not bad, could be better.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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