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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Savanna at the Beach Moderators: bert
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  Author    Savanna at the Beach  (currently 724 views)
Don
Posted: September 13th, 2010, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Savanna at the Beach by James Travers - Short - Savanna's misadventures at the beach. 13 pages - pdf, format


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Thornton
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hi James,

It's nicely written on the whole with tight(ish) description and likeable characters. Is it meant to be a short for children? If yes, I'm curious to know for what age-group. I ask because - in my humble opinion - it's pretty simplistic in its premise and moral; as an adult it doesn't do it for me I'm afraid. I have children and I think it might appeal to my youngest (she's 7) but I suspect it wouldn't appeal to my elder ones.

I may be missing the point completely at which point I apologise.

Interested to hear your view.

Thornton
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Yeaster
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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EXT. WINDY HILL - BEACH - SATURDAY AFTERNOON DAY
It's a gorgeous day at the beach Gorgeous weather. The beach bustles with activity.




"SAVANNA (9) builds a sand castle on the shore. She's a very
cute kid. She's skinny. She has long brown hair and brown
doe-like eyes. She wears a Circus Time brand sun visor on
her head."

Nice description, but kind of reads like a novel. A slight alternative could be....

"SAVANNA, 9, builds a sand castle on the shore. She's cute, skinny,
brown hair. She wears a Circus Time brand sun visor on her head.




"Savanna walks back to the shore. She looks for her sand
castle. The sand castle has been wiped out by a wave.
Savanna GROANS."

Alternative:

Savanna walks back to the shore. She looks for her sand
castle but it's gone. Wiped out by a wave. She GROANS.




"She plops down on the sand and watches the sail boats on the
horizon. She watches people swim. Someone catches her eye.
She spots her teacher, MR. PAMPA (50). Mr. Pampa is thin. He
has sharp features, a long chin and a permanent scowl on his
face."

Alternative:

She plops down on the sand and watches the sail boats on the
horizon. People swimming. Someone catches her eye, her
teacher, MR. PAMPA, 50, thin, sharp features, a long chin and
a permanent scowl on his face."




"Savanna walks along the beach. She hears someone call her
name. She turns around and sees her friend RIKU (9). Riku
waves to her. Riku is a cute kid. She has long, shiny black
hair and dark almond shaped eyes. She's taller than Savanna."

Alternative:

Savanna walks along the beach. She hears someone call her
name. She turns around and sees her friend RIKU, 9, a cute
kid with black hair and dark eyes. Taller than Savanna. She
waves at her.




"KUDER
Nope.

Kuder sets the fries down next to the hamburger. He looks
inside the box.

KUDER
Wow!"

I don't really think you need these lines.




p11

Savanna recapped the ENTIRE story to her teacher. All she had to say was: "I'm just here with my parents." =P




Technical stuff:

I think your action sentences could afford to be tighter. A lot of the time, you basically repeated the same words over and over (your paragraphs were basically like this: "This person did that. This person did this. This person did that again, etc."). I don't know if I'm making any sense, but screenplays don't have to use complete sentences all the time. Taking out the extra words will help your story flow better and read easier.

Heck, you could also play around with your sentences and give your action/descriptions a "voice," but that's another discussion...

Storyline:

The story was simple and "cute", if you will, but you lost me during the last two pages. I didn't know why Savanna and Riku decided to tell their teacher everything that happened to them as if he'd really care.  

I also thought the ending could've been better. Like, maybe the teacher has beautiful hair that looks real, and Savanna is shocked to find out that it's just a hairpiece, and when she gives it back to him, the hairpiece is a complete and utter mess and unwearable. He then gets really angry, embarrassed and goes completely ballistic. Towel over his head and everything.

Oooooor..... maybe the hairpiece didn't belong to the teacher after all. The girls go back to return his hair and he's completely confused. Doesn't know what they're talking about. Naturally, the girls think he's lying and so they try to pull his hair off...only to find out that it doesn't come off and that it IS real. So the whole time, they've had the wrong hairpiece and later finds out that it belongs to some fat greasy man who's like a pimp or something. I don't know. Anything to give the story a more satisfying ending and sense of closure, which it kind of lacks right now, in my humble opinion.

Savanna and Riku were likable and adorable enough. Some of the dialogue was a little cheesy though, so I'd work on trying to it make it sound more organic and natural.

And that's it, really. You have a ton of potential. Keep writing and practicing.  


---
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Jamie317
Posted: September 16th, 2010, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reviews and the advice/input. I'll use the suggestions to try and improve this short.

This is just one of about four shorts that I wrote based on my "Savanna" character. These are basically writing exercises so that I can get a feel for the character and scrape off some of my writing rust. I haven't written a script in about four years so it's been awhile.

I'm currently writing a feature length script based on this character (about 160 pages - very long) It's an adventure story - not a simple short. Maybe something like The Never Ending Story or The Golden Compass. It has a lot more to offer than these little shorts.
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Thornton
Posted: September 16th, 2010, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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Jamie,

I have a little experience of writing for children and I would humbly suggest you need to be very clear in your own mind who you are trying to target. In particular, what age group. Clearly, some movies have managed to cross the divide between age groups, but I would suggest that it is quite a challenge.

Good luck,
Thornton
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