The Lord Will Provide by Richard Hubley & Rick Hubley II - Short, Western - In this western, the preacher is also the sheriff, and an outlaw on the run takes up with the Lord, or draws down on his messenger.  11 pages - pdf, format

---

"Yes sir ladies and gentlemen this
here elixir cures whatever ails you.
Gotta itch, it calms its. Gotta
cough, it quiets it. It kills all
kinds of germs. Why I drink it every
day, whether I need to or not, and
look at me...a picture of health.
You can even use to get rid of those
tough stains on your clothes."

There are a few grammar errors/missing words that need to be fixed. Also, I would try shortening this up some. I definitely get what you're trying to do here -- with the guy selling something of a multi-purpose elixir -- but it's a bit awkwardly presented. Try reading it out loud and coming up with ways to make this sound a bit more natural.

Interestingly enough, some of the pieces of dialogue that follow aren't as awkward.

---

Wait...I’ve heard of you-u-u-u.
You’re that there Preacher...Sheriff.
I heard you ain’t never lost a
gunfight. Is that true? Look at
you. You look like dried up horse
dung that’s been trampled over by a
stampede of buffalo.

This block is pretty awkward, too. At first, it sounds like Ringo is scared of the preacher, which kind of goes against his character so far...and then he proceeds to get arrogant and make fun of the guy, which DOES sound like something he would do.

Needless to say, this is a little inconsistent. An alternative could be:

RINGO: "I heard of you. You're that preacher-slash-sheriff. Is it true you've never lost a gunfight?"

Or...something. Heh.

You could have the preacher keep his cool and not respond. Ringo could chuckle sarcastically, and then make fun of the preacher.

Juuust something to think about.

---

Done.

This was strange. The preacher said only one line that he repeated over and over, which was kind of overkill. I think the "lord will provide line" would have been much for effective in moderation. Also, I think you should spend some time developing the Preacher and Betsy, so when they cross off with Ringo, we'll WANT to root for them to take him down. As it stands now, I was kind of indifferent about the whole thing and Betsy literally came out of nowhere.

Your actions/descriptions were decent. I think they can afford to be tighter and you should limit your usage of the CAP LOCK. Typically, only sound effects are in caps, as well as introducing new characters. =P

Lastly, action "paragraphs" should never exceed four lines. And when writing screenplays, you don't need to write out "ACT ONE, ACT TWO", etc.

Overall, I do think this story has potential. Character development is definitely needed, but you have plenty to work with, here. Good luck.  

What'd you Two do, just come off of playing "Red Dead Redemption"?  C'mon, there are complete passages of dialogue ripped right out of the game.  The whole picture of health magic elixir was Niles West Dickens.  I'm not even a gamer but I know this.  So, if I know this... A guy who games rarely -- Do you expect others to not smell a fake?  Others that do actually game.

With that said, RockStar themselves have stolen so much material for that game they should be sued.  Everything from Pale Rider all the way to Lucio "THE GREAT" Fulci's "Four of the Apocalypse" was hijacked by them guys.  So maybe your stealing from peter to pay paul???

Then again, Hollywood is stealing from the video game industry daily so I guess it evens out.  But as a writer you should strive to be as creative and original as possible.  You're suppose to break the mold, not make another one.  A little advice from me.  Take it or leave.

In the end it was sloppy work.  I read another script by you Two also.  I forget the name now but it was in Doc format If memory serves.

This is the second draft.   Thanks to Phil Clark for comments on Draft#1.  They were appreciated.

A special thanks to Yeaster.  You actually took the story apart and looked at the pieces in what seemed to be a highly professional and technical perspective.  Your feedback was taken quite seriously.  I hope it shows in the changes made and especially with the added scene that is intended to bring more depth to the Jonah and Betsy relationship.  My best regards go out to you.

Special note – Other strong comments on Draft#1 suggested that this story/dialogue was stolen from a video game and called MY STORY a fake.  Not being a video game player, I bought the game mentioned and played it quite extensively on my grandson's machine these past weeks.  

It's an amusing game.  Unless you focus on something like you-u-u-u in a slow Texan draw, which, come on now, is really a staple for a western, I couldn't find any similarities whatsoever between MY STORY and the game.

For a self proclaimed professional critic, I would think you'd be more careful.  No, whether good or bad, this story and the dialogue in it came from only one place...my imagination.

Now would be a good time for you to read and review some scripts, on these boards here.


Phil