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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Z Relief Moderators: bert
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  Author    Z Relief  (currently 2090 views)
Don
Posted: September 21st, 2010, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Z Relief by Jean-Pierre Chapoteau - Short, Horror - A wealthy man suffers the consequences of contributing to a "good" cause. 9 pages - pdf, format


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Zombie Sean
Posted: September 21st, 2010, 7:47pm Report to Moderator
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From the title, I knew what this was going to be about. Your logline threw me off a bit, but when the "twist" came, it came to me as no surprise. Nothing wrong with it, though, as I enjoy that kind of stuff.

What you have here seems like art. I really liked your descriptions, and the way your characters interact with each other really kept me interested. The way everyone interacted with each other kept me interested. I was wondering what you were going to do with the "happy couple" and the ending made me realise what they were looking at him strangely for.

So, let me get this straight: there's a zombie virus that's infected the population, but Leon, who works for the government, was able to develop a cure for it, but those infected remain infected and with the same symptoms (the need to feed on the flesh of the living), and are able to talk and walk among the living as if they were still alive, right? If so, that's a pretty neat idea.

The ending was a bit odd for me. It's like, this officer attacks Leon, and suddenly, everyone who is infected goes berserk and wants to eat people? As if that one little attack triggered another outbreak all over again? It seemed kind of sudden, so maybe find a way to have more closure for the end. That's what I'd like to see. I really liked this, and it's an interesting put on the zombie genre, and how one can love another who is undead. We've seen some more messed up portrayals of this zombie love, and I even wrote a script called "End of Tape" (not very well-written, at that) that included more to zombie love than just kisses and hugs...But this one was interesting. I liked it a lot. I really hope the author is here to see my comments.

Sean
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Jean-Pierre Chapoteau
Posted: September 22nd, 2010, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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Oh, thanks Zombie Sean!  You are definitely not the first to get on me about my ending... ugh, I just don't know how to fix it! You say go more subtle? Okay, I'll try that.

I'm glad you liked it overall and I'm glad you understood the "Happy Couple" Over at Moviepoet, people didn't understand them, and some thought my characters were Vampires. Ha!

Yeah, you got the plot down. That's exactly what it's about. I'll try and work on the end, so it reads smoother. I really appreciate your feedback.

Thanks.    

  


I DON'T READ REVIEWS BEFORE I REVIEW!!
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Zombie Sean
Posted: September 22nd, 2010, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm, I'm not exactly sure how the ending can be fixed up. I was going to think that Crisolla was going to eat Leon or bite him when he came over, but that too would have been a little cheesy in a way. I'm not sure what kind of closure I want to see, either. I guess maybe end it on a depressing note? Maybe Crisolla doesn't want to hurt Leon, and that she can't control her hunger for the flesh of the living any longer and goes and kills herself. I'm not sure, but I think you could do something with it. You'll just have to have more people here read it and see if they give any suggestions.

I also thought that Crisolla was a vampire for a moment! They probably got confused since she talked, and zombies don't normally talk. Also probably because of her red eyes and pale skin. But, being a zombie fanatic, I saw past the stupid vampire phase and went straight for the hardcore movie monster.

Good job!

Sean
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Colkurtz8
Posted: September 23rd, 2010, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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Jean-Pierre

This one took me by surprise, I was constantly trying to get my bearings here and keep up with what was going on until the final couple of scenes...and that's not a criticism, I really dug this. Like Sean, I think this is a very interesting take on the zombie genre whereby the undead can co-exist with the living as long as the don't "violently feed" thus giving themselves away.

The dialogue between Leon and Crisolla was very sharp and realistic, you described their interactions and body language brilliantly, very natural and well observed. Even though we just met these people they seemed very familiar and fully drawn both to us and themselves (except Crisolla’s dark secret of course)

Some great prose writing in here too, at least from a screenwriting perspective, short, punchy, descriptive sentences were a highlight and really elevated the read to something better whilst maintaining a brisk pace and kept the pace. You have a nice writing style.

Having said that, I think the opening scene in the restroom could do with some clarification as you only mention the photo of Crisolla before the script reads:

“Attached to the box, a tube, which leads underneath Crisolla's shirt.”

It took me awhile to figure out that Crisolla herself, occupied the room also, you know.

The ending was a bit crazy, I like how the cops turned on him, that was cool, took me by surprise but for everyone else to turn frantic and frenzied seemed to be pushing the horror element too far. As they say, “less is more” (sometimes)

How about keeping Leon getting eaten by the cops so that the tragedy of him falling victim to the very thing he’s trying to combat remains intact. I would have Crisolla as the only witness since (for me anyway) it adds more emotional punch that she, and she alone, has to watch someone close to her die right before her eyes without being able to do a thing about...and, in a way, probably be  somewhat drawn to it given her own situation. You can still conclude the piece the same way you have it now.

The best thing I found about this was the subversion and secrecy at which these zombies operate and how it demands the reader to gradually get wise to what was happening in this alternate reality you’ve created. Having a 28 Days Later-esque (a good film in its own right) scene spliced in there only undermined the subtlety and mystique of what had gone before, in my opinion. This genre is so overdone that the more zombies-feeding-on-hapless-humans sequences you got in there the less interesting and more generic and boring it becomes, as it will just look like the thousands of other zombie films out there...again, this is just my opinion.

Have you plans to expand this, Jean-Pierre? It definitely feels like something which could be developed into something very intriguing.

Best of luck with it.

Col.


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 25th, 2010, 3:07am Report to Moderator
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Very artistic take on zombies.
I'd like to see it explored further.
I can see playing out like a war occupation story.
The zombies are in hiding and want to escape human controlled cities!


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jwent6688
Posted: September 28th, 2010, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERINOS!!!!!

First off, congrats on what seems, at least to me, an original take on zombies. Organized, posing as humans and infiltrating their green zone. Very clever.

I'm gonna admit, i had a lot of problems with it though. Crisolla was totally put offish. Don't see why Leon was so into her. Maybe if you made him a fat, bookish nerd and she were model-esque it would be more belivable as to why he would want her to move in so badly. You don't even describe them though.

The agreement to save humanity should be explored more. Obviously, eating the living, they cannot exist without them. Also, would've liked a bit more of what Crisolla was actually serving at her restaurant. Again, an idea that needs to be fleshed out more. Was it really just rare steak?

Why doesn't Leon know that the cure doesn't work? Or do they just want to remain zombies. Cannot fathom why they would.

The ending, fell a bit flat for me as it did for others. Would think that whole militarized zone would erupt with cops eating a human. Maybe if they could just put him in the car. The cop looks up at Crisolla and she nods, with a tear in her eye. Then they drive him off.

Again, think you have a very creative idea here. It just seems too truncated.

Some of your descriptions were odd to me.

"They poke at each other as they leave out." or "Walk out." - just sounds better to me. Guessing your not stateside. Many aren't on this site. Hope this helps some.

Good work overall though, Was entertaining, Glad I read it.


James






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Jean-Pierre Chapoteau
Posted: September 28th, 2010, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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@ Jwent I was born in Washington DC, thank you VERY MUCH! Haha. How embarrassing...

In my original script she was very cold, so I cheered her up a bit. I guess not enough, huh? I might change that if more people wonder the same thing.

I really want Crisolla to go into this whole detailed speech about their zombie organization and everything, because it's all in my head, but I tried to give you as little, but enough information as possible. People say I should expand it to a feature. I don't really see how it can be done without being a good version of "Daybreakers" but  if I do, I'll be sure to explain all of that.

Rare steak =  Freshly killed human.

The cure does work. The evolved Zombies just don't want to take it. They have excepted who they are, and want to stay that way. I'm sure somewhere in the land there are zombies who hate themselves. Crisolla is not one of them, but she doesn't like to see people she cares about get hurt.

Thanks for the review, Jwent. Has your "So Pretty" been produced yet? I remember loving that.


I DON'T READ REVIEWS BEFORE I REVIEW!!
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jwent6688
Posted: September 28th, 2010, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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The cure does work. The evolved Zombies just don't want to take it. They have excepted who they are, and want to stay that way. I'm sure somewhere in the land there are zombies who hate themselves. Crisolla is not one of them, but she doesn't like to see people she cares about get hurt.


Then you should flesh this out a bit as to why. She seems depressed. Her life, the box, the makeup, ice cold baths and constant hunger, doesn't seem to appealing to the audience. At least not to me. So I don't get why she wouldn't want to be cured?


Thanks for the review, Jwent. Has your "So Pretty" been produced yet? I remember loving that.


Nope. probably won't unless I do it myself. Shooting on a train, lighting, sound. Told it's a nightmare. Made Shriekfest finalist though. Happy enough there. Thanks for asking. Take care JP.

James



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grademan
Posted: September 29th, 2010, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hey JP!

I liked it.

I could tell it was going to be about zombies from the beginning. Good approach.

You kept it interesting through dialogue.  Odd, I heard the two main characters as having smoker’s cough. Two main characters for nine pages is hard to do without talking heads. OK by me.

The story was muddled in places but I was able to follow. I think some readers might like that.

Good style. Clean. Word order was odd in a place or two as someone noted above.

Your ending was satisfying as it was a result of your characters. If you wanted to amp it up a bit, maybe something with the Happy Couple might give it a twist to go out on.

Gary
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Jean-Pierre Chapoteau
Posted: September 30th, 2010, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jwent6688


Then you should flesh this out a bit as to why. She seems depressed. Her life, the box, the makeup, ice cold baths and constant hunger, doesn't seem to appealing to the audience. At least not to me. So I don't get why she wouldn't want to be cured?



Wow, I never intended to show you that the zombie life is depressing. I need to fix that.  It's not that they hate being zombies, because they've evolved. It's hiding the fact that they're zombies is what's troubling. I need to make that more clear. Thanks Jwent.


I DON'T READ REVIEWS BEFORE I REVIEW!!
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khamanna
Posted: October 1st, 2010, 8:34am Report to Moderator
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Hi JP,

I've read this again - you made some great changes to the original - this really works. I think now it is complete, you shouldn't touch it anymore. It's a very good script, read it in five minutes, understood all of it, didn't have to reread one bit.

Made great sense, imaginative, original...
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Coding Herman
Posted: October 6th, 2010, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, JeanPierre, where have you been, buddy? You weren't that active in September.

Anyway, I've read the original over at MoviePoet and I should say there are things that are better here and things that you should have kept.

I think there is too much emphasize on the red box in the beginning, and the box didn't get a payoff itself. The conversation in the Chinese restaurant is lengthened as well, but I liked the original better. It was short and more to-the-point. You need to get the zombie plot in sooner, or else we'd think this is a romantic drama.

The middle section is mostly the same as the original. Liked the armed patrol scene, just like before. I didn't exactly understand what Crisolla was trying to do in her bathroom. Why the cream and ice bath? Was her skin decaying and she wants to lengthen the time to rot? This should have been shown more clearly.

Now, the improvement in this rewrite lies at the end. It is more clear what Crisolla wants and what is at stake in this world. You fixed the photographs with names crossed out part.

Good story, btw.


Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Jean-Pierre Chapoteau
Posted: October 7th, 2010, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
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@Khamanna Thanks. I'm really glad that you still liked it.

@ Herman I was on the fence with the redbox too. I just tried to answer all questions in this zombie world and how they stay in one piece, rather than falling apart. The redbox is to suck out the food they eat so their stomachs won't eventually explode since zombies don't use the bathroom. I look at it as giving you a look into her personal life and then I take you to the actual story.

I love the fact that you think it plays like a romantic comedy in the beginning! I like that my audience is confused in the beginning. That way the zombie comes as s shock. That was intentional.

The cream and the tub IS to preserve the skin. That's not clear? Hm...

Thanks for the review Herman. You called me out last month on which script was mine, and you were right. You think you know which one I wrote this month? Haha.


I DON'T READ REVIEWS BEFORE I REVIEW!!
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Coding Herman
Posted: October 8th, 2010, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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I think it might be better to hold off the red box until she's in her own bathroom. The reason is two-fold. The minor one: using the box at a public restroom is not that smart. The major one: Maybe it's me, but I didn't have any idea what she's doing with the box because it's not setup she's a zombie yet.

I haven't read all of the monster scripts yet, I'll try to call you out again (if I can).


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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