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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Predator 3: Questionable Loyalty Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 9th, 2010, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Predator 3: Questionable Loyalty by Sami Samuel - Sci Fi, Fantasy - The sequel to Predator 2 107 pages - pdf, format


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Eoin
Posted: October 10th, 2010, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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Talking Predators?? Read through your script, skimmed through it in other place, especially where your extremely word descriptions got in the way. The premise, to me, falls flat on it's face. Talking Predators just don't work. Period. It destroys everything about them and they have a number of horrid reboots. You need to be FAR more economical with your descriptions. Most people already know what they are and teir weapons and how they see etc. You insist on retelling each one of these details with as many words as you can squeeze in. Less is more. I'm waiting for the next script, talking Aliens. Maybe Latifa could play a singing queen?
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Vassago
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 3:05am Report to Moderator
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First off, Sami good job, I highly enjoyed this script.  Now, Eoin, why the hell do you have to be so negative about talking Predators and this guys script.  You sound so rude?  How the hell do you know this won't work?  We already know what the hell the Predator is from the all the movies they were in.  They are intellegent. There masks simulate speech all the time in the movies.  You make it sound like Predators are mutes and dumb.  This script could work with a subtitle type dialect when the Preds talk.  They did it in the Aliens Vs Predator 2010 video game.  Why not a movie.  I would rather see a Predator movie without humans than the garbage they put out with AVP and AVP:R.  I enjoyed Predators, but it was so much like a remake of the first one it was almost laughable.  The first part of this guys script puts the viewer with the Predators instead of with the humans.  You know and learn about there heirarchy.  You said next they will have talking Aliens (I assume you mean Ridley Scotts Aliens)  No comparison in intellegence.  Aliens are breading, killing machines with no purpose except to propogate.  Predators have honor, intellect, are humanoid, and are technologically savy.    And the Predators in this script besides the Hybrid talk amongst each other.  It's not like they walk around bullshitting with people they are killing.  Anyway, I really liked this script Sami.  Keep up the good work.  I enjoyed the Predators hunts on other planets against other alien creatures.  Awesome imaginiation my man.
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Eoin
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 4:13am Report to Moderator
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@ Vassago - 6 posts and you're an expert already - There's nothing rude about what I said, it's my opnion, deal with it. It's the purpose of this site - were there any profanities? All I gave was simple honest feedback - I don't believe in slapping people on the back and telling them how fantastic they are etc. You're argument about Aliens not being intelligent - give me a break. Where did I say Predators weren't intelligent? I specifically said a film with talking Predators does not work and the description are overly wordy in the script - it's a moot point anyway as this isn't going to be made - you don't own the franchise, neither does Sami. "There masks simulate speech all the time in the movies." That happens on the rarests of occasions (and thats why it works) and when it's done there a very specific reason for doing so, usually as a supporting device to underscore mood and tension.

BTW - regarding rude and unhelpful comments - your recent review of Lucifer "Thumbs Down.  Not a script.  No plot.  No meaning.  No nothing but a fight scene. All i could picture was the satan from Southpark fighting Jesus." And you have the audacity to patronise me.

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Eoin  -  October 18th, 2010, 10:08am
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mike1322
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Sami - I personally believe just cutting down the description to two lines or less (unless you absolutely have to) would improve the reading experience 10X.

While I personally like my Predators communicating more than speaking, I think it was a cool device you added and made this different than the garbage sequels they made.  You got some chops for sure - keep it up.  

I'll check out your next one.

Mike
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samisamuel34
Posted: October 24th, 2010, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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Eoin, from the way you critique my screenplay you sound very bitter, but its okay. Everything is fair game. If they came out with shitty movies like Jason X, my moviescript has a chance even if i dont own the franchise. I dont see anything wrong with talking Predators; with their numerous technology they have, I'm sure they can talk.

To Mike1322 and Vassago, thank you for your opinion. Can you have more people to read the script and post their opinions about it. Can you also specify where I can delete the extra description. Again, thanks alot.  
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: October 24th, 2010, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from samisamuel34
To Mike1322 and Vassago, thank you for your opinion. Can you have more people to read the script and post their opinions about it.  Not everything you write will be a masterpiece. In fact, some of it may downright stink. While your friends and family may tell you everything you write is great, other screenwriters and especially producers will be far more honest. Sometimes even bordering on brutal.  

Can you also specify where I can delete the extra description.   You're the writer... don't you know????


This is how things work.  You want more reads then you need to hang out and participate.  But having said that... I don't see too many people running down to the neighborhood library to check this out.

Based on the "Glowing Reviews," by Vassago and Mike1322, I'm thinking we have an "Oscar Award" winning script here.  So I decided to take a look.

Your very first page is problematic.  Your copyright statement is reseved for your title page.

That first bulky line of dialogue should be a voiceover.  Not too mention you should start the script with "Fade In."

Your paragraphs... keep them short. Four lines or fewer, make scripts read very quickly, especially as dialogue is spun.  But you decide to bog us down with bulky descriptive text.  Some nine... some eight... seven.  What you need to be doing is keeping the descriptions to only the essentials.

Clearly when you wrote this... you had something else in mind, but it wasn't the reader.

Remember, fans of the "Predator," movies are somewhat familiar with them.

Can you explain this...  EXT.  WOMEN'S P.O.V - Continuous.  Are you kidding me???

Maybe this might work better... SAMANTHA'S P.O.V -  (But even I wouldn't do that)

Let's not forget this... "Looking at this strange being terrifies the already terrified woman."  You have a lot of this going on.  I believe the woman is Samantha, correct?

If your going to name your characters, "THUGS,"  then it should be "Thug#1 and not thug#1."  Be consistant.

Again, "He belongs to a breed of intergalactic game big-game hunters on everlasting expedition."  

Again...  We know it's an abandoned theater. We can see it on screen.  Things you don't need...

INT.  ABANDONED THEATER - NIGHT

"Over the years, vandalism has taken a heavy toll on the building.  Only the intact side catwalks serves as a constant reminder that this was a theater."

While your lush narratives and detailed description would make for a great novel... it makes for poor screenwriting.

I only highlighted some of the things within the first four pages.  I skimmed to page 15.  More of the same.  Needless to say... "I'm pullin' a Palin."

For three reasons... you haven't participated on these boards yet and second, it's like pulling teeth to read this and third, the franchise belongs to someone else.

You may have a great script here... I hope you do.  I want to see every writer succeed.

But this is JMO... I could be totally wrong.  So let me make that clear.  But nevertherless I'm done here.

Good Luck

Ghostwriter



Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
ghost and_ghostie gal  -  October 24th, 2010, 10:09pm
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samisamuel34
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First, speaking of pulling teeth, just reading your "Criticism " I wanted to pull my hair out. What the hell is "JMO" and "I'm pulling a Palin". Speak English. Second, you talk to me as if I'm I am sending this script to Fox Studio. For your information, I just wrote this on a whim. Third, I requote, "Can you also specify where I can delete the extra description.   You're the writer... don't you know???? " I like to ask for advice. Is that a problem? "Based on the "Glowing Reviews," by Vassago and Mike1322, I'm thinking we have an "Oscar Award" winning script here"  You're attempt in trying to be funny is pathetic. Fourth, you critique this "spec script" as if I'm a veteran screenwriting. Unfortunately, I'm not. This is my first "script" I wrote.

"you haven't participated on these boards"..... Only just recently I was aware of this site.


It would be a great help if you shared your "wisdom" and "experience" in writing scripts. Maybe you can show me sites and tell me about books or perhaps return my script edited. One more thing read the final draft for AvP; it is full of lush description.  Another thing,  I quote,  "... I don't see too many people running down to the neighborhood library to check this out"  .... My "script" is not located in the   neighborhood library.

Sami  
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ghost and_ghostie gal
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Samisamuel34

Predator is a franchise, fans are familiar with what they look-like.  So unless you're bringing something new to the table, as in their description, there's no need to go into great detail again.  Page#3 from your script.  This is six lines.  I cut out a few things and I'll tell you why?

The Predator crouches and grabs his first victim by the head.  The extraterrestrial examines Thug#1's head, moving from right to left.  A growl emits from the Predators mouth as he drops the body.  The Predator goes through the same process with the second victim.  Again, a growl escapes from his throat.  He roughly tosses the cadaver aside.

I took out extraterrestrial because we already know this.  When someone examines something, chances are, they'll probably move their head.  Its a given.  Usually, when someone growls it comes from their mouth.  You mentioned, he does the same with the second victim.  No need to repeat. Again, a growl escapes from his throat.  He tosses the cadaver aside.   Do you need most of this... not really.

Now re-work everything else.  Could I?  Yes, but here's the kicker... this isn't my script, this is yours.  Why?  Because everyone writes differently and you have your own style, and no one is here to change that.

If you do, Instead of six lines, you're down to two and a half, maybe three.

The Predator shifts his attention to the woman, and slowly extends his hand towards her face.  But before he can make contact, the lady immediately throws up her hands in front of her face while she cowers in fear.

When I think of cower, fear comes to mind.  Her name is Samantha, I'd stick with that.  But you call her woman and lady also.  Makes her more human if you call her Samantha.  You did take the time to name her.  Not to mention we also cut down on words ending with "ly and ings."  Use in moderation.

The Predator shifts his attention, extends his hand towards Samantha's face.  Before he can make contact, she cowers, throws her hands up.  

This reads a little better.  Personally, I'd probably leave out, before he can make contact.  But this isn't my script.

Just examples.  I thought about taking one of the paragraphs with nine lines, but instead, I'd just say break them in half.

Clearly, you put sometime and effort in writing this... is shows.  So does the passion.  That's a good thing.

You've just discovered the site... fair enough.  Your first script... fair enough.  Don't know how many screenwriting books you've read.  The first thing you should do is read some before, you ever decide to write a script.  Read more scripts, lots.  The more the better.

Listen to RV and Screenrider, their both smarter then me.  If you stick around, you can learn a lot from the writers on SS.  They have quite a few very good writers, better then myself.  

Criticism is a compliment.  Be flattered. It means people care enough about you to say something. They see potential in you and think you can do better. Be thankful that people have taken time out of their day to help you succeed. Feedback is a great thing.

Good Luck...

Ghostwriter



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ghost and_ghostie gal  -  October 26th, 2010, 3:48am
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Eoin
Posted: October 26th, 2010, 10:05am Report to Moderator
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I sound very bitter - i think the word you're looking for is honest. It's funny, i was the first to comment on your script and suggest you cut your descriptions, yet you turned to Vassago and Mike for advice on where to apply those cuts, because they weren't as 'bitter' as me. Turn around for your pat on the back. If I hadn't commented on your script, I don't think you'd have got any feedback what so ever. No thanks needed, for the bitterness or the honesty. If you want praise, show this to your parents.
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Baltis.
Posted: October 26th, 2010, 11:48am Report to Moderator
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So I've been reading the script and I hate the be the echo opposed to the voice; but yeah... It's a pretty weighty script.  It's a very close quarters, tight read.  And not tight like you're probably thinking.  It's very crammed and jammed for space.  Everything is off in this one.  Everything.

Long Dialog chains
Long paragraphs of action
Improper use of FADE IN:
Improper space and overall format
Use of Supers and Mash Cuts

It's all off here.  

You write too novel for a screenplay.  Very, very particular and detailed a lot of times.  This would be considered great if it were in a Barns and noble, but it's not.  It's a screenplay and they have to be short, simply and easy on the eyes.  Nothing you've done here helped me read it.  Nothing.  I got to page 62 I believe... And I just had to stop.  

I know you worked hard on this script.  Hell, it shows.  You really did throw a wrench into the cogs, I won't deny that.  But it's like this... Say you're building a house.  People are depending on you to get it done.  To frame it and to adhere to the blue prints given... You then show up on the job with a Playschool tool set, complete with plastic drill.  

Right idea, just not the tools for the job.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 26th, 2010, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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As a general rule of thumb, I am not eager to read "fan scripts". Also, I enjoyed the recent Predators, which, in my POV, *is* Predator 3...

I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Samisamuel34.
You keep asking for reads? So be it.

If you read Rancorium, Cherry Vine  or Crimson Scarab.  I will read your fanscript here. You read me first. Then I will read your fanscript. I won't repeat what others have already said; they mean well and they are trying to help you improve. Chances are very high that they are right on what they have read. I'm not sure exactly why you're taking it too hard, you are, after all, writing a "fanscript" -something you can't possibly sell or get made. But if you want to regard this as an exercise, then you can use your fanscript for such a purpose. You're new. Fine. You don't know a peanut from a pistachio. I get it. But you do have an opinion.

You see a movie, like those crappy AvP films, you like it or leave it, you have an opinion. Same thing goes for a script be it here, Triggerstreet, Zoetrope etc. Give the best review you can. What you liked/didn't like. You don't have to kiss ass, you don't have to tear anyone a new rear end either. Just do your best.  (by the way, keep in mind that what you read in regards to the AvP shooting script was just that. They have a lot more leeway, because sometimes they are instructed by those that hired them to put the garbage in there!)


Rancorium is in the horror section. Scarab will be in horror in a few days. I mention Scarab simply because if you keep an eye for it, you may be one of the first to review it at this site. It'll also give you some time to think about the offer if you choose.Vine is in the action section.
You must read the script front to back. If you stop reading on a page and admit to such, so be it. That will be the exact same page I will quit on P3.


-DjS


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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samisamuel34
Posted: October 31st, 2010, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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Point well taken from most of you. I accept criticism especially straightforward criticism without the insults. Just tell me what's wrong. (Thanks Ghostwriter for pointing out my mistakes). You guys who read the script do me too much honor for reading it and pointing out several (or infinite) mistakes.  So I guess less words, less description better script?????
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samisamuel34
Posted: October 31st, 2010, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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thanks baltis for the insight. How can i get the right tools?
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samisamuel34
Posted: October 31st, 2010, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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Ghostwriter, I didnt want to be redundant. What screenwriting books do you recommend? Again thanks for the tip.
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