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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  Red Sun Moderators: bert
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  Author    Red Sun  (currently 8358 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2010, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Red Sun by Brett Martin (electric dreamer) - Western - A double crossed thief and a honorable samurai form an uneasy alliance in order to recover a priceless stolen artifact and a fortune in gold. 101 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  March 9th, 2011, 5:52pm
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 1:19am Report to Moderator
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***Author's Note, Please Read Before Commenting***

Thanks for taking the time to flip through my first script.
This is a "spec remake" of a 1971 film.
It is not for sale and strictly a training tool and a writing sample.
It was just one of those things that would not go away until I wrote it down.
While polishing up my skills on this script, I have been developing original material.
Thank you to all that make this such a fun site for me.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.

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Electric Dreamer  -  October 25th, 2010, 8:00pm
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conwall
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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Reads more like a novel than a script.  Probably something like twenty or so speaking parts in the first few pages make it very difficult to read, let alone follow.  The action sequences were pretty well done.  I particularly liked when the train started to go in reverse.  That surprised me.  But we spend a lot of time introducing characters on the train platform, who don't say anything.

Better if Link just gets on board and we get the feel for everything as he walks from car to car or something.

I also liked where the guy drew a star on the window.  Great example of Showing instead of Telling.  

Sophisticated story telling, but come on with now this guy, and this guy, and this guy, oh and don't forget this guy, and another guy, but wait, there's also this guy and this guy.  

Holy crap.  Who can keep up?


Your comments welcome on:  GOD GETS FIRED.  Comedy, 89 pages.  Humans are such a failure that God loses his job.  Worse, his ex-wife is appointed to oversee Earth’s destruction.  Luckily, God has a plan…but it’s not about saving us.  It’s about winning her back.

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/GodGetsFired.pdf
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soulforvee
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 2:32am Report to Moderator
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read till page 10.u introduce a boatload of characters.way too much in my opinion.u should also avoid Fade to and Cut to: let the director direct and focus on writing visually.maybe somewhere theres a cool story there. i would gladly read the rewrite
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Brian M
Posted: October 23rd, 2010, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't realise this was uploaded. I've read the first 20 pages and I'm enjoying it so far, and I'm not a western guy. You did intro a lot of characters but I'm following everything just fine.

I think you read all of the 7WC scripts so I hope you get a lot of reads on this. I'll finish by tomorrow or Monday.


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dogglebe
Posted: October 23rd, 2010, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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It took me the longest time to realize what movie this is a remake for.  I knew it was a Charles Bronson movie.  When I realized what it was--and saw your title--I was embarrassed.


Phil
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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Why were you embarrassed, Phil?


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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dogglebe
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
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The original movie is Red Sun.  Reading the title, here, should've been enough.


Phil
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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HaHa!  Gotcha. I don't remember it by name, but I bet ya I've seen it. Used to love old Charlie Bronson.

I'll be giving this a look ASAP, Brett.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Baltis.
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
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It was one of my favorite movies when I was a kid... Largely due to the samurai me thinks. I remember having a VHS of RED SUN - CHOOSE ME &, oddly; LADY IN RED on it.  I don't know where it came from but I watched it all the time.  Also because of Bronson, but I had fond memories of sitting and watching him in Once Upon a Time In the West.  Which I took much inspiration from when writing "Coffin Canyon" over the last 9 years.  Love that movie.  Love Henry Fonda.  Love it all.

& Phil, you and I were in a topic with the author here and giving him tips on if he should pursue this or not.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 26th, 2010, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett, I read your first 10 pages.  Here are my thoughts...

First of all, I think it's good.  There's alot going on, alot of characters intro'd...and killed.  Alot of action.  Alot of detail.  It's all handled pretty well, IMO.

It's a tough read, though, because of all of the above.  It was tough for me to get good visuals.  It was tough for me to follow along with everything taking place.

One thing I definitely did not like was the abundance of exclamation marks.  Actually, I don't like their presence in a script at all, other than in dialogue.  But I can put up with a few here and there.  Every action segment was littered with them here though, and for me, it really took away from the read.

Westerns really aren't my thing, these days.  Back in the day, I enjoyed them, and one of my all time favorite movies to this day, is The Outlaw Josey Wales.  As I said earlier, I have always been a fan of Charlie Bronson, and I'm sure I've seen this movie, but I don't remember it yet.

I have a feeling that because I don't watch alot of Westerns, this is reading tougher for me than it would if I was more familiar with  them.  I'm not sure.  Obviously, big action scenes with many characters are much tougher to write (and follow) than simple scenes.  I think you've done a pretty good job overall here.  I'm actually impressed.

I was worried that this would be way overwritten like your OWC script.  It doesn't seem to be, but since I don't know how things play out, I can't be sure.  There was alot of detail on the depot, but again, I don't know if it's necessary or not.

Hope this helps, and I apologize for not reading the entire script.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 26th, 2010, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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Brett, as promised, here’s some more feedback through page 20.  I’ll try and get through more tomorrow…we’ll see.

The story is good…interesting…intriguing…but it should be, as it’s already a movie from the early 70’s.  So far, I don’t remember the movie, so maybe I haven’t seen it or it was just too long ago.  I assume you are familiar with it, and have watched it many times, right?

I didn’t take detailed notes, but I did jot a few things down, which follow.  Biggest issue I can see is your continual usage of so and so sees, watches, hears, etc.  Keep in mind that when you write this, you are actually calling for shots of both the person doing the watching, seeing, hearing, as well as whatever it is that is being watched, seen, or heard.  IMO, people use this incorrectly most of the time, as a way of getting around we see, we hear, etc.  If you’re not really looking for a reactionary shot, so to speak, just write whatever it is that’s taking place, be it action or sound, as characters in the same vicinity will see and hear things taking place around them.

As I said earlier, and you already responded about, lose all or most of the exclamation marks!  PLEASE!!!

Let me know if you have questions, as I didn’t really write this stuff down in a way that’s simple to follow along.

Notes -

Lots of Link does this, and Link does that.

Lots of so and so sees this, so and so hears that.  Personally, I’m against these in most circumstances.  If a character is in the scene, they are going to see and hear whatever is taking place.  These should only be used when you’re looking for a reactionary shot of the character hearing or seeing whatever it is.  Otherwise, just state the sight or sound.

lays/lies – look this up and do a search and replace wherever it’s wrong.

Careful of your Slugs – make sure all the action is actually taking place where you say we are.  I think there are some issues early on with the train fight scenes.

POV shots – make sure only what is seen through the POV is included.  When you leave the POV, you need to “RETURN TO SCENE”

Problem with a line on page 9, beginning with “Corporal Holly and fire…”

MOMENTS LATER/MINUTES LATER – Be consistent…you’ve use both.  Also watch your times in your Slugs and make sure they make sense and are exactly what you want.

I am not a fan of “INT/EXT” scenes.  IMO, it’s lazy writing, and in this case, I think it’s harder to follow along.

LUXURY CAR/AMBASSADOR’S LUXERY CAR – One and the same car?  If so, again, you’ve used both.  You want and need to be 100% consistent with your Slugs.

Some missing commas throughout.  Most don’t really matter, but some change the read, so I’d give it another read through to catch them.

Remember to Cap all new characters when they are first intro’d…even if they don’t have names.

Page 20 – OK, the opening “scene” basically takes up 20 pages, or 20 minutes of film. Is this how long the movie version takes to set the story up?  I think it’s an intriguing story and pretty well done, but IMO, it just takes too long to get going.  Basically, we’ve got 18% (we’ll call it 20% to make it easy to follow) of the entire script spent on the intro/setup.  For some types of movies, I wouldn’t have a problem with this ratio, but I don’t think you can get away with it in an action/drama/Western…I may be wrong.

So much of this is action with very little dialogue.  That's not a bad thing, so to speak, but it's a very dense read so far...a difficult read with so much going on, so many different characters.  I don't feel like I really know anyone yet.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 26th, 2010, 9:47pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Brett, as promised, here’s some more feedback through page 20.  I’ll try and get through more tomorrow…we’ll see.

The story is good…interesting…intriguing…but it should be, as it’s already a movie from the early 70’s.  So far, I don’t remember the movie, so maybe I haven’t seen it or it was just too long ago.  I assume you are familiar with it, and have watched it many times, right?

Page 20 – OK, the opening “scene” basically takes up 20 pages, or 20 minutes of film. Is this how long the movie version takes to set the story up?  I think it’s an intriguing story and pretty well done, but IMO, it just takes too long to get going.  Basically, we’ve got 18% (we’ll call it 20% to make it easy to follow) of the entire script spent on the intro/setup.  For some types of movies, I wouldn’t have a problem with this ratio, but I don’t think you can get away with it in an action/drama/Western…I may be wrong.

So much of this is action with very little dialogue.  That's not a bad thing, so to speak, but it's a very dense read so far...a difficult read with so much going on, so many different characters.  I don't feel like I really know anyone yet.


Jeff,

Thanks again for putting in the effort here, I truly appreciate it.
I will incorporate your useful technical notes into my next draft.
For now, I want to address your concern over the opening sequences.

Yes, I have watched the film a half dozen times.
It's difficult to find, its not available in most regions on DVD.
However, if you know where to look, you can find it on the internet's charcoal areas.
On the top of page 20 of my script is when Link and Kuroda depart on their quest.
In the original film, this does not happen until 24 minutes into the story.
In that 19+ pages, I have also added several aspects not in the original film.
The sniper, the little girl and wooden horse, Smirker, the Captain & Corporal's lines.
All these folks are in the original film, but have little to no contribution to the story.
I hope this helps answer your concerns about the opening scenes of my script.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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dogglebe
Posted: October 26th, 2010, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Baltis.
& Phil, you and I were in a topic with the author here and giving him tips on if he should pursue this or not.


If Brett is writing this just as an exercise, then I say go for it.  If he hopes to shop it around, I would say not to try.  If Hollywood, which seems to be doing a lot of remakes, wants to remake Red Sun, it'll bring in an established writer for the job.


Phil
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Brian M
Posted: October 27th, 2010, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett,

Thanks to work, I couldn’t finish this by Monday like promised. Anyway, better late than never. I liked the opening a lot. A lot of characters introduced, but I could follow everything just fine, and that’s unusual for me with  scripts with loads of characters in the opening pages.

I thought things slowed down a fair bit until it all kicked off in the end, but it might be that way in the 1971 film, I don’t know, I’ve never seen it. Pretty much all of the action sequences were very well done. I especially liked the shootout in Hotel Maxine with Maria’s death. Also loved the scene at the campsite on pages 43-45. Nice to get to know Link and Kuroda and a welcome break from the action.

I did a quick search on IMDB and the movie reads exactly like you have here. I see your post earlier of what you added, and they work well for me. I can’t tell what else you added though, so it’s difficult for me to comment. There were some great one liners (You dropped your hat!), and some great dialogue about the butter knife etc. If they are added from you, they are very well done, but because I haven’t seen the movie... see my situation here! I’d be interested to know what is new here so it would give me more to comment on.

I see Jeff has already touched on this but I’ll mention it anyway. Almost every action line started with the character’s name, and it got a bit annoying after a while. Most of the time, you will need to start the line with the characters name, but there are ways of mixing this up a bit to make it easier to read.

Anyway, reading this script makes me want to track down the film, so that’s a good thing. There’s a lot of good in here. If you post any more scripts, give me a PM, I’d love to give them a read. Thanks!

Brian


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