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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  Killing Albert Einstein - OWC
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  Author    Killing Albert Einstein - OWC  (currently 3532 views)
Don
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Killing Albert Einstein by Tim Ratcliffe (trojan) - Short, Horror - A young couple experience a night they'll never remember when summoned by an eccentric genius to an old, abandoned house. - pdf, format


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jwent6688
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Guess everybody's after Steven hawkins these days. Got some chuckles from this. Especially his "vroom,vroom" line. I always like your pisstakes Tim, because their above average. 'Nother fine one here. At least it had a story with a bit of a twist to it.

Good work.

James


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Andrew
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 10:34am Report to Moderator
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Tim,

This was amusing. Your take on Hawking was funny, but funny in a I feel guilty laughing way.

Not really much to say other than I enjoyed it. Good writing as well. I recall reading one of your earlier scripts and the difference in quality is huge.


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Trojan
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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Thanks James and Andrew for the comments, always appreciate your thoughts.


Quoted from Andrew
Not really much to say other than I enjoyed it. Good writing as well. I recall reading one of your earlier scripts and the difference in quality is huge.


Of all the scripts I've written this was probably the one I put the least amount of thought and effort into. Only because I'd had a hectic week and just had a few hours on the final day to try and scrap something together. I actually thought about giving up at around 5am when my brain refused to cooperate. So maybe there's something to that, I might try a few more scripts when I'm sleep-deprived and see if my work improves. Thanks for the read.

Cheers,
Tim.

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dogglebe
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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I stopped reading about halfway through.  These scripts are supposed to be horror and people are still doing pisstakes.

FWIW, I didn't think the jokes were funny.


Phil
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screenrider
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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Ha-ha.  Hilarious.   Origininal.  Wrong genre, though.  Gotta deduct 4 points.

Good job, Tim.
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Ryan1
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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What, no alias on this pisstake?  Brave man, Tim  .   Had some pretty funny moments, although I was waiting for Einstein to show up.  Misleading title!  I think you could have done more with this crazy concept of yours.  

Funniest line was "Guess I forgot to carry the one."  I have no problem with these p-takes, but I do wish this was a couple pages shorter.

Ryan
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grademan
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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Tim,

Pisstake or not, horror or gruesome comedy, I liked this! Kind of convoluted but very creative.

Gary
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Murphy
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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I stopped reading this after two pages. It was a pisstake.

I mean, what kind of MORON would write a script about Stephen Hawking? It just did not make sense, I mean it was supposed to be a horror and yet it had jokes! It hurt my brain, does not compute. Horror and humour does not mix, did you guys not learn anything from Shawn of the Dead? That thing was a flop.

Nothing good here at all, I mean come on! There are still loads of untapped ideas in the killer gets his revenge genre, you just did not try to be original here. Shame on you.

----

Actually this was great, Although pissed you stole my idea, I love the premise about Hawking going back in time to kill Einstein, that my friend was inspired. The rollercoaster was funny.

Overall a great little parody, I enjoyed it.

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dogglebe
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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Murphy, take a Pamprin, will you?


Phil
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stevie
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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Damn, the first OWC without one of my pisstakes!! Actually I did one before i did Cleansed, sent it in but Don said he's put it up after the challenge. I guess we could only have one entry.

Tim, great stuff here! Ok, so its a pisser and not really horror but, hey, its entertaining, like Cornie and Murph's.

Loved how she kept sinking the slipper into the bodies...



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Baltis.
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 12:10am Report to Moderator
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I think the OWC should be 70% horror -- 10% comedy -- 10% suspense.  I think I missed the mark myself, but some of these OWC scripts are coming in ass backwards. This was kind of funny, though.  And, it kind of met the requirements so I can't say much else here because it was a parody and little horror.  

Clever writing.
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mcornetto
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 3:39am Report to Moderator
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That was too much.  Stephen Hawking is apparently in this Halloween.   I can just see all the kids wheelchairing their way around the neighborhood and saying "Trick or Treat" with computerized voices.  Just makes you want to hide and not answer the door, doesn't it?

Good work.  I liked it.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Tim,

Best handjob line of the contest!
Good on you for weighing in for the OWC!
This definitely made me grin here and there.
Your script flowed well and nothing bad tripped me up or stood out.
I spent the day at Six Flags yesterday, it was a trip to read about rollercoasters this morning!
You managed to stick to the rules and I appreciate that while you're clearly having a laugh.
I was expecting Einstein to come into it at some point, alas, still a fun read.
Thanks for posting!

Regards,
E.D.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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HaHa!  Good stuff, Tim.

I agree it went on too long and wasn't very funny the majority of the time.  IMO, if you're going the pisser route, you need to do 1 of 2 things...either go for broke and make it constantly funny and way over the top, or go for broke and write it as piss poor as you can, which to me can be quite funny.  This was neither...but it was well thought out and funny in enough places.

One thing I want to point out to you (and a ton of other writers) is that when you use someone's name in dialogue, chances are very good that there will be a comma in front of the name.  People routinely don't understand this, and at times, it can make the read either confusing or funny.

Good job!!!!

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