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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine - OWC
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  Author    Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine - OWC  (currently 3846 views)
Don
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine by Gabriel Moronta (mr. ripley) - Short, Horror - Three ghost hunters prowl the night for ghosts. They recieve more than what they were bargaining for.  - pdf, format


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dogglebe
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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I don't know, Gabe.  I had a lot of problems reading this.

I don't think that using FRANKLIN/BENNETT is proper formatting but it confused me to see it.  And you seemed to have gotten into the characters heads a little too much.


Quoted Text
He observes his surrounding. I remember this place. But what's with...this? Standing up, he observes his hands and clothes.


You can get away with this a little, but not as much as you did.

The story seemed like one long chase scene through a haunted house.  I didn't get too much on character development from it.  Maybe, if you did a rewrite, you can flesh it out and add to it.


Phil
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c m hall
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS
It's an interesting exercise, with clever bits -- at first I thought that the ghosts were having fun with the live bodies but then (to me) the ghosts seemed as confused as the audience would be -- I didn't get the feeling that the ghosts were taking over the bodies of the visitors on purpose, it was just happening.  
I like the tone of the asides, it kept the action from becoming too much like a broken video game.
It's a long way to go for the joke of the title.  Still, a very interesting piece.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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I...I didn't really mind the setting. To me it was like I was on this diving board and took a plunge in the dead pool. That's what I like about this. We join this funhouse of fear in progress. BAM! There we are, here I am! For a OWC, that's not bad. This could even be used as part of a longer short or full length script as a teaser or scene therein. WHAM! BAM! There you go, man!

I dig it! Wild stuff!
This is a scribe having a bit of fun, and it shows. One of the OWC sp's that nailed the criteria, good job overall.

However, if I were to get serious...? I would come down on stuff like this:

She turns around, realizing that she might die tonight. No.
She can’t. She won’t.


and


Could there be an un-boarded or loosely boarded window
upstairs? She climbs up.


and


What’s going on?!


And all of these "inner states of being".It might be one thing if you flipped the bird at good ol' Robert McKee and had something like:

DERRICK (V.O.)
What’s going on?!


So that all these "inner thoughts" of the characters can be heard (McKee is not a supporter of voice overs) but as it stands, they can't be filmed. I'm not a mind reader. I can see what's on a screen. There are just way too many of these.

Also, lightning...not lightening.

Not too bad overall. If you zapped out the states of inner being, it would be much better.

-DjS



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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screenrider
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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Read it.  Hated it.  Didn't care.  Sorry, Gabiriel, this one didn't pull me in.    Congrats on completing an entry, though.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks phil, cm hall, darren, screenrider for the read.

I attempted many new things in this OWC which I don't regret not using.

SPOILERS!

Three ghost hunters become possessed. A cliche idea, imo. So I decided to tell the whole story "Memento" fashion but simply going backwards.

So, the fact that we started at the end, how was I going to convey they were already possessed? I thought the double names would help since there was going to be a transition from non-possession to possession.  

I wanted to also break ground by writing what the characters thought. I'm aware that you are allowed a little bit of leeway in scripts but I said damn that. lol. I found my script to be bland without them.

Nevertheless, I will take all of this under consideration when I do the rewrite.

Hey, screenrider how did it not pull you in? Character development? Structure?

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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screenrider
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Hey, screenrider how did it not pull you in? Character development? Structure?


All the above.  

Honestly though, this was one of the first scripts I read upon waking up this morning.  That played a big part.  Another cup of coffee and I might've loved it.

I'll give it another read down the line.
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greg
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 1:45am Report to Moderator
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Gabe,

I honestly didn't get this until I read your post.  Halfway through I thought they may be possessed, hence the double names, but this just read to me like a couple of people running around a house.  Part of the issue was the style you wrote in, as it seems like you're having a conversation with yourself in the descriptions.  All the questions marks and emotions and stuff.  A few is okay, but this seriously read to me as if it were a monologue going on in your head, and in turn I felt very deferred from the actual story.

Sorry I can't really say many positive things, but I had a tough time with this.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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Ryan1
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 2:27am Report to Moderator
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Gabe,

Sorry to say I found this as confusing as the rest.  After your post, I think I understand what you were shooting for with the character/name thing.  But, I just don't think it worked. I tried reading it backwards, and it was better.  So, I don't think the reverse chronology thing works that well in horror, at least not in this case.  It "backfired" so to speak.

Since no one else has asked.  What is up with that title?  What does it mean?
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Baltis.
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 2:42am Report to Moderator
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The formatting here is a little off... Not the whole thing, largley it was well written and evenly paced.  I just had trouble getting over the / littered here and there.  You do it in between characters a lot and I don't quite grasp its meaning or functional use.  Maybe it's a new formatting thing I'm unaware of just yet, but I'm usually up to date on what is and isn't acceptable in screen-writing.

Other than that I hate coming in and commenting after Phil and some of these other guys because they make other post seem redundant.  In turn it makes it harder for me to come in here and tell you something they haven't already told you.  

I think, if there is one thing I can touch on they haven't yet; is far too often I seen you start a sentence with HE instead of their name.  You can do this, don't get me wrong... But it's always better to change it up with their name too.  

I was so confused when starting the script and then realized it was actually showing us reversed glimpses.  It's a clever idea, maybe just not laid out well enough.  Maybe you can't within 10 pages.  I think that is a very real possibility.

I'm glad to have read it, though.  Proved very interesting.
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mcornetto
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 3:06am Report to Moderator
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Gabe.  I don't say this often and I'm sorry that I have to be the one to say it but that was awful.  

Not only was there a limited, hard to follow story, but you told it backwards - I think.  You have to tell the reader if you're playing with time.  It has to be obvious.   They shouldn't have to discover it halfway through.    

And that formatting/formatting was really annoying.

And there was so much repetition.

You can do better than this.

Here's my notes:

What's with all the name/name stuff?  Really confusing, why are you doing that? Stop it!

Lightning doesn't sound, it flashes.  Thunder sounds.

Why so much detail about the boards?

Are we in a flashback?

More board details, this time upstairs and in the future - we're never going to see that on screen and I doubt an actor is going to be able to act the possibility.

I'm on pg 4 and I'm wondering who they are too?

Ah! Bennet and Angela but the could be lying because there's still slashes.

i think you should have gone all out.  You have HALLWAY/STAIRWAY why not have LIVING ROOM/DINING ROOM and KITCHEN/BREAKFAST NOOK...

Is this going backwards?

Nope. Think it might be perpendicular....

What ever it's doing it seems to keep repeating itself.  Who are you? Lightning sounds, but lightning doesn't sound, thunder does.

You know...I'm going to be really angry with the author if they are playing with time and not telling me.  

Yep.  Think it was reverse.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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Gabriel,

Congrats on completing the one week challenge!
I am sorry to say I also was pretty confused by your story.
I gather from the comments it was being told in reverse.
Perhaps using video time codes would help relay this to your audience?
I was totally lost and the description style and Name/Name format bogged me down.
Three characters to flesh out and develop in ten pages, but six? Ouch.
Action description should be dry, articulate and efficient.
Here it clogs up the page, slows me down and keeps me at arm's length from your story.
I think with a format redo and linear time this will greatly improve. Thanks for the read.

Regards,
E.D.


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Greg, Ryan, Baltis, Mcornetto,

I was trying a new writing style which involves writing the characters internal thoughts. I thought it would give my writing a little flavor. lol.

I'm going to work on the structure. The way I saw it in my mind was if I allowed the reader to know this tale was reversed, I would have to put a lot of flashbacks and ruin the punch at the end. I thought it would be scarier to see everything reversed starting off death to how did it come to this.

The title is latin and translates to: Grant them eternal rest, O Lord.

I'm thinking about how to fix the double names. I give the explanation above on why I used that formatting. I just came up with it.

Not sounding like a jerking, what's so confusing about the double names? Is it that there's too many names to handle or is it unusual formatting? Or both or is there a different reason apart from these that I listed on why the double names isn't working? I continue using it consistently to the point where the transition to single names happens. I do this as I explained above to show that three people were possessed and then non-possessed.

I tried to keep everything in the house for budgetary reasons. So, mostly we hear alot of sounds.

Hope this explains a lot and thanks for the read.
Gabe





Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Hey Gabe, congrats on completing an OWC script.

I'm sorry to tell you that it's almost unreadable, really bad, and I have to agree with everything everyone has said before me.

If I hadn't read any of the posts, I'd be asking you what the fuck you were smoking while you were writing this.  It's just literally senseless in almost all regards.

Your prose is very confusingly written, and I'm not even talking about the fact that things are running completely out of order.

The dialogue is really, really bad to the point where if I didn't know better, I'd bet it was a pisser going on here.

Hey, listen...I appreciate the fact that you wanted to take a chance and try something new.  I really do.  An OWC may even be a good place to try such a feat.  But then again, anytime you try something new, you should really take your time, think it all out, work out the issues, etc.  You know?

So, I'll just put this down as an experiment that went horribly wrong, kind of on the level of Dr. Stein cloning himself and then being killed by the clone he created.

If I were you, I'd concentrate on writing a regular, fluid story, and fixing up your grammar and sentence structure.

Take care, bud.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 11:05am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Jeff

I'm afraid I'm going to have to do that. linear storyline, I'm going to work on this more.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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