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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  Widow's Walk - OWC
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  Author    Widow's Walk - OWC  (currently 4522 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Widow's Walk by Brett Martin (electric dreamer) - Short, Horror - A mother has just one night to confront the demons of her past and save her son. - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
SimplyScripts  -  November 6th, 2010, 6:13am
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stevie
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Brett!?  I didn't know that was your real name!

Um, wow, this had a great buildup, the descriptions very good, invoking a real salty feel about it, of shipwrecks and ghosts and stuff.
But when the mysterious figure appeared, it all happened pretty fast and I sort of lost the thread a bit.
For a moment I thought the bulkhead in the cellar was the reamains of a ship wedged fast - the clipper from the painting?

Yeah, I might to re-read this cos I ended up a bit lost on it. Nice writing though, set th escene very well.
One thing: in the first scene, you have 11 words starting with W? Maybe not a big deal to others, but i noticed it straight away. If read out loud, this could make it sound...odd. Luckily, the wheel chair didn't appear till the second scene!

Nice effort

stevie


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screenrider
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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Brett,

I had a really hard time following this one.  I've read so many of these damned scripts I can't even think straight anymore.   Sorry.  I owe you a read.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 10:30pm Report to Moderator
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It  is an interesting read. Moody, and then come the ACTION! and it had some nice effect!
I wondered where you were going with this, wondered, wondered some more, then I was just..."wandering". Case to be made: check out ps 7-8. I know there are some folks who are not fans of "stacking" but it's perfectly legal. That's what needs to done here in my view. Stacking works well for suspense purposes. It feels like you combined the short sentences on one line and it read awkward to me.

Like this:

The flame burns.

The figure rises up through the hatch.

Mother closes the glass pane.

The glow strengthens.

The shadowy shape levels the cutlass to strike her down.


This is an interesting one. Didn't really grab me, but it's nice.
BTW, you get a brownie point for a ghost that bleeds seawater.

Cheers
DjS




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khamanna
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 12:29am Report to Moderator
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P1 - The clothing and the scenery is much too detailed - I'll be waiting to see if it's to foreshadow something.

Mother wears a white frock and a black dress. I thought "frock" means dress. Maybe it means something else too but the first thing that come to mind "dress".

"Germanic" - It's correct but I think "German" would be better choice, most of us use "German".

At first I was very much confused who "the man" was on the picture. At first I thought it was "the father". Then understood it's the son. Why don't you state so, you say that the son is "moonfaced", having "the man" "moonfaced" too would clear it up.

p2 - You parenthesize a bit excessively I think. Which would be okay but your piece is complicated as it is and I would keep the narrative as simple as possible because it's already complicated.

p3 "a candle goes dark. Seven burn" - I may be slow but I don't understand "seven burn".

I'll give it another read again, it's late and I don't want fatigue stand on a way.

It's atmospheric so far but I'd keep the narrative simple.
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jwent6688
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, see you've only had four reads. Yet, you seem to have read most.

I thought this was a bit over-written. Very action heavy. Some of it repetitive, on purpose I'm sure. You had a great idea for tension. This must be finished by the time the last candle burns out. I just didn't feel it because I wasn't quite sure what was going on.

This script needs a better lead in. Let us know what the old man is trying to do at the front. Then we'll cheer for him, as we watch the clock tick. Building tension. You could put people at the edge of your seat. Since I didn't know, the great idea of the candles was lost on me.

As far as to why his mother's spirit is so tormented by his father, at least what I got from it, I'm at a loss. Could use more explanation with some pages now that OWC is over.

Overall, just okay for me. Was very action heavy. That made it a slow paced read and some of your description were a bit hard to visualize.

It fit the requirements and was written in a week. So, Good job.

James


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jwent6688
Wow, see you've only had four reads. Yet, you seem to have read most.
This script needs a better lead in. Let us know what the old man is trying to do at the front. Then we'll cheer for him, as we watch the clock tick. Building tension. You could put people at the edge of your seat. Since I didn't know, the great idea of the candles was lost on me.


James,

Thanks for the read. I appreciate you taking the time.
I've read 30+ OWC scripts so far and got three read backs. Meh.
It's a bit discouraging but I'll hang in there.
I know I've only been here six weeks, but I read two scripts a day, mostly features.
I'm trying to establish a presence here so people will read my stuff in return.

You are right, this was ambitious, but rushed.
An unexpected hosue guest totally threw off my writing schedule.
Still, its no excuse for not getting back in there and reworking the story.
Thanks lots for the constructive criticism.

Regards,
E.D.


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jwent6688
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Thanks for the read. I appreciate you taking the time.
I've read 30+ OWC scripts so far and got three read backs. Meh.
It's a bit discouraging but I'll hang in there.


Most OWC's are anonymous. Guess since your a newbie, kinda, that would've gotten you more reads. Yours only has 89 views at this point. Phil (Doggelbe) 756, he's been here since the beginning of time. Me, 340, been here two years. If reads is what you want, just keep at it.

James



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c m hall
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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Although I like the story very much,  I think the descriptions slow down the story too much -- and excessive use of exclamation points always makes me think I'm reading a comic book.

Without all of the padding of descriptive language I think your story would shine and enchant the audience.  
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Coding Herman
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett, I feel sorry that you only have 7 reads. So here's mine.

The beginning was very atmospheric and almost surreal. But once I hit page 5, I had a very hard time following what's going on in the cellar. And then on page 6, which those huge amount of black text, I just skimmed through it since I probably wouldn't get it either.

I think the major problem is your writing, well too descriptive. Try shorter, snappier words.

I also didn't understand the story. Was the Man possessed by the Mother's son?

I think there is a good story here, but a simpler execution and narrative would be better. Sorry if I couldn't be of more help.


Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Scoob
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Brett,

Must say I enjoyed the whole script. Such great descriptions. Fog-like creepy atmosphere. Turned into a real page turner.
I thought the story worked fine, I liked the look of the structure you used and how you write. Perfect use of the stormy night theme.
Definitely one of my favorites from what I've read so far.

Great job

Malc



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Angry Bear
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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Brett,

I actually read this before you stated how many reads you had received. I have seen you reading a lot around here including the 7WC scripts which are difficult since they are not only features, but pretty close to first drafts as well. I absolutely wanted to pay you back.

I've had construction workers at my house for the last week so I've been sort of scatterbrained. I read a lot, but get interupted a lot and don't take notes. Please forgive me.

In regards to your story, my first impression was that I liked it. I liked the atmosphere that you created and the story itself. I do have some suggestions however. You are way too descriptive IMHO. I can't remember the exact words right now, but I think you understand what I mean from this sample. You describe the lantern as having a feeble light and then shortly there after it has a weak (or such) light. That is telling us the same thing about the lantern. There's no need to describe things over and over unless there is a change. Work on your descriptions some. They are good, just too wordy. I did get the feel for the place, but the descriptions slowed down the pace.

You also describe the Man at some point as being unconcious. I think it would work better if he's just asleep or just not moving. Unconcious is more of a trauma or medical issue and IMO doesn't work with how he seems fine in the end.

I made this same comment about one of these other OWC scripts and that is that I think we need to know why he is in this house to begin with. Why would a Man in an old wheelchair be here on this particular night? You might think I'm stupid for not getting that from the story, but to me, it seems the Man would be safer if he had stayed home. I don't think this is is home, right?...

Kudos for having a fire station/stripper pole in your script!!  

You did good. Just need to sharpen and tighten a bit here and there.  


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greg
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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Brett,

There's some interesting ideas in here and some good imagery but my main issue is that this is very overwritten.  It's moody and atmospheric, but not the easiest to read with extensive descriptions and light dialogue.  Say what needs to be said to describe the scene by the simplest means and then continue on.  The dialogue when it was there wasn't bad.  I will give you props on completing this and for illustrating some good ideas in here, so I think a rewrite where you cut down on some of those descriptions can do you wonders.

Nice job.

Greg


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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This script, while good, does suffers from the large amounts of detail. It's a good idea and I like the candle thing, but there were a couple times where you almost lost me, plot-wise. It had some good ideas and the exclamation points didn't bother me like they bothered other people, but I prefer for a picture to not be drawn for me. There's alot of people who think the exact opposite so try and please them, more, but you do have something good here. =)


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grademan
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 11:28am Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett!

Nice creepy atmosphere here
Overly rich descriptions.
Hard to follow towards the end
No REASON to CAP everything
No reason to use (so many) exclamation marks in narrative!

FINE effort for your first OWC.

Gary
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