Love Never Dies :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Dont think you need the logline on the title page.

Looks at him without words for a moment, but it seems like a minute?  get rid of seems like a minute.

If look could kill.  He'd be dead.       Shouldnt be two sentences.  And is a pretty cliche phrase.  This whole paragraph he is overwritten and kinda unoriginal at the same time.

And after a lot of boring talk... you have a solid paragraph of unfilmable stuff talking about their past.  Then a two page monologue from the narrator.  What are we seeing on screen at this point.  How could you think this would be interesting to someone watching?

Then you have what I think is a new title, though its not formatted like anything.  And some camera directions thrown in for the fun of it.  All nonos.

And I skimmed the rest.  This was pretty horrible, I'll try to be useful...
First off the idea is way to simplistic.  The wonderful awesome guy who's all about God etc etc trying to save is childhood sweetheart cuz shes a junky slut...  really?
I find both the characters pretty obnoxious and uninteresting at the same time.  It just reads like some desperate rescue fantasy.

Then the execution is equally bad.  Plenty of formatting errors and typos, etc.  But the worst is the unfilmables, long blocks that tell us about the past.  Also you tell alot of the story as "she would fall down, he would hit the dude with a bottle"  Scripts are always in the present.  "She falls down.  He hits the dude with the bottle."

Then you have a narrator going on for pages and pages.  WTF?  I'm not one of the guys that's opposed to a narrator or V/o every no and then.  But in this it is one hundred percent laziness as you just fill in the story with the narrator.

Just because you're writing about something like drug addiction or god doesn't automatically make your script deep.  Get a real story, then real characters, then a splash of formatting, and keep trying.

Good luck with it.