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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Great Spirit Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 13th, 2010, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Great Spirit by Matias Caruso (mr. z) - Short, Thriller - A family's shaky truce with the demon inhabiting their home is put to the test by the demon's latest demand: A human sacrifice.  6 pages First Place - Moviepoet September Contest - pdf, format


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jayrex
Posted: November 13th, 2010, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Matias,

I thought this was a good read, and congrats on first place.

I would question the business cards, but if filmed would be a good look although unrealistic to have cards made that quickly.

And even though the ending was very much different from what I expected, it was still good.   I think if you had placed this script a few years back and then the symbols could be for The Lehman Brothers or Microsoft, depending on how you wanted Zarek to look after Dan.  As of right now, I'm not sure if Zarek is setting Dan up for a fall or a financial gain.

All the best,


Javier


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Craiger6
Posted: November 13th, 2010, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mr. Z.,

Ha, this was a nice, quick read.  You certainly packed a good story into 6 pages.  Congrats on the win.

There was a lot to like about this one, but I really enjoyed how you started this one with the family praying to the cross, and then we find out that it is upside down.  Well done.  I also like the edning and how you played against type.

Anyway, thanks for the read, dude.

CR


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Mr.Z
Posted: November 14th, 2010, 12:54am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading, Javier and Craiger. Glad you enjoyed it, guys.

I might have to rethink those business cards, hmm. Damn logic.  


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grademan
Posted: November 14th, 2010, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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Mr. Z.

Cool story. I liked how the father benefited from being The Oracle. It only increases his reliance on Zarek (or is that Mr. Zarek?) for future favors. I saw this in B&W much  like Leave It to Beaver.

I got the feeling that the father had prior discussion with Z to sacrifice the guy with the ultimate Z knowledge as a trade for a great job.

As always, your word choice is flawless and your use of white space is excellent, Your material never feels like it's crowded.

As for the business cards, they go to show how confident he is in Zarek, Besides, they'd want their best guy to have a card - they take a seconds to print out nowadays.

Gary
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Split Second
Posted: November 14th, 2010, 10:20am Report to Moderator
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This was a fun, quick read. Reading through the comments, the fact that he had a business card didn't really seem out of place to me. I thought it was a more fun way to show that he's got a job.

Nice ending. Fun little twist.

This flowed really well. No real criticism for me to give, because I thought it worked really well.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 14th, 2010, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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Mr. Z

This reads very well and it moves like quicksilver.
I didn't care for how the family was described.
It's very stylized, so I suspect it will polarize readers into different camps
I kept waiting for Meg to be a troublemaker, she just cracks wise at the table.
I kept waiting for Sheila to be the brains of the family, but Dan seemed to be that.
Personally, I don't care for descriptions that pigeon hole characters.
I like the business cards, tells me Dan is a prepared individual, pro active.
That's how I prefer to learn about characters, not through catchy description.
I do wonder how Dan made the predictions that got him the job.
Has Dan made human sacrifices before? Inquiring minds want to know.
All of the above are minor quibbles. This is an excellent short script.
Your opening shot sets the "not everything is as it seems" tone very well.
Congrats on the prize and keep writing! Look forward to more.

Regards,
E.D.


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Mr. Ripley
Posted: November 14th, 2010, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mr. Z

Interesting short here.

I didn't like how you introduced the family praying to the cross. You do a lot of tell. I think it could be done better visually, but this is coming from a guy who makes stories confusing so I guess the scene's done best.  

This part confuses me:

MEG
Whatís this? A dictatorship?
SHEILA
No, itís a democracy. Who wants
vegetables?
Sheila and Dan raise their hands.

What were you trying to get at?

other than that, good story.

Gabe



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Mr.Z
Posted: November 14th, 2010, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your time, guys. Appreciate the reads.

@Electric Dreamer: This was Dan's first sacrifice. He made the predictions that got him the job thanks to Zarek's trading tips (he made a personal deal with Zarek behind the rest of the family's back).

@Gabe: The part you quoted was a lame attempt I made at being funny.  

Meg compares Sheila's control of the family's menu to a dictatorship. To prove her wrong, Sheila proposes a vote and Meg loses two to one. (hence proving that the majority wanted to eat vegetables).


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Mr. Ripley
Posted: November 14th, 2010, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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I get it now. Disregard that comment.



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DesNnochiri
Posted: November 15th, 2010, 8:48am Report to Moderator
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First of all, congratulations on your contest win.

I don't have any constructive criticism for you, so I'm just going to praise this.

Nice family sketch, sparky dialogue, and a cool concept.

I think you're right not to have compromised on the ending; Zarek's too useful a being to let go so easily.

Nasty. But nice.

Des
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Mr.Z
Posted: November 16th, 2010, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Des, glad you liked the ending despite being so dark.


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colkurtz8
Posted: November 23rd, 2010, 7:55am Report to Moderator
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You check out mine, I'll check out yours.

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Matias

You pretty much have a perfect record for me, I always enjoy your 5 pagers when the trickle down to SS after invariably winning Movie Poet. This was no different, great little story, successfully mixing comedy with horror akin to something Chan Wook Park would play around with.

I loved the sudden twist of them knocking out Mr. Sedwick followed by the matter-of-fact, unfazed tone he takes on upon regaining consciousness when narrowing down the spiritís possible identity even more, an inspired moment of levity.

As always, very clean writing too.

Great work.

Col.


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Mr.Z
Posted: November 24th, 2010, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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Thank you, Col. Glad you dig it.  


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