Knock (first draft) by Beato R. Bongco (RobbCogaEton) - Short, Horror - A man haunted by the ghosts of his past seeks redemption when an old folktale becomes a reality for him. 5 pages - pdf, format


Knock by Beato R. Bongco (RobbCogaEton) - Short, Horror - A man haunted by the ghosts of his past seeks redemption when an old folktale becomes a reality for him. 16 pages - pdf, format

I think you mean "expressed" on your title page

I'm an asshole. So take my comments with a grain of salt. This story has potential. It's very over-written in some parts. Your slugs are confusing too. Need to be more identified.

The story about the three hoods who have their own rules they most follow is the highlight of this for me. Yet, your story really has no ending. Major gripe of mine. Even if you just write a short it should have an ending.

Overall, I enjoyed it. Was intrigued by it. Guess that's why the ending was such a let down for me...

James

That log-line is atrocious.  It's beyond bad and I don't think I can even fix it.

1 - Your title page is messy

2 - Your log line takes the very 1st line of your script to a T.  That's pretty sloppy.  Almost lazy.  I'll help you with a log line in a min, though.

3 - You need to take out the whole latent bit and glow crap.  Doesn't jive, gel or even remotely have a need in there.  We get what a lantern does and how it shines and glows just buy saying "He CARRIES A LANTERN".  This isn't a novel or a bestseller.  It's a screenplay, and that level of detail is unwarranted.

4 - You don't convey just who these robbed figures are.  They have no personalties or distinctions other than one carries a lantern and one's tall, but not taller than the others.  You need more personality in these guys.

5 - I hate the amateurish nature of scripts written on Celtix, by the way.  Disable, if you can, those offensive looking (Continued) at the tops and bottoms of your pages.

6 -On page 2, you got a miss with your characters.  You said on page 1 they were of equal height, now they're all of different height.  You really need to be consistent with writing.  Don't write what's convenient, write what's concrete.

7 - & speaking of convenient ---> The rules of the figures are just way too convenient for this house they went to.  It's almost as if they picked the hardest house possible to enter (per their rules).  The cross on the door -- The broken down door -- C'mon... This house goes against everything these people can't do.  Wouldn't you think they'd just move on to the next house?

--

The story isn't bad.  Well, the general story.  The DNA of the story isn't bad, let's put it that way.  The figures need more personality and diversion to them.  The guy is seemingly talking to himself in thought, which is pretty lame... Again, it makes things too convenient and almost has an impeccable timing to it all.  Like,  how would he be talking about this while it's happening?  It's almost as if he was as supernatural as they were.  

So, yeah, lots of holes in this one but an otherwise good premise.  You just need to toss the clichéd, cheesy shit and go with what works.  Your whole lore and rules things can work, but not like you've got it.  It just comes off like a movie you'd see streamed over netflix on 16mm film.

Log Line: A man evaluates his misguided life against an old legend that hauntingly becomes a reality for him.

Quoted from jwent6688 I think you mean "expressed" on your title page I'm an asshole. So take my comments with a grain of salt. This story has potential. It's very over-written in some parts. Your slugs are confusing too. Need to be more identified. The story about the three hoods who have their own rules they most follow is the highlight of this for me. Yet, your story really has no ending. Major gripe of mine. Even if you just write a short it should have an ending. Overall, I enjoyed it. Was intrigued by it. Guess that's why the ending was such a let down for me... James

Will triple check my grammar next time. Thanks for pointing that out.
I have a few questions though:
1. How do I write it just right? I mean not "over write" it?
2. What are slugs? And how do I make them more identified?

**SPOILER ALERT**
About the ending: One of the rules that the monsters must follow is that when they knock on the door of a house someone inside MUST die. My main character killed himself before the creature could knock so the other two monsters would be forced to kill one of their own. (Only one of the creatures, the short one, was inside the house at the time it knocked. The other two were busy scratching the big white cross outside.) He could not kill them on his own as no mortal can kill them, so the whole story is basically him coming up with a plan of killing them, and that plan coming to fruition. I wanted it to be sort of like "the hunter becomes the hunted", but to only reveal the twist in the end.

I don't think I put this very clearly in the script. How do I make this more evident?

**END OF SPOILER**

I don't think you're an asshole. These are the kind of points I really want to be raised. Positive feedback is nice, but I cannot improve without negative feedback. Thank you very much.

Quoted from Baltis- That log-line is atrocious.  It's beyond bad and I don't think I can even fix it. 1 - Your title page is messy 2 - Your log line takes the very 1st line of your script to a T.  That's pretty sloppy.  Almost lazy.  I'll help you with a log line in a min, though. 3 - You need to take out the whole latent bit and glow cr**.  Doesn't jive, gel or even remotely have a need in there.  We get what a lantern does and how it shines and glows just buy saying "He CARRIES A LANTERN".  This isn't a novel or a bestseller.  It's a screenplay, and that level of detail is unwarranted. 4 - You don't convey just who these robbed figures are.  They have no personalties or distinctions other than one carries a lantern and one's tall, but not taller than the others.  You need more personality in these guys. 5 - I hate the amateurish nature of scripts written on Celtix, by the way.  Disable, if you can, those offensive looking (Continued) at the tops and bottoms of your pages. 6 -On page 2, you got a miss with your characters.  You said on page 1 they were of equal height, now they're all of different height.  You really need to be consistent with writing.  Don't write what's convenient, write what's concrete. 7 - & speaking of convenient ---> The rules of the figures are just way too convenient for this house they went to.  It's almost as if they picked the hardest house possible to enter (per their rules).  The cross on the door -- The broken down door -- C'mon... This house goes against everything these people can't do.  Wouldn't you think they'd just move on to the next house? -- The story isn't bad.  Well, the general story.  The DNA of the story isn't bad, let's put it that way.  The figures need more personality and diversion to them.  The guy is seemingly talking to himself in thought, which is pretty lame... Again, it makes things too convenient and almost has an impeccable timing to it all.  Like,  how would he be talking about this while it's happening?  It's almost as if he was as supernatural as they were.   So, yeah, lots of holes in this one but an otherwise good premise.  You just need to toss the clichéd, cheesy s*** and go with what works.  Your whole lore and rules things can work, but not like you've got it.  It just comes off like a movie you'd see streamed over netflix on 16mm film. Log Line: A man evaluates his misguided life against an old legend that hauntingly becomes a reality for him.

1 - Sorry, it was the default setting of Celtx. I just recently obtained Final Draft 8. You think this would give me better formatting? Or is there a better template I can use?

2 - I've never written a log line in my life. I do have to admit that I was very lazy and was unable to research on the proper way of making one. I was sloppy; I'll write a better one next time.

3 - That's right. I forgot to SHOW AND NOT TELL. Thanks for pointing that out.

4 - According to Philippine mythology they're supposed to be mysterious creatures that come in threes, sort of like they're a single entity. Think of the "fates" in Greek mythology. I tried to design them as well as I could. How would I make them seem more interesting?

5 - Question: When is writing (continued) warranted? Is it safe to assume one should NEVER include them?

6 - Two are of equal height (lantern figure and tall figure) and one is shorter. (the one who goes in the house) I think my choice of words was just wrong.

7 - I wanted to leave as many clues as possible that there is a back story. To put it simply, the house the man was in was not his. I wanted to insinuate that he broke in that house and killed the people inside. He knew the Kumakatok were coming for him so he did his best to prepare. The Kumakatok can't move to the next house until they complete their task.
--

Can you tell me which scenes/lines in my script you found cheesy? So I can fix them and indentify what has been used before or is cliche.

About all that narrating, I thought that it fit the story well. The monsters can't speak and I found no other way to tell the audience about the rules. Adding an extra character would make the plot hard to move along. I wanted to make the audience realize in the end that he was repeating the rules to himself to try to find a way to "escape" his fate of being killed by the creatures. He was trying to find a "loophole", if you will.

Thanks for the log line. I shall try to analyze its form and see if I can come up with one as good as that.

I'm glad you guys found this story interesting. I tried my best to tap into the rich but very poorly portrayed (in cinema) Philippine mythology.

All in all, thank you very much for the feedback. I really appreciate it, and I've learned a lot. I apologize if my questions are long, I only want to learn as much as I can.

I hope you guys can bear with me, this is the first script I've ever written in my entire life. I came to simplyscripts to learn screen writing and it looks like I came to the right place.

P.S.: If I re-write my script, do I post it again or can I just replace the one I uploaded?

1. Is Celtix garbage today?  I dunno, haven't tried it out in 2 years... I'd hate to find out, though.  Last time I used it was the last time I'll ever use it.

2.  Is Final Draft 8 amazing?  Yes!  It's not my preferd software, I love it, but I usually write with Movie Outline.  But I love Final Draft 8 too.

3.  Yes, there are subtle things you can do to set mood and telling us what a lamp does isn't one of them.  We all know what they do. Just the basics, man.

4.  To makes these entites more interesting you can do a number of things, man.  Maybe one is set ablaze with fire.  Another shrouded in a hazy fog.  Another with ice.  These are basic examples, but ones that could work really well if you explore the possibilites.  

5.  Never is continued a good thing at the top or bottom of a page.  EVER! We know, unless there is a FADE OUT and a THE END on the page that we're going to be going to the next one.

6.  Meh, maybe not wrong.  Maybe I just misread it or wasn't using my head clearly enough.  In any event you still need to give each more distinction.  This isn't a video game where the resource engine is hindered by the amount of ram the hardware has allocated to it.  If you catch my drift.

7.  This is where your story is suffering.  Now more than ever because I never caught any of that within the story you wrote.  More so, why didn't he just leave the house if they were coming for him?  I dunno, don't use that angle.  I wouldn't anyways.

--

I didn't find any one thing cheesy, rather the offensive way you intrusively shoved the back story into my face and then gave the entities every obstacle in the world to not get into the house.  It just didn't jive with me.

There are ways to tell your back story and not force it onto us.  If this were a longer piece you gradually let it unfold.  

My log line is just an example.  There would be a better way to convey it but it's the basic structure and path you need to take when writing one.

You can re-sub your script to Don and tell him in the notes what you're doing with it.  He'll see it to it the right draft is posted.

G'luck and I'm glad to help if possible, so don't think I'm being overly critical or just nit picking your script to death.  I've been 100x's worse in my day, believe me.

Good try, I like the story and it has potential. Your format is so, so and somewhat confusing but all in all with some work you may have something here. Title is fine but the openning is kinda cheesey. Try to eliminate the V.O. and have the film tell the story. Stories of this nature are more creepy when the reader makes his own conclusions. Keep at it and listen to your critics they are the one's who are reading it.

Craig

Hey Beato,

I just gave this one a read, and while it could definitely use some refining, like the others, I think it was a pretty cool concept.

You wrote:

**SPOILER ALERT**
About the ending: One of the rules that the monsters must follow is that when they knock on the door of a house someone inside MUST die. My main character killed himself before the creature could knock so the other two monsters would be forced to kill one of their own. (Only one of the creatures, the short one, was inside the house at the time it knocked. The other two were busy scratching the big white cross outside.) He could not kill them on his own as no mortal can kill them, so the whole story is basically him coming up with a plan of killing them, and that plan coming to fruition. I wanted it to be sort of like "the hunter becomes the hunted", but to only reveal the twist in the end.

I'll be honest, I didn't realize this when I read it.  Could be that I just missed it, or maybe not.  Have to see what others think.  That said, I like the concept even more given your description above.  I'd just like to see you tweak this a bit more to make it clearer.

I just recently finished a short that dealt with "Death", and so I'm kind of digging the premise.  I like the fact that you seem to have an open mind about this and that you are willing to take criticism.  Also, it seems that you've done your research, so good for you.  Anyway, not sure I have much to add beyond that, but I wanted to say that I enjoyed your effort.  Best of luck.

Craig  

Judging from the comments, I guess I released this prematurely.

Looking back at this piece, it feels like a moment; a small part of the big picture. I guess it's like a private joke to myself. Reading this yet again I understand that without the inner knowledge what it was all about (man trying to escape his fate) or knowledge of the lore (Philippine mythology) it can be a bit confusing. Plus Baltis- is spot on. I am sort of shoving the back story through the reader's throat. )

There are a lot of holes in the plot and my V.O does seem pretty misplaced. I thank you all for your comments. I'll be completely revamping this thing, maybe even write it from scratch again then I'll resubmit it as a different story completely. With a decent logline, I might add.

@czamboni: Duly noted. Thanks.

@Craiger6: I got the same feedback from most of my friends at school. Great use of lore, but there's a much better way to tell it.
Glad you liked the concept. I'll definitely check out your short. What's it called? I guess I  could learn a thing or two from it. I'm looking forward to reading it.

The mythology here is simply fascinating. It sucked me right in. Loved the mood and the rules of this world.

Quoted from BRBellerophon **SPOILER ALERT** About the ending: One of the rules that the monsters must follow is that when they knock on the door of a house someone inside MUST die. My main character killed himself before the creature could knock so the other two monsters would be forced to kill one of their own. (Only one of the creatures, the short one, was inside the house at the time it knocked. The other two were busy scratching the big white cross outside.) He could not kill them on his own as no mortal can kill them, so the whole story is basically him coming up with a plan of killing them, and that plan coming to fruition. I wanted it to be sort of like "the hunter becomes the hunted", but to only reveal the twist in the end.

After reading this, I get the ending, and I think it's cool. But all of this didn't come across as I read the script, I'm afraid. Perhaps you should give us a glimpse of the creatures turning to each other (as the man repeats in V.O. that when they knock, someone inside the houst must die).

Another thing you could work on, is the main character. You should develop him and his backstory a bit more (and probably give him a name). His plan is quite clever, and while it wows me on an intelectual level, there's isn't much emotional resonance to it. Maybe he's avenging the death of a loved one? I think you need something more to reinforce his motivation to turn the tables on this creatures.

I enjoyed it, though. Nice job.  

Rob, if you're around -- I got an e-mail about your script the other day from a guy wanting to produce it.  He mistakenly thought I wrote it and I didn't have your name or e-mail to give him.  But if he hasn't contacted you I'll send you his e-mail to look over.

Who knows, could lead to a deal.  I sold a script off the site which lead to another sell back in May for some decent money.  This site is very powerful and a fantastic place for the writer willing to learn.

@Mr. Z: Thanks for the review. I'm honored that you found the mythology interesting. I find that our mythos here is underrated. A back story is in the works that will explain everything. Not part of the series though; will probably resubmit the whole thing.

@Baltis-
Thanks for the heads up. PM'd you.

Hey Beato

Beato Jose R. Bongco.  God, that's so much fun to say.  :-)

Anyhow, I took a look through your story.  I don't think it read too much like a straight story.  In fact, to be honest, it read more like a trailer to a movie.  I'm not sure if that was your intention, but that's how it came out.

I wasn't quite sure what you were trying to do with it.  At first, I thought the Man was trying to trick one of the Figures into the house and then kill himself before the others knocked, so that when they did, there'd only be the figure in the house and the figure would have to die.  I thought the man was trying to be a martyr of some sort.

I think definately the story needs to be expanded for it to work.  Maybe not make it seem like somebody just telling a story around a campfire, then maybe it won't come off as so much a trailer then, either.

Just a couple thoughts.

And now that I've went and read your Spoiler Alert, I see that the man was trying to kill one of the hooded figures.  But yet, at the end, the SMALL FIGURE in the house was still moving around AFTER the other two had knocked.

Yeah.  The ending really needs some cleaning up.

All in all, it's not a bad story.  I think Baltis summed it up perfectly...  'The DNA of the story isn't bad.'  That pretty much says everything right there.  You just have to smooth out the bad strokes.

-  Mark

Hey Mark,

Haha. I know my name is quite a mouthful. I have met very few people who can pronounce it right the first time. That's why I created the pseudonym Robb Coga Eton (which is Beato R Bongco rearranged).

Thanks a lot for the review. Looking back, it does seem like a trailer. That's why the rewrite is going to be longer. All the other problems have been addressed in the rewrite of my script, which I have just submitted today. I hope it will be put up soon. I'd be eternally grateful if you could check it out once it's up.

Thanks,
BRB

P.S.: I shall post in this thread again once the EDIT is up. In case I'm not here, you'll know it has been updated if the number of pages is 16. If it is 5, it isn't up yet.

Sorry for the double post, but I just had to BUMP this topic.

Re-write is up. I'm afraid there are a few typographical errors that missed my re-read.

Regardless, enjoy!

If anyone wants to check out the old Knock, it's here: Knock

Comments and criticism about both pieces are welcome.

Now I have no idea about writing scripts. But I did read this and I though it was pretty good man.

Well kind of funny but I started reading all of the comments, and thought, damn they are really laying into him. I didn't realize I read the new one and they were all discussing the old one! I read the old one, the new write is MUCH better.

Nice job. I don't have anything negative to say about it because like I said I don't know anything about writing scripts. If I wrote this I would film it.

Rotach