I Hate Edward Cullen by Adam - Short, Comedy - After his girlfriend breaks up with him because he isn't "Edward enough" for her, Jason discovers the Twilight series and takes an instant disliking to it. He meets the perfect girl and she's surprisingly never heard of Twilight. He needs to make sure it stays that way.  10 pages - pdf, format

Later draft can be found here: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1292389111/

This made  me laugh so hard.

I have to admit, I was a bit put off by the title but I read it anyway. I'm glad I did. One of the funniest shorts I've read while on the site.

I bet every guy of this generation has experienced this one time or another. Very good read, can't find anything wrong with the formatting or anything. Short, to the point and executed very cleanly.

I like the way that Katie mirrors his actions towards the end, albeit with a different reaction. And I love the twist in the end.

Hey Adam,

This was good. Writing was a bit stiff in places. For example, " Let me tell you why. It’s because I fucking hate him". And this "His expression is of boredom." But I liked the way you told the story. It was a chuckler followed by a groan. Much like an overacted SNL skit.

Work on losing the "is" , "it" and "and" to speed up the read.

Good use of short descripitions and dialogue. The slugs were unusual "AND THE DAY AFTER THAT" but worked.

Gary

I liked it.

The beginning of it could be shortened up to the moment he meets Katie. Then I think you could get rid of montage and show her seeing all the books and Twilight videos at his place. --just a suggestion. I just thought that montage spoiled the pace.

The ending was funny. Very nice work, I think.

Thanks for the input advice, guys I appreciate it. I'm also glad you liked it. This is the very first draft. I rewrote it http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1292389111/s-0/#num4
It's now called Live Free or Twihard and I'm currently filming it.

To be honest, I liked the name and the idea, but it wasn't really funny. The montages where he reads the books and she reads the books...it interrupts the pace and makes it boring.

The scenes where he watches the films delivers a laugh or two though.

I thought the ending was predictable.

The formatting is good though, I don't see any problems with the formatting, just the story.

Cute story -- Luckily my wife hates Twilight and we've never seen any of them... We aim to keep it that way... For my daughter's sake. (16 months old now).

Anyways

A) You should double space after your periods.

B) You need to have a FADE IN: and a FADE OUT:  

C) You need a THE END, centered in the middle of the page -- A dialogue cue is usually what some people tend to do when they don't know how to use their screenwriting software properly though.

Other than that and one instances where you got sloppy and gave too much information without breaking it up --> Not bad.  

Here's the movie guys, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcPXNx85fRs

ill start this off by saying that i did not read either of your scripts. you posted this 6 months ago and return now simply to post your vid. however, in those six months, you have not read any other members' script. you have only posted four times and i can count each time you posted (all within your own threads). shame on you sir.

HOWEVER, based on everyone's comments, i decided to give this one a look. unfortunately any humor that was in the script, has been lost in the transition from paper to film.

for starters, you need to fix your audio levels. the VO's almost made my ears bleed.

for the love of god, invest in a tripod. nothing says amateur like unnecessary shaky camera angles. this leads me to believe that you are either A) poor or B) lazy. then again a rock is free and provides plenty of stability. so i guess you're just the latter.

for some reason the british accents actually made this more annoying. and the girls? lets just say that i wont be attending my cousin's wedding in england this fall for the bridesmaids. why is it that when i think "british chicks" i picture lucy pinder, but when i actually see a chick from britain she looks like mr bean with split ends?

sorry i couldnt be more positive on this one. just wasnt funny. you simply echoed annoyances that guys already experience and can relate to first hand. every guy knows what blue balls feels like. that doesnt mean you should film a red rose tea bagging a nutcracker.

oh and take out the camera stills. what are we filming? an 80's music video?

good luck next time greengrass.

I remember reading this script. I enjoyed it for what it was, but I completely envisioned it quite different on film. I commend you for picking up the camera yourself. Too many writers just post scripts here hoping for someone to film them.

That being said, the production is very amateur. To echo Will, very shakey camera work when it doesn't need to be. Audio is all over the place. Their dialogue echos off the hard walls so much, I missed much of what they said.

I also thought you drew out some of the scenes too long. I found it hard to sit through this ten minutes of film. I was bored. Much of the punch of the script seemed to be lost on timing your lines. I'm sure that was much due to editing, but comedy is all about timing.

Congrats on getting out there though! I plan to try my own hand at some film this year. You can come back and bash mine if you don't like it... Or wait. You don't comment on other peoples work. Its not a requirement Adam, just couth.

James

Kind of kooky and over the top, but hey some folks like that.

Congrats on your work.

Cindy

Just to defend the good old British accent. I believe these people are South African not British.  
Not that there's anything wrong with South African accent, it's a great accent.

Anyways, did try to take a look at this, found it really hard to get through, think the scenes were just too drawn out, it all felt very long and static.  Congrats on getting a film done tho.

Quoted from albinopenguin for some reason the british accents actually made this more annoying. and the girls? lets just say that i wont be attending my cousin's wedding in england this fall for the bridesmaids. why is it that when i think "british chicks" i picture lucy pinder, but when i actually see a chick from britain she looks like mr bean with split ends?

Nice...also, it's so absurdly clear that this lot aren't British. So nice ears there, too.

Anything else?

Quoted from albinopenguin ill start this off by saying that i did not read either of your scripts. you posted this 6 months ago and return now simply to post your vid. however, in those six months, you have not read any other members' script. you have only posted four times and i can count each time you posted (all within your own threads). shame on you sir. HOWEVER, based on everyone's comments, i decided to give this one a look. unfortunately any humor that was in the script, has been lost in the transition from paper to film. for starters, you need to fix your audio levels. the VO's almost made my ears bleed. for the love of god, invest in a tripod. nothing says amateur like unnecessary shaky camera angles. this leads me to believe that you are either A) poor or B) lazy. then again a rock is free and provides plenty of stability. so i guess you're just the latter. for some reason the british accents actually made this more annoying. and the girls? lets just say that i wont be attending my cousin's wedding in england this fall for the bridesmaids. why is it that when i think "british chicks" i picture lucy pinder, but when i actually see a chick from britain she looks like mr bean with split ends? sorry i couldnt be more positive on this one. just wasnt funny. you simply echoed annoyances that guys already experience and can relate to first hand. every guy knows what blue balls feels like. that doesnt mean you should film a red rose tea bagging a nutcracker. oh and take out the camera stills. what are we filming? an 80's music video? good luck next time greengrass.

Come on albino, that feedback is peppered with animosity. The accents, aren't British and to say all British girls are ugly . . . is a bit uncalled for. The Bell curve shows that most people are 'average' in any distribution you care to sample be it looks or whatever.

for christ's sakes guys, lighten up. okay the south african thing? ya got me there (then again it's a common mistake due to the fact that south africa was a part of the british empire). so my apologies to wickus. truth be told, i could honestly care less given the fluctuating audio levels. its hard to distinguish accents when everyone talks like a driver thru worker at jack in the box.

if this member was a regular poster, then my tone would be completely different. but i willingly sat through 10 minutes of this shit hoping that it would redeem itself at some point. but it didnt. and when the credits rolled, i was pissed. the quality of this video is so piss poor. and im not blaming the actual camera that was employed but rather the cinematographer and the editor. i made better films in my freshman year of high school. the filmmaker here is simply lazy. if he cared about his film (and his audience), he'd at least try to make a legitimate effort.

ill defend my statement about british chicks looking rough. my family comes from England and i've always been super proud of my heritage. but their women? yeesh...