Vlad by LT (webbwayne) - Short - Alice wants to date the hot vampires from her popular book. She finally has the chance to date a real vampire. Will her dream finally come true? 12 pages - pdf, format

I liked it. Thought some of the delivery could've been better. You have a good deal of formatting issues. I love a good Twilight bash. The banter between chad and vlad was the highlight for me.

Not to pump me own script, want a serious bash of Twilight? Check out "So Pretty" in my signature.

good work. If you guys are around, I'll speak my piece about the format. Other then that, I definitely got a chuckle from this. Good work.

James

Oh yeah, I'm around. I'm glad they finally posted it. Tell me what's up with the format? I'd originally planned to film this, so I didn't look too much into formatting, still, that's no excuse lol.

Levi and Lance,

Since you're filming this yourself, format it anyway you want. I'm just saying as a script it has problems. First, it's overwritten...

"Alice quickly checks herself in a nearby mirror in her room
before leaving for the door." - why not just "Alice checks herself in the mirror."

I don't get the double dashes in your slugs. Should just be one.

The use of the word "Camera" is frowned upon in spec scripts. again, if you're shooting this yourself, it does not matter.

The CONTINUED: at the tops and bottoms of your pages take up unecessary space. Check your software. Should be something to turn this off if you aren't doing it yourself.

VLAD
I saw your door open and just flew
for it. (stretching back) I’m going
to feel that in the morning. What a
way to start off a date huh? - wrylies, parentheticals, should stand alone on a line. Not in middle of dialogue. They have a different set of margins.

VLAD
Ah GEEZ! It wasn’t terminal was it? - since I'm re-reading this, I just wanted to commend you on that line. Hilarious.

VLAD
Good gracious what are you trying
to bankrupt me! HAHA I kid but
seriously pick something else I
don’t got that kinda money on me.

Should be more like...

VLAD
Good gracious! What? Are you trying
to bankrupt me? Ha ha. I kid, but seriously,
pick something else. I don't got that
kinda money one me.

Your lack of commas and periods make it read funny.

VLAD
(TO WAITER)
Women...Always ordering salad. - your wrylies don't need to be CAPPED.

VLAD
Hey CHAD... Just on a date. ALICE
this is CHAD.. He’s my werewolf
twin. - Only CAP their names when you first intro them in an action sentence. Not dialogue.

ALICE
(cont.)
Listen I’m very confused right now.
Have you ever read Twilight? - (cont.)?? in a wrylie???

Basically your writing is chock full of typos. It's inconsistent. That was what I was trying to get across. Other then that, there's definitely some character in here. I would like to see it on film. Again, write a script anyway you want if you're going to film it. That's up to you. Hope this helped some.

James

I pretty much the same feeling as jwent6688. It had some format errors but the characters were pretty funny and who doesn't like a good twilight bash.

Just my luck that if I did become a vampire, I'd become one like Vlad.

You know, Vlad himself is a very funny character. Perhaps instead of writing a script about Alice, write a script about him. The more I read this the more interested I became in seeing things reversed, instead of the Twilight Fan with a real, but socially awkward Vampire, how about a Real but Socially Awkward Vampire dealing with Twilight style vampires? Or Vlad going to a "Vampire" meeting and finding it full of obnoxious teenage Vamp kids.


The only issue I take with it, however, is the ending. I'm not getting how this date has made her decide the books were poorly written. If your crazy enough to date an alleged vampire off of Craigslist, I don't think a bad experience is going to change your opinion about a book. Perhaps something different, like her looking at the book with a bit of doubt?