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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  The Missing Dinner Guests Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 14th, 2010, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Missing Dinner Guests by Benjamin Gilton - Horror - A young couple, lost on a woodsy trail, comes across a quaint, isolated “gingerbread” cabin.  From the inviting smoke out the chimney, something warm and yummy is cooking.  Little do the lost wanderers realize, once they knock on that door, they will be the next ones cooking.   81 pages - pdf, format


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Dreamscale
Posted: December 15th, 2010, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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First of all, your logline seems to give your story completely away, but maybe it's just me.

Some may really enjoy your writing style, here, Benjamin, but I'm not going to be one of those.  I stopped at page 3, as I couldn't take it any longer.

"BLASTO", "WE SEE", "coming right at us", and many, many other things of this nature made this an impossible read for me.

Again, I bet there will be those who love this.  It will be interesting to see.

Good luck with this.
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n7
Posted: December 16th, 2010, 3:08am Report to Moderator
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I'm going to refrain from putting a full review up because I'm not sure that Benjamin will read or respond to it. That being said, I think this shows enormous potential, like Jeff basically said/implied, there are a lot of problems with this that I tried to overlook, but despite the problems this is a sure page turner, which is rare. Even though the material isn't what I usually go for.
Many of the descriptions may be "too cute" for their own good, but it wasn't exactly the story that kept me interested, but the way it was told. You've got a way of getting the point of each scene across in an effective way even if though you take a different path to get there.
Anyways, I'd be happy to leave a full review if the author is around and looking to read and comment on other scripts here besides his own.
Nate

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n7  -  December 16th, 2010, 3:24am
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drnoblet
Posted: December 20th, 2010, 8:21am Report to Moderator
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Hey purple, like you I'm going to refrain from a full review too.

To me the script reads a bit like a treatment with all it's commentaries on the characters, events and locations. Some of it is quite funny:


Quoted Text
he’d been COOKING a madman’s feast, till - that is,
the main course attempted to escape.


Problem is... in the script itself these things are not required and lead to distraction (in my own junior opinion). Maybe the style just sort of rubs me up the wrong way. It is very confident and if I may dare to say it, "in your face".

Whilst I do have gripes about some of the formating, dialogue, camera shots and all the "WE's' I won't start on them.

Benjamin, if you want me to really give you a full-on review PM me and I'll do it - "For what it's worth"... sorry I had to get that in. (Cape Code, pg.5)

One thing though. I do like the movie theater scene.


Sadie : Sadie's life descends into a murderous hell. She's still not sure she did anything wrong.
Dee Dee : When desperate love destroys her life, only friendship can save her. Or can it?

Read about Kaden Brown's books

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gilton6
Posted: January 6th, 2011, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you y'all for your messages ... I do want to get more in-depth feedback if you have it ... peace, Benjamin
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 11:49pm Report to Moderator
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I don't know if you're still around, but there's a number of things in the script that stick out right away. I have to agree with some things said already.


Quoted Text
She blushes - indeed she knows what he means, but her
relationship is... Well it’s just complicated, okay.



Quoted Text
Likely framing up the final victim of the day’s massacre,
However...
Q: "Why didn't he kill me?"

EXT. JOBSITE - EARLIER
Now that we’re outside, we see that we are on Cape Cod, for
what it’s worth. (shows the travel they have ahead of them.)



Aside from bad SLUGS (and as "earlier" suggests,a flashback written incorrectly) for some reason, you seems heck-bent at making side comments to the readers, taking them out over and over again.

I was about to do a detailed. full walk through but :


Quoted Text
Buddy goes for his pack of Marlboro Reds, opens and sees - WE
ALL SEE - just ONE CIGARETTE left. This is a crucial
moment. What would you do?


I know exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to encourage you to keep writing, rewrite this, show rather than tell, and give folks not to give up by page six.

I quit at page eight when:


Quoted Text
She's smitten - she's very grateful to have a beautiful
American boy digging her. He’s like her 20-something Martin
Sheen in black leather jacket - think Bad Lands.
.

What is worse than namedropping the 70's picture is getting the name wrong. It's Badlands One word. Not two.

Since a good chunk of your opening act is side notes, telling me things instead of showing, getting inside inner thoughts (okay, maybe there IS some Terry Malick influence here...)  it's time to brush up on your Syd Field---if you had a story here. Lots of padding.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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