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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Fifty Fifty Moderators: bert
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  Author    Fifty Fifty  (currently 1733 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: December 16th, 2010, 10:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Fifty Fifty by Matias Caruso (mr. z) - Short, Action, Thriller - Rival bounty hunters must join forces to capture a modern day witch. Oh, and they used to be married. 7 pages

Second Place October Moviepoet Contest - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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stebrown
Posted: December 17th, 2010, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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Hey Matias

I read this over at MP after the competition ended and liked it a lot. Another solid script with a very cool premise and characters.

I love the visuals in this script as we intercut between the miniature and the actual shack. Your descriptions were all easy to follow, which is an achievement as this could have been quite complicated.

The only thing I would have liked to understand a little better was the different powders and such. It didn't harm this script for me and I can't really see how you could fit an explanation in, but I'm just curious haha.

Only typo I found was the bottom of page 3 - "He climbs it up as..." should be "He climbs up it as..."

Loved the reversal in the dialogue at the end. A nice ending.

Ste


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RayW
Posted: December 17th, 2010, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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Excellent story, Matias.

I'm continually impressed with the wide diversity of characters, settings and elements you bring into your work.



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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 17th, 2010, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Greetings Matias,

Fluid, clever and engaging. Seems tailor made for Brangelina.
Your hunters do have a touch of the "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" vibe to them.
You establish the rules of your world and characters with aplomb.
I'm never lost and you effectively show, not explain, how magic works here.
The only thing I found lacking was the witch's motivation, not big deal though.
It would have played nicely with your couple if she did love manipulation magics.
Some one liner about being under a spell at the end or something nifty like that.
Oh, and the kiss at the end. Didn't work for me. Seemed a bit too pat. No biggie.

Breezy well crafted fun with a flair for pacing and thoughtful action. Kudos!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Angry Bear
Posted: December 17th, 2010, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Z,

nice one as always. Have nothing really to offer here as it's very good as it is.

On page 1 though you write a hunter looks up or something like that. For a few seconds there I thought there was yet another hunter. You might want to change that to One of the Hunters.

I agree with E.D that I would have liked to know the Witch's motivations and the kiss at the end didn't work. Turned it all cheesy all of a sudden. I didn't think that fit these two characters. I mean, fine if they do later, but not this early.

Btw, you have a gift for cool dialogue.

Pia  


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Mr.Z
Posted: December 18th, 2010, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read guys; I'll definitely do a rewrite on this based on your feedback.

@ste: Sorry that the powder confused you. Too many powders yeah? Good thing I cut that scene where the witch was sniffing coke.  

Thanks for pointing the typo. I'll fix that.

@Ray: Thanks man, I'm flattered.

@Electric Dreamer: Yesyesyes, I loves  me some Brangelina! Sorry about the pussy ending; that kiss is likely to go in the next draft.

@Pia: Well, not even the chicks like the kiss so, yeah, I'll definitely cut the kiss. Thanks for your honesty. Glad you enjoyed the dialogue.  


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jwent6688
Posted: December 18th, 2010, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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Good stuff Matias,

I pretty much just read your shorts for entertainment value. I can't fucken improve this stuff.

James


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cloroxmartini
Posted: December 18th, 2010, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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I like Scarlett (Johansson) and Ewan (McGregor) doing their thing. Their banter is familiar but setting it in this situation gives that kind of banter some new life. This is their job and they are good at what they do (maybe the best), just getting through this job so they can move on to beer-thirty and the next job.

The action narrative doesn't flow well (for me) in two important instances: the intro with the hunters and the witch in the attic doing her thing with the little model shack. These are the only two scene setups and I had to stop and figure out was going on both times. I did, obviously, but it was awkward.

Fun stuff.

Revision History (1 edits)
cloroxmartini  -  December 18th, 2010, 12:20pm
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grademan
Posted: December 18th, 2010, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
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Mr.  Z!

Congrats on the MP finish.

This one would be good to intro a new Indiana Jones and Jones with a different setting.

Your narrative and dialogue are snappy.

Donít like underlined sentences when there is a natural emphasis there already.

I would not have thought the two were married previously unless I reread the logline. I thought they were hot for each other at one time. If I had picked up on that, the ending kiss would have made (more) sense.

I was confused at the start. There were hunters and then a character is referred to as
The Hunter. I am not sure what I missed.

The kiss at the end wasnít right. Maybe a slap followed by some witty remark, and then the kiss.

Gary


Major lead characters must show GRIT. No wimps! He must do something. He must have forward motion.

JAMES SCOTT BELL
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mode11
Posted: December 18th, 2010, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked the banter back and forth between the two characters and really like the beginning and how you establish the area. My only negative thing would be the the line, "the definition of bad ass". Just seemed cheap and lazy to me.

I also liked the line reversal at the end.


Psycos don't explode. I don't care how crazy they are.
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Mr.Z
Posted: December 19th, 2010, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from cloroxmartini
I like Scarlett (Johansson) and Ewan (McGregor) doing their thing.


Good catch, haha! That was not intentional for the record.

Sorry some bits didn't work for you. Glad you know you made it to the end and kinda enjoyed it after all.

@James: Thanks, man. Coming from you, that's very flattering.

@Gary: Thanks for the read and your suggestions. Another one who felt the kiss wasn't right, hmmm. Now that I'm sure it has to go, someone will pop up to say it rocked. Wait for it.  

@mode11: Thanks for the read, glad you digged the line reversal.



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jackx
Posted: January 2nd, 2011, 10:03pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice story, tight and fun.
Are Mirrorshades supposed to be something specific?  Or just mirrored sunglasses?  The way you have it capitalized and one word makes it sound like an artifact, not just a type of glasses.  Also I might mention that Ewan has a pair too, even though you say he's similar to her.  Just cuz they're important later.

How big is the replica?  By which I mean, how does Scarlet blow into it?  I was picturing like a foot or two tall, so blowing into it would require bending over, which seems like ewan would be stabbed already.  Maybe she kicks it, causing an earthquake?  Or its a couple feet tall?

You're already getting rid of the kiss, so I wont go into that.

Other than that, very fun little short.  Always nice to actually have believable characters in a fantasy setting.


Mine:
HARD CASE
††††††††††† (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
††††††††††† (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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TheRichcraft
Posted: January 2nd, 2011, 11:48pm Report to Moderator
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I had to read it a second time because I got confused.  However, I did like it for the most part.

I would have had Scarlett and Ewan wearing amulets so that the witch's coughing spell (pun intended) would not have worked on them.  But the replica of the attic being used in imitative magic would have affected them.

As for the kiss, I would have had Ewan try to steal one from Scarlett since he thinks she still had the hots for him.  Only she head butts him and says something like, "You still think you're hot shit, huh?"

Just a suggestion.  
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Mr.Z
Posted: January 3rd, 2011, 9:29am Report to Moderator
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Thanks jackx and TheRichcraft for your read and suggestions. Much appreciated.

(The mirrorshades are just mirrored sunglasses.)

(And the kiss is gone in the latest draft, by the way.)



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BRBellerophon
Posted: January 3rd, 2011, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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God, I love your scripts. Impeccable writing as usual, Mr.Z. You do fantasy like no other.

I have to admit though, I didn't get the miniature shanty business right at the bat. I had to do a double take and read half of the page twice. Just me, I guess.

I love how your scripts hint at a world bigger than the actual script. Sort of like, "a day in the life of a witch hunter in Middle Earth" or something like that.

Ever think of writing a novel? Your descriptions are rich. You don't see much of those around here since as I recall one of the first things I learned about writing from observation is people tend to "show and not tell". But, your descriptions are able to do both.

Hope to read more from you.


"All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." - T.E. Lawrence
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