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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Show To Die For Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Show To Die For  (currently 4009 views)
Don
Posted: December 23rd, 2010, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Show To Die For by Martin Cox - Short, Drama - A talk show host's guest dies on set and sparks an internet frenzy. 15 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Jean-Pierre Chapoteau
Posted: December 24th, 2010, 3:10am Report to Moderator
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I like how by the first page we already know what kind of man Dan is. Good looking on the outside, but a bastard on the in.

"yeah your probably right" Should be you're.

On page 14, when did Dan become a cowboy? He was talking in so much slang. That was strange...

Oh my Gosh!! That completely took me for surprise! Nice... I liked this. It doubt this could really be a show and aired even on the net, but this is a world where it can be, and you did a great job with that.

I can see this being filmed.





I DON'T READ REVIEWS BEFORE I REVIEW!!
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chelsea
Posted: December 24th, 2010, 6:49am Report to Moderator
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Hey JeanPierre.

Thanks for the read and the comments. Your views are revered on these boards so I'm pumped!

I'll look at Dan's dialog and see what I can do with it and if I ever write something without a typo I'll eat my own ass! (Godsakes, I check, re-check...shoot!)

While writing this I thought it could well be developed into a feature with Pammy and Dan's back stories being developed, and running them in parallel. I'd like your comments on that, if you'd be so kind.

Once again, thanks man and have a great Christmas and New Year!.

Best.

Martin.


My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



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grademan
Posted: December 24th, 2010, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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Martin,

I liked this.

Here are my comments.

You were into the story quickly and cleanly. Over all, it flowed well.

Dan was a stereotype character – deadbeat dad who’s a dick at work until he started acting noble.  I also liked how you made him a ram charging man in dialogue. Very good. The change felt a little forced esp. when he stated to the audience to always take care of the children and he was gambling his kid’s support money.

It was hard for me to reconcile Dan being a dick at work to doing something noble. Or was it a ratings ploy?

The final scene confused me a bit. Dan purposely drank the poisoned cup?  Cool, Lots of overtones there.

I favor giving each main character attributes. Dan’s boss should have something besides his age,

I think this is my fav of your work.

Gary
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chelsea
Posted: December 24th, 2010, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Gary.

It's Christmas Day morning here. Just got up and saw your review. Thank you so much. One of the best presents ever!

Back to the script.

Yes I agree the change in Dan is a little forced. I was trying to portray Dan as a self-serving egoist, a ratings prostitute, who gradually realizes what an A..hole he really is. But doing that within the confines of a short...well I found it difficult.

The comment about taking care of the kids was to illuminate just how hypocritical Dan is and yes, he did drink the cup on purpose, trying to achieve some kind of soul salvation, redemption.

As I said to Jean-Pierre, I thought this might make a reasonable feature. I guess I'm looking for confirmation from someone a deal better than me. I'd love to hear your comments on that.

Thanks again and have a fantastic Christmas and New Year.

Best.

Martin


My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



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jwent6688
Posted: December 25th, 2010, 9:05pm Report to Moderator
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Martin,

Good job on this one. Still not my fave of yours. Sorry, Hail The Cabby is still a better gem IMO. I had a problem with Dan's motives to off himself. I always look at news anchor men as smug, self indulgent bastards. He didn't seem to care that he was under the gun with his job or debts.

I like what you're going for here, I just think you need to really pin him down to do what he does in the end.

I like the use of (Cont'd) in someone's dialogue when an action sentence breaks up what they're saying. It's a bit of an eye sore, but a good deal of people skim scripts on dialogue alone. I don't, but this helps keep those readers from having to go back and realize the same character said both blocks. A minute turn off for some that I'd try to avoid.

Karen's opening dialogue? I'm still of the belief the other person on the line should be (V.O.). We've had many arguments. (V.O.) on the telephone seems to be the majority belief.

DAN
Good job my ass! That was so
fucking boring I was sending my own
feet to sleep.

or something like...

DAN
Good job? Exciting as
A fucking insurance seminar!

Just sounded funny to me when i read it out loud. Didn't feel like realistic dialogue.

Anywho, Always read your shorts cause I think you got the talent sire. This one didn't disappoint. Good work.

James


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chelsea
Posted: December 25th, 2010, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey James.

Firstly, a very merry Christmas to you and yours. Have a few on me.

Secondly, thanks for the read (again). I always look forward to your comments.

Anticipation and sometimes trepidation, 'cos you tell it like it is....honest.

I was roundly criticized recently for using (cont'd) in my stuff. I like like using that as a link in the dialogue, but I was told it was "old fashioned, outdated". I'm so happy you think not.

Gonna resume service as normal!

Dan's 'sending his own feet to sleep' is a common phrase in the area of London I'm from.

Gotta get outta this colloquialistic shite!

Thirdly, no one has called me "sire" for.....well never actually.

Seriously though, thank you for your continued support and comments.

Best.

Martin.


My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



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chelsea
Posted: December 25th, 2010, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry James.

Forgot to say, many congrats on "SO PRETTY". Brilliant!!!!!

Should've won!.

M.



My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



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jwent6688
Posted: December 25th, 2010, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from chelsea
Dan's 'sending his own feet to sleep' is a common phrase in the area of London I'm from.


Was guessing that. But, if you wanna write the stateside, it didn't fit.

Thanks for the congrats. and merry Christmas you daft prick.

James



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chelsea
Posted: December 26th, 2010, 2:23am Report to Moderator
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I think 'daft prick' is much better than 'sire'. More my style.

Gotta go 'cos now you're now sending my feet to sleep.

Get shitfaced!!!

Martin.


My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



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Andrew
Posted: December 26th, 2010, 6:24am Report to Moderator
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Martin,

This is a very interesting concept but I do feel it needs a reworking to get filmed (which I agree with Pierre would be a distinct possibility).

Firstly, I think this script needs some anchoring in the world these characters inhabit. The dialogue and early scenes felt a bit wacky and this jarred with the more traditional sentimentality you delivered as Dan delivers himself redemption at the close. The major sticking point for me was with the internet aspect - the old chap dying being uploaded to the internet was portrayed as a unique opportunity to gain traction for the show, and yet, it's something that content providers are incapable of currently stopping. That jarred with the omnipotence of the internet in its current form and also tapped into my own feeling that you missed an opportunity of interweaving the internet craze we were promised in the tagline.

To me, those are fundamentally important areas that would dramatically improve the script and ultimately allow you to capatalise on a very promising concept.  


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BRBellerophon
Posted: December 26th, 2010, 6:44am Report to Moderator
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Hi Martin,

I read your script and I've got to say I really like the plot. It's very fitting for today's generation where the weirdest things go viral. I just can't help but remember this show I watched on TV or the movies before where there was this guy posting killings on the web and the police had to try to stop the killer. Maybe it was CSI or some random B suspense movie.

Anyway, I digress. I liked the plot. It was original and imaginative, and somehow I felt it could really happen. The only thing I didn't like is that Dan's transformation sort of happened too fast. Clues weren't dropped that he was changing as the story progressed. The end came as a shocker to me. Maybe I didn't read close enough. I'll reread the piece soon enough. But as for the ending, it's a definite winner.

Overall, I enjoyed your piece very well. Hope to read more from you.

*P.S.: Found a tiny error:

PAMMY
Pammy darlin’. Can you be talked
out of this decision?

Isn't that supposed to be DAN?


"All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." - T.E. Lawrence
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Angry Bear
Posted: December 26th, 2010, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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Just read this. Thought it was okay. I don't think I was quite as impressed as some of the other readers, but don't take me wrong, I didn't think it was bad, just not great.

Dan comes across as a real shallow jerk in the beginning. He gambles and don't pay his child support. He throws a tantrum at work and demands better guests with better questions for the show, but he complains when his boss wants a production meeting and he can't play golf. That doesn't seem to fit at all with the character Dan is at the end when he interviews Pammy and ultimately takes his own life. What was the point with that btw? Why does he want to die all of a sudden? He's an asshole and a jerk, but nowhere did I see any signs of him being suicidal. Did the old man's death have that strong of an effect on him or was it Pammy's situation? Regardless of which one, I think you need to fix Dan's motives here and make them more clear for this to make sense.

I liked the ending. There's just need to be a better reason for it so it doesn't feel like it's coming out of left field.

Hope any of this helps.  


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khamanna
Posted: December 26th, 2010, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hi chelsea,

You're a prolific writer here and I didn't even know.

Read your short. Overall I liked it. The idea is really original. And the possibility of it happening is quite believable too I think.

The set up took a really long time - you got to the meat only on page 7 - he was cornered to take the job, right? 7 pages, that's long for me, I almost started loosing interest.

Dan's transformation is a bit magical too, a bit sudden. I think you could foreshadow it somehow, maybe he's sick himself... Also at the beginning of the interview he's a bit rude with his "bad timing, heh?" and a little pretencious. --that made him unsympathetic.

But these are the only things, the story itself - Dan made a big bad man pay the lady and the idea of it is very interesting and fun. I breezed through it in fact, was a fun read overall.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 26th, 2010, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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Greetings Martin,

I liked the destination, just not how we got there.
Dan's journey doesn't click for me.
I think if you plug a consistent character into this scenario, it will work great.
Your scene transitions in the middle were very jarring for me.
It prevented a good flow to your pages.
Overall, it's a good read, no technical standout issues for me.
Perhaps Dan did it to get back at his boss or was he genuinely moved.
What did Dan's family get out of it or did he not care?
I should not have these question about you main character.
I like your plot and execution, but Dan doesn't work for me at all.

Thanks for posting. I look forward to seeing where you take this one.

Regards,
E.D.


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