The City, and April by Sean O'Reilly - Short, Drama - Johnnie, a man lost in life and suffering (unbeknown to even himself) from memory loss, finds love with April. Of course the discourse of the romance has complications which both must work through. 10 pages - pdf, format

You only need to CAP their names the first time you intro them. You overwrite. I could condense some of your five line action paragraphs into three lines. You need to learn how to do this IMHO.

Go easy on the parentheticals... Hope that your actors can find their characters and say the lines right.

You should intro April the minute we see her. IN an action sentence. No need for her first dialogue to be WOMAN at first.

JOHNNIE should be (V.O.) when narrating. Its the standard for narration.

I don't like the numbers on your slugs. Feels more like a shooting script versus a spec.

The whole Johnnie not remembering things kinda came out of the blue.

April should be (V.O.) on the other end of the telephone.

"I love a girl, but she can’t bear my crumbling memories". - This line should be (V.O.) by one of our main chracters. Its dialogue.

Overall, I can't say I liked this. He meets a girl. Has a bad memory out of nowhere, then she finds out why and is in love with him again. Your heart is in the right place. I think a few more pages could really make this one work. As it sits? not for me...

James

Hi Sean,

I think you have a sweet little story here. You have a way of describing things down to the last detail, which is both good and bad.  In your script, it helped me get a good feeling of the scenes, but I think it was a little too much.  Maybe if you broke down the paragraphs and sentences so they're shorter and crisper.

I also noticed a couple times where I felt like I was reading a novel or short non-screenplay story. It would definitely be easier to read if it's broken down into smaller pieces. Like what I tried to do with this post.

I like the connection you built between Johnnie and April. I felt the ending was a nice touch too.  Aside from the format issues that were mentioned already, if you tighten the script while expanding the story, it could turn into something great.

Cheers.

Hi Sean.

I have to agree with both James and Gavin.

There's no doubt you have writing ability but you have to decide whether you want to write a book or a screenplay.

I should know, 'coz I used to write just like this, over writing, great blocks of action lines etc.

Then one of SS's guys told me "aim for more white space on the page. The more the better...." and boy was he right.

Just take some time to read some of the more experienced writer's scripts on this site and you'll get the hang of it. (James's 'SO PRETTY' is a good place to start!)

BTW, Johnnie's jacket covers the book and then later becomes his shirt.

Hope this all helps.

Best of luck.

Martin.

Howdy Sean, and presumably Ben,

Even though it's stupid and superfluous, always begin with a left justified FADE IN:
(I don't make these stupid rules. I just parrot them. Sometimes.)

Ditch the scene numbers and don't include introductory credit sequence.

Don't need periods after your slug lines/scene headings.

JOHNNIE (NARRATION)
What you want here is a V.O. for voice over, rather than a NARRATION.

Here:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/12721428/Professional-Screenplay-Formatting-Guide
Look over that some.
It's one of the better online format guides.


JOHNNIE, a twenty-four year old man, is standing by a train
station with his vintage, brown, shabby Globite suitcase in
his hand. He looks confused and innocent - just like a
toddler would if he or she were lost. He has rough, messy
short brown hair. He is wearing a flannelette, long-sleeved
shirt and rough dirt-stained and tattered jeans with
tattered boots poking out at the bottom. JOHNNIE puts his
suitcase on the ground, and hurriedly rummages through his
flannelette shirt pockets. In the third pocket he looks
through he finds a train ticket. He unscrunches it and
reads. He perks his head and ears as he hears another train
in the distance.

Umm... that'll need to be broken up.
Hit your "Enter" button after each sentence.


There's a lot of work to be re-done on this.
(Been there. Doing that.)
I don't know how much effort you want to put into learning all the format stuff a spec script kinda demands.
It's kinda silly but necessary.

Chime in soon, okay? Please?