Swerve (Night Cap) by Bryson (13thChamber) - Short, Horror - After a perfect ending to a perfect date, Natasha and Larry decide to call it a night. But when things don't end so "perfectly" for Larry, things get deadly and fast. 12 pages - pdf, format

Bryson,

You gotta take us in to the car with a slug. INT. CAR - NIGHT. You just wrote 'inside the car".

I think you should do some INT/EXT work whilst Larry is in the car debating his attack. to build tension. Who's wathcing him? He's gotta be worried.

I don't believe "..." is acceptable dialogue for a character heading. Lose it. Its just a pause.

Where did Natasha get her gun?

Overall, I liked this. I think you delved into Larry's character well. He had some deviant quirks.  And Natasha felt very real and sincere. So good job there.

James

Hey Bryson,

I thought this was a decent effort, but in the end, it was so-so for me.  I think you started out fine, but once Larry’s true nature was revealed, it felt a little forced, and I agree with Jwent that the ending kind of came out of nowhere.  I think I would drop all of the stuff about Natasha getting a little wet and even enjoying herself a bit despite the circumstances.  I don’t know, it felt kind of sensational and I don’t think it will help the reader identify with Natasha.  I mean obviously we are rooting for her, but why even mention this other stuff.

Also, I’d drop a lot of the (…) that you have hear.  I don’t think it’s a problem to use now and again, but I think you overused it and it got a little distracting as the read became more stunted.  For the most part, I would just stick with 3 to 4 line action paragraphs.

Here are a couple of notes I took while reading:

P. 1 - Not a big deal, but you refer to the home as “humble” twice in a short span.  I think I would drop the second one.

P. 3 – “Ha ha ha ha! I was just playing. I assume you expected to meet a creep tonight...”

I would consider dropping this dialogue because it feels a little redundant given what Natasha had just told him on the previous page.  She said she was pleasantly surprised with the date and had been expecting the worse.

P. 4 – “The woman in the photos looks familiar, but the pictures are kind of obscured...”

Instead of “kind of obscured” – how about “the woman in the photos looks familiar, but her face is obscured”.  

P. 4 – “Larry hops out the car...”
Dropped “of”.

P. 8
“NATASHA
mmf-mmf-mm-mmmpf...”

I think you should drop this line of dialogue and describe the scene in the action sequence.  Something like, “Natasha struggles to speak, but is bound and gagged”.

Anyway, like I said, I thought it was a nice effort.  This kind of everyday “horror” has a way of really connecting with people when done properly because we immediately think, “Shit, that could happen to me”, but I think you need to find a way to up the ante a bit and show us more of Natasha’s trials and tribulations at the hands of Larry before she overcomes.  Hope this helps.  Best of luck.

Craig

P.S. I was just reading James' comments above, and I agree that you did a nice job with Larry.  I particulalry like the little story he shared with Natasha in the beginning because in retrospect, it kind of gave us a little peak into his real persona.  The fact that he see's the thiefs POV tells us a lot about the fact that he willing to do anything to get what he wants.

Thanks for the feedback you guys it's really appreciated. There was one thing I was debating heavily, and that was is I should have revealed where natasha's gun was? (Under her pillow) since I wanted it to be kind of shocking in a sense...Aww well thanks for taking your time to read this and respond, it's really appreciated.

Hi Bryson,

This was hit and miss for me. Your writing is fine, but you have a few "unfilmables" that jumped out at me. James mentioned one (three dots hardly qualify as a line to say -- in fact, I think you have ellipsis overkill in this script). Another unfilmable I noticed is when you write, "Natasha can’t help but get a little wet." I get what you're saying with this line, but for a script, it just doesn't fit. Reword it somehow.

I'm not sure how I feel about the ending. First, I wasn't expecting it to be so abrupt. Second, I think Craig offered some solid input when he mentioned you should extend Natasha's struggle with Larry, that way her empowerment is more satisfying.

I liked that you kept the cast and locations rather small. I imagine this being a script that would be easy to film, therefore easier for a producer/director to pick up. Good luck, and keep writing.

Chris

Greetings Bryson,

Congrats on completing a short, always a gratifying experience.
Unfilmables have already been addressed and worth examining for yourself.
Larry and Natasha felt pretty decent as characters. Nothing wrong with them.
The circumstance ended pretty quick and I don't know where she got the gun from.
I think with some dialogue you can heighten the suspense and climax.
Natasha trying to assert herself to distract Larry, etc.
It would help with the mechanical feel of the climatic action.
Decent job, keep at it!

Thanks for posting. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.