Mistaken by A. Forey - Short, Action, Adventure - Jack gets accused of a murdering an assassin, and is hunted down, but did he do the crime? 5 pages - pdf, format

Ouf! This story didn't "grab" me at all, just don't know where to point my finger.

OK, first of all, you have an interesting logline, but cut few more words, like: Jack gets accused of murdering an assassin, his hunted down, did he do it?, as goes for the whole script, don't describe too much, I have the same problem too. Don't put POV, unless you gonna direct it.. write it as it's happening.

And why do you have scene heading numbers?? IMO there's to much, "man with the gun", "man with the gun", "man with the gun"! - give the guy a short name or something.

Good luck though.

HI Alex,

If I’m being totally honest here I was a little confused by this.

***SPOILERS***
I had a couple of issues at the outset, but when I got to the point where he reads the article on the BBC website, I was intrigued by the whole, internet tells the future bit, but you never really went back to that.  Sure, you have Jack acknowledge it briefly at the edn, but then you just drop it.  I mean wouldn’t he be more curious about what just happened to him?

I think you need to develop Jack a bit more.  He’s a young kid, and that’s fine, but that doesn’t mean that he can’t put two and two together and realize that something is going on.  IMO you ended this too abruptly and didn’t give the audience any payoff.

I also think you need to work on some of the dialogue.  I know it’s difficult, and pretty much everyone struggles with writing realistic dialogue, but this feels a little forced in places.

Below are some notes I took while reading:

P. 1 – “JACK
(thinks to himself out loud)
I’m glad that wasn’t me, although he does look like me.”

This was the second instance in which you have Jack talking to himself.  It’s kind of expositional.  I don’t really have so much of a problem with that since sometimes it’s necessary, but it just seems kind of unrealistic.  Sure, we all talk to ourselves (at least I do), but not out loud and not within the span of a couple of minutes.  It’s more of an internal conversation.  I think you need to find another way of writing these sequences without having Jack come right out and say what he’s thinking.
Maybe when he turns the key, he gives a glance towards an empty driveway, or he peers through the window.  Let the audience try and fill in some of the blanks.
Maybe with the above dialogue, Jack says something like, “Lucky bastard, good looking though”.  Cheesy I know, but something like that.

P. 1 – “As he does so he notices out of the corner of his eye notices something moving out of the kitchen window.”
This sentence needs to be re-written.  Looks like you probably started and stopped here.  Happens all the time.

P.1 “Jake”

S/B Jack.

P.1 JACK
“Hi. I’m kind of busy so please can you make it quick.”

I’d try and re-work this.  Some dude shows up at my door with a gun, I’m not going to say Hi, or tell him to make it quick.  I’m going to squeal and then hopefully slam the door in his face, preferably before he caps me.

I’d give your villain a name.

Anyway, I hope to hear from you, and I hope this helps.

Craig