Blood Fountain by Matt Mackowski (mattman2900) - Short, Suspense - A young teen girl in an enchanted forest is haunted by a dangerous and dark curse. 8 pages - pdf, format

Mattmaaaaaan!
Wadup, bro?

Capitalize your title.

I've had readers flip out over NEEDING! to know the gender of the narrator right off the bat.
Whatever.

I certainly "get" the narrator set up, I think the verbal flow of it could be smoothed out some more, the nature of "the curse" could be more delineated or just suggested and I'm concerned that, as lovely as it is, the audience is looking at a black screen for too long.
Certainly begin with black opening and water sound, but begin dropping some of that narration into a fade in of the GARDEN WATER FOUNTAIN's clear water flowing as it turns red then into what you have.


               ELLIE
     Yes, I am.  Why wouldn’t I be?  You
     created me.  You created me,
     because I am who you want to be.
     What you could never be, but only
     imagine.
Oh, this alter-ego-materialized-or-imagined stuff gets very cliche very fast. Be careful.

By the end of page six this disjointed, semi-dream sequence stuff becomes increasingly difficult to hold onto.
- There's the narration speaking of Aria.
- As far as the viewer knows Aria is the light complexioned blonde whom is introduced to the audience first. No names have been spoken and there are two females, either of which could be Aria.
- Some girl is chained up, likely these are alter-egos of the other, but that's not established nor made visually apparent.
- The girls have a brief power struggle over... body-perception issues in a mirror, it's broken.
- Flashback! Ellie appears when Aria drinks from the fountain. Dark Aria!
- Ellie stabs and drowns a young man. BTW, we have no chronological setting: contemporary, Elizabethan, in fair Verona? Miami coke king's back yard? When? Where? Dress clues?
- Chains pop, Aria vanishes.
- She magically appears with a bow and quiver of arrows far enough away from the cottage she was just chained inside of to fire arrows at Dark Aria/Ellie whom now steps out of it.
- Day turns to night with arrow mid-flight.
- Dark Aria/Ellie vanishes when the arrow strikes her.

Pg 7
The YOUNG MAN smiles at her. He holds the purple robe.
I guess I missed the purple robe bit from earlier.


Alrighty, so... !
Aria drinks the water, bifurcating her and the spectral Ellie.
Ellie chains Aria to the cottage wall, forces water into her and makes her look into the ugly mirror. Who knows how long this has gone on for and for what sensible purpose.
Ellie drowns the young man, Aria disapproves.
Aria inexplicably/symbolically breaks her chains, slays Ellie with an arrow.
Ellie vanishes, Aria drops, but Ellie rises to meet with her drowned young man, presumably in some alternate reality.

Did I get all that straight?

Doesn't make sh!t sense.

Visually? Oh! This is f@ckin' FANTASTIC material!
Excellent.
The dark effed-up, fairytale thing is all the rage now. If you can get this to make some effin' sense Guillermo del Toro will be beating down your doorstep.
I had Hellboy/Pan's Labyrinth visuals out the wazoo.

Either the story needs work on continuity - or - you simply need to elucidate what I concede may be... complex relationships.

Fundamentally it's good.
Definitely an opening sequence to a larger tale.
The execution needs a little... clarity.

Hey Mattman, just checked out your script.  There’s a lot I really like about it, but also a lot that I don’t like, and feel needs attention.  If nothing else, it’s a very cool, ambitious little fairy tale you’ve concocted.

First things first…your opening “OVER BLACK:” needs to go in the upper left hand corner, not the right.  This is your opening transition and just like a “FADE IN:” it needs to be left aligned.

Secondly, since it’s over black, I’m not sure why you have “GARDEN WATER FOUNTAIN”, which appears to be some sort of a Mini Slug.  If it’s all black screen, you don’t need, or want, a Slug.

Biggest issue with this opening is the fact that you’ve got an entire minute of your 7 minute script (14%) over black.  That’s not going to work visually at all, and IMO, is a major problem right off the bat.

Like Ray said, just using “NARRATOR” for this voice is an issue, as we have no clue whether it’s male or female, so again, although cool in many ways, it doesn’t work visually (or I guess I’m trying to say aurally).

No reason that I can think of for the use of “beat.” in this intro.  They waste space and offer nothing in return.

For me, this is a very confusing and probably impossible read to comprehend…in a single read.  Maybe consequent reads would enlighten me, but as it is, it’s impossible to follow. I think some of the issues have to deal with the way you chose to write this.

You’ve got an awful lot of sentence fragments, standing on their own as sentences, or passages.  They read awkwardly.  Basically, I guess they can be looked at as “shots”, because there isn’t any verb or action taking place.  I’d try and stay away from writing like this.

You’ve also got a ton of missing commas throughout, which again, for me, makes it a tough read.  I know, some commas don’t mean shit.  But others do, and when they’re missing, it causes the phrase to be confusing, as well as difficult to comprehend, making me stop and reread numerous lines.

You’ve also chosen to write this with a director’s hand, meaning you’re not simply writing the story, you’re choosing how shots will be set up, and exactly what’s going to be onscreen at various times.  Again, this makes for a confusing read at times, and IMO, shouldn’t be done…or attempted.

You’ve also chosen to write this purposely ambiguous in terms of what exactly is going on, who’s who, and all the whys as well.  I understand this gives the script a certain feel and flow (which is good) but it also makes it very difficult to comprehend.

Finally, I’m pretty sure there are issues with your Slugs.  You omit a time in many, but include “NIGHT”, “DAY”, CONTINUOUS”, FLASHBACK”, and “PRESENT TIME” in others.  It’s confusing and lazy, IMO.  When you use “FLASHBACK” in your Slug line, you’re telling us that scene is a Flashback, and that scene only.  I have a feeling you actually intended the Flashback to extend past the 1 scene, but I could be wrong.  The “PRESENT TIME” thing in another Slug is what I’m basing this on.

IMO, it’s easiest, cleanest, and most direct when you simply write, “BEGIN FLASHBACK:”, and then write your Slug below it.  This way, you can have multiple scenes (Slugs) within the actual Flashback.  Then, when you’re done, just write, “END FLASHBACK.” And go into your next scene with a new Slug.  It’s crystal clear for your readers and it will keep you out of problems like I think you have here.

So, I hope this helps and makes sense.  It’s a really cool little idea you’ve put together, now I think you need to clean it up and make it what it can be.

Take care.

Hey guys, thanks for reading.  firstly, the coverpage title should have been capitalized -must have deleted it and not rehit CAPS LOCK, grr.

I also absolutely get what you guys mean by the questions.   I did start a third rewrite after posting this. I'm not sure what version this is, but it's probably the second if I remember correctly.  Below are a few things and why I chose them specifically or well atmospherically.

I knew going in that if I posted this, the Narrator gender would be an issue for some. However for me, for this particular script it doesn't matter the gender of the narrator, and when I film this you will see why or at least I hope you will see why.

Also thank you pointing out that the whole first page was over black, it should NOT be that way, when I read over it, I must have missed that I didn't put the Fade slowly into garden. I will look over my rewire and make sure that's in there.

Unfortunately the setting just escaped me, it is in my head, but never made it to the "paper" and YES the names were purposely left out at the beginning, however should be mentioned in the cottage by one of them, if they were not, that is an error. I'll check it out.

As well the Bow and Arrow should be sitting in the cottage or hanging on a wall.  

I think I've covered everything, right?   O and yes the OVER BLACK and FADE IN alignment issue were my FD7 being insistent on going to the right.  Even if I adjusted them in the elements and such they still went to the right, and that means I've got to go in and manually add and adjust.  Thanks for point it out though - probably would have noticed a couple of reads later.

Definitely this could be a little longer and the flashback should have only been one scene.  

I will make notes and add to my rewrite at a later time.  Right now I'm working on actually getting Defending Daisy short script funded.


Lastly, Keep in mind with my shorts, I tend to try and go "out there" and try different things. Most of my shorts are just practice , while they all still should follows the template rules of screenwriting and such.  But most of my stories can and should be longer.  Feedback is essential in writing and this is why I post stories here, as I know no one will be "It's good" if really did suck.  

Thanks again for the critique and if anyone is interested in reading the rewrite let me know, but I warn it could be a while.  Too many projects, need to start focuses on one! Told myself that yesterday and then low and behold got another idea!  Isn't that how it always work?

P.S. Thanks for the the heads up on the "beat" they are just place holders - I think I have an idea of what I want to put in their place.

Greetings Matt,

Congrats on posting a short, always feels good to write "The End".

You've got some strong visual here, but not a lick of it made much sense.
Jeff pointed out many of the tech problems that slowed my read as well.
I was never sure where your flashback ended, I had to keep stopping and checking.
Last thing you want to do is anything that trips up your reader.
All talk over black opener with running water, would make your audience need to pee. =p
I honestly skimmed your first page. Too much talk with no visuals.
Then there's more explanation later about the doppelganger deal.
I don't want things explained unless its exposition the plot can't move on without.
Other than that, show me and let your reader draw their own conclusions.
It gives your reader much more to do than just read along, stimulate the brainpan.

You have a good visual mind, now let's see you apply that to a coherent story.
Nice effort, let me know when you post the rewrite.

Thanks for posing and keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

I think the main thing here is to make it clearer. I'm lost on the very first page - what is the curse of the fountain?

I also thought that the first page is not very visual. The visuals that you painted later are very well conceived and overall impressive - why not to start with them. It's strange that we see only the fountain for a period of a page - the narrator's lengthy talk looses the impact. Plus what the narrator says is not very clear.

But it's an interesting one with great potential. What is the curse? --I'm very curious. Or did I miss it?

Great concept you have here Matt. I am an avid fan of the fantasy genre and the mythical themes to this short got me visually interested!

The continuity of the story, jarred my experience a bit. I also got confused between the use of present time and flash back. I gave it a few reads and have a couple of questions. Where do Aria's supernatural powers come from? And also does the ending imply that the whole scenario with Aria was dreamt by Ellie?

I think the five chunks of Narrator V.O. should be trimmed down and its message made much clearer. As it is, it reads more as a striving for poetry than for story.
It would be much more compelling to know something of the 'Legends of the enchanting spells it could cast' than to hear of the water's 'sweet smell'.

The poetry you do achieve is spoilt by, for instance; 'the beauty Aria' instead of ' the beautiful Aria'. Also, grammatical mistakes such as 'it's' for its.

'Fearing that what she (had) become was permanent,'

'Aria knew that (the) curse had...'

Dreamscale made the point; 'You’ve also chosen to write this with a director’s hand,'.

This choice leads to awkward description. 'Two hands rest chained to a wall'. Rest, in this context, does not work well.
Then, because you wish to conceal that it is Aria chained to the wall we have 'Ellie walks up to the hands' which is odd.

Strive for simple clarity in style and beauty will follow. This is the essence of Strunk and White's little gem of a book 'The Elements of Style'.