SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 4:17am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Trooper Jones Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 20 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Trooper Jones  (currently 764 views)
Don
Posted: February 8th, 2011, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Trooper Jones by Joshua David Bruner - Short, Crime, Drama, Thriller - Jones, an honest State Trooper, accidentally enters the sights of an unknown hitman while giving him a routine speeding ticket. 8 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
cloroxmartini
Posted: February 8th, 2011, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
803
Posts Per Day
0.14
Hi, Joshua. Your spelling is atrocious.

You have some macho stuff going here, that's for sure.

Couple of logic holes I'm wondering about.

Why, when Speeder knows he has folks in the trunk, would he put his gun down and not try to shoot it out with the cop?

Why does a 1979 Camaro have to be turned on so the trunk can open?

How do tail light wires shock Trooper Jones, and by a girl who has glass lodged in her face?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
Ryan1
Posted: February 9th, 2011, 12:21am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1098
Posts Per Day
0.22
Yeah, this one has got...problems.  You need to break up those big chunks of description.  Get rid of all the camera directions.  Only put the names in CAPS when you first intro the character., don't continue to do it throughout the script.  DISPATCH should have a (V.O.) after it.  You call Speeder "Speeder Jones" on page 6.

It seems this story could have been told in four pages, easy.  But no real twist is revealed.  There's bodies in the trunk, but so what?  Where did they come from and what is Speeder's connection to them?

You might have the seeds of a good short script here, but it needs a lot of polishing and tightening.  Good luck with it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006