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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  I Cream For Ice Cream Moderators: bert
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  Author    I Cream For Ice Cream  (currently 1620 views)
Don
Posted: February 14th, 2011, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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I Cream For Ice Cream by William Nicholas Clay & Ryan Easterbrooks - Short, Comedy - A stoner awakens totally alone in his own home starving to death. How desperate is this guy?  5 pages - pdf, format


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Ryan1
Posted: February 14th, 2011, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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Man, that's a misleading title.  I thought it was going to be something totally different.

As far as the story, not much to comment on.  Stoner needs cash for ice cream.  That's your setup, but where's the payoff?  You have to give us something more than realizing the Ice cream guy just sold his last sundae.

Quite a few typos, including this:  "Mitch lights a bowel."

Now that sounds painful.
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mcornetto
Posted: February 14th, 2011, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ryan1

Quite a few typos, including this:  "Mitch lights a bowel."


I don't usually lol and post in the thread of a script I haven't read but....

LOL!
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cloroxmartini
Posted: February 14th, 2011, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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Why do we bitch about spelling?

"Mitch lights a BOWEL."

Ouch!

Otherwise, I guess I understand Mitch saying FK all the time, but he could have not said a word in this and the point would be made, probably better. The ending is flat. The Ice Cream guy doesn't have anything else?
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dogglebe
Posted: February 14th, 2011, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ryan1
Quite a few typos, including this:  "Mitch lights a bowel."

Now that sounds painful.


When lighting a fart isn't enough...


Phil

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mcornetto
Posted: February 14th, 2011, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
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I just read this.  

Do you know how many screenplays start with

An ALARM CLOCK begins to ring throughout the room.

Lots.  Too many.  You need to differentiate your screenplay from others.  You also need to start at the point where nothing needs to happen before it.   Such as

INT. MITCH’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY

Mitch lights a BOWEL. He INHAILS the weed, keeping it
in...one, two, three, four, five...EXHAILS.

I don't think we need to know anything before that.  Only get the spelling right, it's bowl and exhales.  I don't even think you could exhail if you wanted to.

The ending really isn't much.  I think you have more of a story there.  Does he try to get the sundae from the little girl.  That could be very funny.   Where it ends just leaves me very blah.

Hope that helps.
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Conz
Posted: February 14th, 2011, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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Gotta dissect this. two people wrote this?  The funniest part was the "bowel" typo.  The dialogue is no good.  Who talks to themself like that?  And why would a neighbor shoot him? why would he say the unnatural line ""Get out of my yard you fucking teenager?" How could a house be completely empty of food?  especially in this situation where it's still the parents' home? Anticlimatic ending too.

Ya know what could have been funny?  if he tried to trade the ice cream guy a bag of weed for ice cream.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
-2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page.  
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.  
-I have made more than $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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khamanna
Posted: February 15th, 2011, 12:05am Report to Moderator
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I wish it was funny. Wanting ice-cream is a funny premise and wanting ice-cream this bad is a funny drive but the script didn't make me laugh.

He looks all over the place for money. The twist is when we learn that the money was for the ice-cream. Somehow didn't work for me.

It could be slapstick funny though. Maybe if he pushed that girl off the ice-cream truck window and she fell, then got up and ran away...

But I'm not against the premise. I think the premise could work perhaps.
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William N. Clay
Posted: February 15th, 2011, 12:24am Report to Moderator
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Meh, it's just something we thought of. I didn't check for spelling, so thank you for pointing out that it was mis-spelled. It's a first draft. The title is a joke, we don't know what to name it yet.

I appreciate the comments. I really do, even if some of them are to make fun, because it'll only better my writing in the end.

I do need more to it, I know. We're trying to think of what to add. I agree that there really isn't a pay-off in the end. I also thought about ending it with Mitch chasing the little girl.

Anyways, thank you all for the read. I'm going to continue working on it and others.
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mcornetto
Posted: February 15th, 2011, 12:27am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from William N. Clay
Meh, it's just something we thought of. I didn't check for spelling, so thank you for pointing out that it was mis-spelled. It's a first draft. The title is a joke, we don't know what to name it yet.


Please don't post scripts without spell-checking first.  Honestly, if you want us to spend our time looking over your work then the very least you can do is spell-check.
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William N. Clay
Posted: February 15th, 2011, 12:37am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto


Please don't post scripts without spell-checking first.  Honestly, if you want us to spend our time looking over your work then the very least you can do is spell-check.


I will from now on, thank you.
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Baltis.
Posted: February 15th, 2011, 12:44am Report to Moderator
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---
Problem 1
---


Out of the gate we have

(An Alarm Clark begins to ring)

& then, on the second line

(Mitch begins to stir)


You can't do any better than that can you?

---
Problem 2
---

(The house is completely empty)


Like, empty empty?  Like nothing in there at all?  Or just mommy's gone?  

---
Problem 3
---

BOWEL
-- nuff said

---
Problem 4
---
Your dialogue is atrociously bad.  It's horrible.  Garbage even.

---
Problem 5
---

Your writing is redundant.  He looked in the kitchen once and came up with nothing... He then goes back, smokes some more weed and returns to the SAME kitchen, tears it apart, only to find nothing again.  

Then, he goes up stairs and tears apart his bedroom.  Tear, Tear, Tear, Stir, Stir, Stir, Begins, Begins, Begins...

Pretty underwhelming.

---
Problem 6
---

I didn't finish it because............................................
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jonboy
Posted: June 3rd, 2011, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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This, especially with the numerous typos, is juvenille.
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albinopenguin
Posted: June 11th, 2011, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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with a title like this, how could i not read your screenplay? unfortunately for you, everyone's comments are dead on. i just wanted to add that you should capitalize on the fact that this guy is stoned out of his gourd. he acts like a normal guy who's super hungry, even though he just took a few hits. being high adds very little to the story. now most movies, tv shows, etc. portray being high as being drunk...and this is incredibly inaccurate. i'm not sure if there's a story worth salvaging here, but if you do rewrite it, take in consideration that this fuck's super high


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rc1107
Posted: June 11th, 2011, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
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Shoot.  I wasn't paying attention.  I read this whole thing thinking it was an OWC entry.  I was about to say that chasing after an ice cream truck does not constitute an action scene.

And, just for the record, the ice cream drivers round here in Youngstown would have gladly traded one of those Spiderman-shaped treats with the gumball eyes for a little bit of weed.


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