SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 8:17pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Tweeking Zombie of VegasLand Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 12 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Tweeking Zombie of VegasLand  (currently 971 views)
Don
Posted: February 24th, 2011, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Tweeking Zombie of VegasLand by Edgar (eerie4) - Short -  What happens in Vegas, Can suck the life right out'a ya and no one will even notice... 14 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
mcornetto
Posted: February 24th, 2011, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



This is a really good title. But I'm not sure if I'm going to crack it open  - solely based on the logline and its excessive grammar errors.    
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 11
eerie4
Posted: February 24th, 2011, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.00
We'll I'm not going to promise "no" grammar errors but should read better than the log line... Thought of that on the fly when submitting it. If you come up with a better one I'd love to hear it, for sure.

Also for anyone that does read it. I envision this shot in B&W, low key lighting, noir/ expressionist visual styles but I'm not sure that comes through in the script ? Any suggestions to help would be appreciated.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
eerie4  -  February 24th, 2011, 7:29pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 11
CindyLKeller
Posted: February 25th, 2011, 6:33am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1467
Posts Per Day
0.20
Your first post, I see.

You might want to read some scripts. That way more people will read your scripts, too.

You're new, and I figured I'd try and help.

They just talked about FORMAT and the FADE IN on one of the recent SIMPLY RADIO SHOWS on the home page.
Some say there are format nazis. I've been called one for telling people about format, but screenplays are supposed to follow a format.

Start with FADE IN:

When you introduce someone, their name should be in CAPS, followed by a brief description. I'm not sure what the TYS is after the dates (1950TYS) (20TYS) Should be just 1950s or 20s.

You have big blocks of description for one scene.
Everytime the camera looks somewhere else, you should start another block, and try to keep it at 4 lines maximum.

The scientist says, "These are our family members. Our friends. They are not."
Kind of confusing. Maybe you meant, but now they are not or they were our family members.

Also you have (zombie groan) in the scientists speech. So I guess the scientist is a zombie, too?
Unless you meant that the zombie on the table groans???
Not sure, but if you mean the zombie on the table, then write that in a block of description, not in the scientists speech.

There are a lot of typos: tie's should be ties. a cross should be across. eye browns eyebrows. This happens to me, too, and a fresh set of eyes usually finds them.

Not sure why you changed Ted's name to Zed other than him turning into a zombie. No one calls him Zed. He doesn't say his new name is Zed.
But then you call him Ted again on page 13.

The story, well, it's kind of out there, but it doesn't get going until he follows that girl looking for a party.

I don't think you even need the wife or kid. They sleep in Vegas, and are never heard from again. It could just be Ted going to Vegas unless you do some more with those two characters. I think Ted needs some more character development, too though.

You said you wanted that scene in black and white. Just put a line of description to that effect.
Note: This scene in black and white.
Then start another block of description and describe the scene.

Read some scripts here. They will help you with your writing.

I hope I have helped you some.

Good luck,

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 11
eerie4
Posted: February 25th, 2011, 7:29am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.00
Cindy,
First off I want to say thank you for the time and direction. I have read a few of the shorts on here but being the noob on the forum and script writing in general didn’t want to post till had a better grasp of constructive responses.

Thanks for the format tips as this was my fist attempt at a screenplay I must admit I get lost in what the “correct” format is. It seems there are so many rules and exceptions. Then when you read produced scripts they seem to break tons of rules. But again I’m concerned with learning the standards.  I’ll work on the date, name and description break down corrections.

The scientist dialog does read funny. It’s a quote from a classic zombie film and I see my error. As the (zombie moan) was supposed to be from the zombie on the table and it reads like its direction for the scientist. Thanks again big help.  

As for the typos yeah I know! No matter how many times I read it there’s “a lot”. I am a modern student stunted by the technological advancements of the word processor and spell check. Thanks for the catches.

With changing his name it just felt weird to calling him Zombie Ted. Zombie Ted does this, Zombie Ted does that. Just seemed like an easy short hand. As his name is not identified other than in the script.

Ok cool now the fun stuff. The story agreed its weak meant to be "avant garde". Now I have had one other person read it and I got the same feed back.  It doesn’t get going or its slow to start and I should just start it from him winning at the table almost identical to what you’ve said. However I feel like if you cut the family dynamic out of it you lose the sub textual content of what I’m trying to say.
All the interaction with his family is shot through windows or reflections. The way he will look at his daughter directly but she doesn’t look at him and reverse with his wife. She will look at him but he only see’s her reflection. This is all done to show the family dynamic and disconnection using the camera in a short span.  Plus the drive in establishes the radio active area which could be done later I guess.
I don’t know, did I justify leaving it in?

Also you say if I envision the film in black and white I should just say it but I thought it was improper to put camera direction in the script? Now I know I broke that a bit, with putting in the point of view (POV) throughout most of it but I thought that not seeing Ted until he was a zombie was important, almost as if the camera is separated from his view as he is from himself. So I guess just put in the black and white in the first scene description and its assumed that follows throughout or do I need it in each scene heading?

Again thanks for all your help and feed back. I’ll have to check out something you did this weekend for sure.  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 11
leitskev
Posted: February 25th, 2011, 10:55am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3113
Posts Per Day
0.64
Hey Edgar. I have only been here a couple months myself, and have also been learning to format. Keep reading other scripts, read posts from other members helping  out, and keep writing. Correct formatting will start to come.

I read about half this, then I had to stop. I can get by formatting issues, as I am more used to reading novels anyway, and spelling mistakes are not a big barrier for me, but the grammar mistakes started really adding up. You're not too far off, so just keep working at it, do plenty of proof reads before submitting.

And yes, contribute here by reading of course. Good luck!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 11
CindyLKeller
Posted: February 25th, 2011, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1467
Posts Per Day
0.20
Hey Edgar,

If you want the whole film to be in black and white then you can state so before you begin the script.

I'm not quite sure, (I'm doing this reply quickly cos I gotta get back to work. You should look it up in the Screenwriter's Bible) but I think you can do it like this:

FADE IN:

Special note: To be shot in black and white.

BUT you'd probably get some directors P. O.'d by that. They like to figure that stuff out.

I thought you just wanted the casino scene after he got shot with the needle in black and white.

Anyway, I think you should first figure out your story on paper.

After you figure out your story, then you can write your script, and resubmit it to Don.

Cindy



Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 11
Eoin
Posted: February 25th, 2011, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


just another ego maniac with low self esteem

Location
Ireland
Posts
638
Posts Per Day
0.12
If you REALLY want it to be shot in black and white:

(NOTE: The following is to be shot in black and white.)

To me, that's like putting in wrylies and camera angles etc all over your script. Your job as a writer is to paint a picture and tell the story. Allow the director the same courtesy to do his/her job.

Besides, why limit your script like that? The idea is to get it made, isn't it? Allow some else to put their interpretation on it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 11
eerie4
Posted: February 25th, 2011, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.00
"Your job as a writer is to paint a picture and tell the story. Allow the director the same courtesy to do his/her job."

I couldn't agree more but without "putting in wrylies and camera angles" you can direct the minds eye. Like mentioning the clouds in description before a line of action will cause the reader to paint the picture from a high angle. I just thought there might be other tricks to conveying the black & white without flat out saying it.  I want the director to think it was his idea.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 11
Eoin
Posted: February 25th, 2011, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


just another ego maniac with low self esteem

Location
Ireland
Posts
638
Posts Per Day
0.12
Putting in clouds doesn't suggest a camera angle unless it's coupled with other relative information. There is no other way that I know of to suggest black and White unless the director happens to be a dog won't be familiar with the concept of colour when Reading it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 11
ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: February 25th, 2011, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1565
Posts Per Day
0.29

Quoted from eerie4
I couldn't agree more but without "putting in wrylies and camera angles" you can direct the minds eye. Like mentioning the clouds in description before a line of action will cause the reader to paint the picture from a high angle. I just thought there might be other tricks to conveying the black & white without flat out saying it.  I want the director to think it was his idea.


eerie4,  Cindy gave you some good advice.  

Page#35 from the "Screenwriters Bible...

(NOTE:  This scene is shot in BLACK AND WHITE.  It should appear old and scratched as if it originated from a 1950's public information library.   There are intentional JUMP CUTS.)

Of course use your own and call it day.  Despite what some may believe, it's perfectly acceptable.

Good Luck

Ghostie


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 11
eerie4
Posted: February 25th, 2011, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.00

Quoted from Eoin
Putting in clouds doesn't suggest a camera angle unless it's coupled with other relative information.

Well maybe I didn't explain that correctly, let me try again and see if my logic follows as its not something I've ever read.

If I as the writer want to paint the picture and I have a scene that I want to portray as a certain genre... say Noir or spaghetti western. First these genre's are defined visual styles whether that's the low key lighting, B&W and venetian blinds of noir or the extreme high or low angles of spaghetti westerns. For example...

"CHARACTER walks down a dirt road."
"The clouds drift high over CHARACTER as he walks down a dirt road"
"CHARACTER kicks a pebble as he walks down a dirt road"

My thoughts are rather than leave it ambiguous as in the first line the mentioning of clouds as in the second will subconsciously direct the minds eye to view a high angle thus leading the director to come up with the visual style "on his own". Of course the third example being as reference to low angle shot.

So... does that make sense or do I just sound full of it ?...lol

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 11
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006