Spike and Hike by Henry-Clément Sanson - Short - A group of hikers on Scotland's second highest mountain meet an unfriendly friend.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format

Hi, Henry

Dude?! WTH happened to... Where's your title page?
LOL! Anyways...
Always include one, even on these anonymous challenges.

And the FADE IN: left justified and FADE OUT: right justified need to be there, too.

I don't know how the jury of writers feels about including last names when they play no relevance. I dunno. It's odd to me, but... whatever.

Gotta break up those big text blocks, like on page 6. Fairly decent story, so far. Smidge slow and descriptive, though.

p6. LYDIA - We should be quick about [t]his.

Touching friends eulogy moment. Well done.

Umm...
Did you link the correct PDF?
This kinda just fell off the planet.

It was going pretty good before it

Once I saw the Fear Liath More mentioned, I got excited.  And the script gets off to a great start, with the two climbers busting into the cabin, breathless and terrified.  But, uh...where the hell was Bigfoot?

The story is told almost completely in flashback, which was a mistake, IMO.  This took us out of the narrative, out of the sense of danger and into a soap opera type situation with the four climbers.  The idea of someone's ashes becoming flesh is an interesting one, so if you're going to go with that, there was no need to even mention the Fear Liath.

We don't return to the cabin until page 9, so there wasn't much tension built within the cabin as a result.  Then the mad climber appears and we get a slasher ending.  But if the Climber was Alan seeking vengeance, why would he go after all the people in the cabin instead of just Tommy, the guy who apparently murdered him?

Saw a few typos, and you should have given the hikers in the cabins their own names.

So, I liked the setup, but I didn't care for the turn the story took in the long flashback.

The idea of a group bringing their friend's ashes up the a mountain he enjoyed hiking upon is good. And I felt a lot of heart went into this. It did however

Page 9  End of Flashback is indicated, but I didn’t detect a beginning.

>EXT. CABIN - NIGHT

SCREAMS from many voices escape the shattered opening to the cabin, but the WHACKING SOUND of steel meeting flesh is also very loud.

The use of

>is also very loud

Really messes with what I thought was a strong attempt. Probably ran out of time or steam, but still, I can really see the effort that was put into this as in the idea of this phenomenon:

JERRY
It’s just our shadows reflecting
off the mist. Germans call them “brocken spectres.”
The others test this theory by waving, kicking their legs or making other weird motions with their bodies.

MARGE
My broken spectre scared the hell
out of me.

*I didn't know about this kind of thing and I found it interesting.

I think this is a good example for us all too, again to learn from-- where we can
take something from dialogue and write it as a visual.

Can you imagine?! This would be an awesome opening image! And from that too, you might consider changing your title.

Another thing that's crossing my mind is that if you showed this phenomenon as the cause of Alan's death. Also, leaving it up to the reader's imagination as to whether it is indeed just a phenomenon, a play of lights and shadows? Or is it real?

Good work.

Sandra

This one was just another "ok" for me.   Too much telling and not enough showing.   And you couldn't come up with a better name than "Marge?"  Really?    SPOILER - The whole slasher thing didn't work for me.    All in all, excellent format, mediocre story.    Sorry to be harsh.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

"...until he notices the sun is at the wrong angle to cast a shadow behind him"

Probably one of the most unique descriptive lines I've ever read.  How you can show that on film, or how that even dawns on someone for that matter, is another story altogether.

This one was pretty routine.  Kind of a clunky setup, slowish flashback, and a payoff that really didn't work for me.  Was that Alan?  Or was that this Grey Man dude they were talking about?  It really left me with more questions than answers.  And I think an interesting way to reconstruct this story is to lose the hikers/flashback altogether.  Just dive into the story rather than slowly build it up with what IMO I think are filler characters.

Good effort for a week.

Greg

Good job completing the OWC.

Looks like the FADE IN coppers already busted you. So did  the Title Page inspectors.
Early on you call the HIKERS HIKER 1, 2 and 3. When one of them opens his mouth he is suddenly CAMPER 1, yet HIKER 1 has already spoken. He then goes back to HIKER 1 This is one of the reasons why the folks (including myself) like characters with actual names if the characters have speaking lines. Giving characters names instead of gereric hobby or profession lessens confusion and boredom- not just for those who read the script, but those that write it as well.


"WHAT THEY SEE"
An unneeded line. Just show me what they see. The mystery figures stare ay them. Not 'are staring' be careful of those pesty past tense ings.


ANGLE ON JERRY/ HIS POV
Tricky things, these two. I understand as people write the visualize as much as they can, what a scene would look like. When it comes to CAMERA directions, there are very few exceptions, and some will argue none at all. It's best to leave them out altogether. True, you are calling 'angle' put you aren't teliing anyone where to put the camera. BUT if Jerry is the subject of the shot, why have it all? The "camera angle" will be on him anyway.

POVs are, in truth, actually telling a director where to put the camera.


==SPOILERS R US==

While I liked the fact that the story is set in the snowy mountains -and should have been just that- the ending to this is a huge letdown. I know that sometimes what we don't see is scarier than what we do; however there is a buildup to the monster; we see glimpses here and there, but even the monster is revealed in full in the third act or climax.

You had something here, take out the bookends (or at least the HIKER/CAMPERS) and have terror on the mountain. Works just fine. But due to the cabin events (which don't amount to much) it loses effectiveness.

I like the opening very much, it's a classic bit.  The ending could be alright but the way it's written it makes the rest of the story seem pointless.  I think you do a fine job creating atomosphere in the early part of the script, if you decide to make this into a longer work it could be very good.

So the Scottish Bigfoot's name is now...Alan? Good to know!

There is evidence of a good writer in the making. If this is a new writer, the future is promising. But as for the story, I may have missed stuff. Wouldn't be the first time.

So there really was no creature, right? I have to google that legend, that's probably what will explain this to me. Alan died coming down the mountain. His friends are returning with his ashes, even though they recognize he was not a nice guy. But somehow Alan's spirit now has the ability to take physical form, and proceeds to kill his friends for some reason.

Did the Fear Liath somehow...? Nevermind. Thought I had it figured, but can't. Need...more...time...Scotty. I will read again later. Feel free to PM and explain. Meantime, as I said, definitely a solid writer, maybe on the way to being a very good one. Images, voices, action sequences all vivid. Keep working my friend, lots of promise!

How do we know they are laughing at a story?? Anyway, I digress. Strange how you have given no character descriptions at all, not even an age. I can understand how not tying down a specific age might make casting more flexible, but give us an indication, helps paint a picture.

If you're going to use Gaelic, make sure it's correct. It's An. Try Google translate, it's ballpark, but better than nothing. Hiker 1 is now Climber 1, stick to one name. This treads faniliar to another script here, same mountain range etc. All and all well written format wise etc - but it didn't just excite me enough. A nice tale but I wanted more from it. Good work on completing the OWC.

SPIKE AND HIKE * and now available from your local spike and hike store * I liked the setup but barfed at the long flashback * no sense of danger when the spikers are safe in the cabin until the climber (creepy name) enters * maybe some short scenes of the approaching climber * not sure about the WHAT THEY SEE scene heading * I can see an audience sitting in the darkness as the ending in the cabin is heard not seen * that’s the money shot in this script budget be damned

This has a promising premise and sets it all up nicely.

I thought the writer must've been to these mountainis, or has a climbing background? If its just Googled research then good job!

It ends abruptly, so obviously you ran out of time? with a good re-write, this could be a neat little horror short.

This one needs alot of work IMO. Too much time is spent talking about Alan and not building story. I didn't like starting it in the lodge then flashing back without much of the legend explained. I didn't get any creeps from Thomas and Marges lead into the flashback.

If it was Alan exacting revenge on them, I would've liked a better motive on his part. Just because they let him go down K2 by himself? It was Alan's wishes from what I got. i think you need a juicy secret about what really happened on that mountain for them to deserve what they got.

I liked that Alans ashes set this whole thing into motion, though...

Good job writing a script in a week.

James

Rock em sock em setup wasted on buckets of memorial flashback stuff.
Second Grey Man script in a row to show us diddly squat of the beasty.
Spend some of that flashback time showing us why Alan wants some meaty vengeance.
So, I guess the mythology is a ruse here? That's a first for this OWC.
I LoL'd big time at Tommy being jealous over a eulogy, gloriously tacky.
Poor unnamed climbers get splatted by Alan, wrong place wrong time. Meh.
Next draft I want lots more Thunder the Wonder Dog, you're such a tease.

E.D.

A bit much of story was told to us through dialog. Up until page 6 when it all started happening.
I wish it all just happened from the very beginning. The dialog also could be tightened.
When Tommy tell's Lydia Alan's story he's explaining to her the details a bit much I think.
So maybe you could tighten a little or cut.
--just a suggestion.
Good Luck.