Good Ol' Times by Jean-Pierre Chapoteau - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A retired Super-Human wants to relive the past, even if it's just for one night. 6 pages - pdf, format

Jean- Pierre,

I've always been a fan of your work.  But I'm not too sure about this one.    Nothing earth-shattering here.   I guess it is what it is.   Cheap entertainment.   A quick read.

Good job.

I liked it, I enjoyed the twist at the end. Didn't expect it.

I think the scene when the TOUGH TEENS talk about robbing the store is a bit forced, just cut straight to him seeing them do it.

I would also raise the stakes of the police officer... rather than give him a ticket, he should threaten to tow him. THat would really make him move, whereas a ticket might not.

I-ya-yi! I always forget to post the rewrite! Oh well. It's exactly the same, just a few descriptions are clearer.

@ screenrider - whaaaat, you didn't like it man? What about it? It's one of my favorites that I've written so I'd like to hear your opinion.

SPOILER

@ tleisher - right on. I did it to give the reader a sense that he has superpowers, but no one got that anyway. Everyone is always surprised when he hits the guy with "orange blast" I think I'll keep it but try and take some words out. Keep it very simple. Well, did you mean the entire scene felt forced or just what they were saying?

I like the tow idea too.

Quoted from Jean-Pierre Chapoteau screenrider - whaaaat, you didn't like it man? What about it? It's one of my favorites that I've written so I'd like to hear your opinion.

Sorry, JP.  No social redeeming value whatsoever, IMO.   Maybe I'm just burned out on the superhero thing for now.  No fault of your own.   I'm sure many others will enjoy it.   I'm still a fan of your other scripts.   Especially the post-apocolyptic one.  The name escapes me at this moment.

All the best

I think the whole scene felt forced, it just seemed odd that these guys were talking about robbing something. Typically I dont think they would be so outright and blatant about it. Maybe if they were planning something bigger...

But I think if you just have him see a store being robbed, that would be more powerful than him hearing it and going there. I mean, he's already out and about, so he could stumble upon it.

Jean-Pierre,

Not sure how I felt about this one.  Formatting wise, the descriptions felt a little clunky at times, but the dialogue was spot-on.

In terms of story, it comes off as kind of shallow.  Kind of like you just thought it'd be cool to do a turn-around on the audience, and not much else.  I guess what I'm asking is; what are you trying to do with this story?

The complete change-up in tone is too jarring as well.  The extreme violence takes away any empathy we have with the character and just leaves us feeling hollow.  It goes from kind of cute (with the costume visual gags, etc) to horrifying in a matter of moments.  I know that's how you wrote it, but once again, I ask why?

I'd be very interested in hearing your thoughts behind the piece.  What were you going for, how did you want the audience to feel, etc.

-Matt

"No social redeeming quality whatsoever" AND "The extreme violence takes away any empathy we have with the character and just leaves us feeling hollow"

More spoilers.

That was exactly my point. I wanted you to care for this poor fellow that you assumed fought crime, but then have mixed emotions or just plainly get upset that you actually cared for the guy.

"Kind of shallow. Kind of like you just thought it'd be cool to do a turn-around on the audience"

I mean villains get old too, but they don't necessarily change their ways, so I took you into a life of an elderly villain without revealing it to you until the end. He missed being in the action and wanted to go out one more time with a bang. I gave you his ex partners, his love, and his genuine feelings about everything.

And people love or hate the bloody scene. It was needed to completely flip your opinion of the guy.

I'll really take a strong look at it, because if two people are seeing the same thing than maybe I'm doing something wrong.  

Thanks guys.

Quoted from Jean-Pierre Chapoteau That was exactly my point. I wanted you to care for this poor fellow that you assumed fought crime, but then have mixed emotions or just plainly get upset that you actually cared for the guy.

But why?

Quoted from Jean-Pierre Chapoteau I mean villains get old too.

Right, and that's why I was saying the story came off as kind of shallow, because that's really all you want us to take away from it.  I mean, who is this story for?  Is it a drama?  A dark comedy?  What is it meant to make us feel?  Why do you want us to care or not care?

Sorry if this is coming off as sounding harsh, but I'm really just trying to get at the crux of why you wrote the piece.

Some interesting feedback here which I think is valid. I'll go with my original feeling:
I felt that the script worked - there was a bitter sweet element to it, with the guys comrades dropping off one by one. I think the policeman scene moving him on worked well, and played better because he complied with the threat of just a ticket - it made him look more law-abiding. There was a stage where I began to think 'where is this going' but then we had the store scene. I assumed that the guy used his super-powers to hear what the guys said.

Ken's response to Bo in the shop didn't work for me at all - too clumpy. Bo beating the guy's head in really changed everything, but I think a good plot twist like this sometimes needs 'clues-that-we-don't-get' and I didn't see any of them - but on the other hand, I didn't see the turn coming, so I feel it worked well.

As for the motivation angle - it was a nice little vignette, and if that entertains competently, then so be it.

Jean-Pierre,

Thanks for posting, you've submitted some solid stuff before.
This felt like a deleted scene from the Watchmen.
The script feels like it solely exists to play out your twist at the end.
You show several newspaper articles on the wall of Bo's exploits.
I'm sure we could gather his background if you showed the headlines.
Being who he is, Bo probably would have something to say about the superhero on t.v.
Bo feels muted to me because you want to keep his "secret" until the end.

Personally, I prefer character stories than twisty shorts.
I'd rather get to know Bo and feel invested in him as a character.
Getting me interested in an over the hill villain is more intriguing.
Bo's chats with Loretta would be more interesting if they weren't censored for the twist.
However, this story keeps me at arm's length because it has a secret.
For what it is, it works ok. It's just not my cup of tea.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

This is an interesting concept and mostly well-written (a little clunky at times, but no biggie).

I didn't see the twist coming and it left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, which I guess means it did what you intended.  

I'm one of those who didn't care for the bloody scene, but that's just me.  I like that you switched it up on us, but I didn't need the exploding head to tell me he was a bad guy.

Again, the concept is a good one.  I think there's potential to do a lot more with this idea.

Thanks for posting.

Most of the comments other people posted I didn't agree with a lot.

This idea was very original and I liked it that you tried something new. I thought that was the point of the whole entire story.

*SPOILERS*
This had a lot of depth and even though at the end you find out he is a villian. It just makes his character more badass and I liked that.

This didn't come off to me as shallow and I enjoyed it from start to finish.

Keep on the good work.