The Western Horror Show by Isaac Hostettler (ihoss13) - Horror, Western - Midway through the journey to knock over a Union gold shipment, two ill-fated thieves find themselves in a familiar, yet dark town, where they must confront their demons, or be consumed by the inferno that is civil war torn America. A wild west adaptation of Dante’s Inferno. 127 pages - pdf, format

I'm having a hard time getting into this script.

WAY too descriptive.  Simplify things.  You're writing a spec script; leave out the cut to, the dissolves, and the rambling SUPERS.

The story -- what I've gleaned from it so far -- has managed to interest me, but enough to where I'm willing to filter through all the technical gaffes?  Not so much.

Be sure to indicate when you change the name of a character.  In the very beginning the voice over is called FATHER.  When you open on your first image, the character's dialogue becomes SHERIFF.  You didn't stop to mention that change.  Why not just being the VO with SHERIFF (OS) instead of the two different names?

Leave out the incidentals.  This, to me, is a tell-tale sign of an inexperienced writer.  You make it a point to write out every single action, every blink, every pause, every movement.  And I'll say to you what I say to just about every other inexperienced screenwriter I talk to -- KEEP IT SIMPLE.  Give us just enough info to go on and nothing more.  For instance in your Sheriff's dialogue on page 1, you interrupt his lines with parentheticals "looks at his son," "looks at the land," and numerous more instances of such things.  Get rid of them.  They're okay if not over-used but otherwise, let your characters speak.  If something IMPORTANT happens while they're speaking and NECESSITATES a parenthetical, THEN you can add it in.

But again, my biggest complaint is the stage/camera/stylistic direction.  FREEZE FRAME, SUPER, blah blah blah.  You're the writer, not the director.  Tell your story.  Leave the stylistic devices to the people who will be filming it.  Otherwise, you're just making the reading process painful.

Clean it up.  Focus on telling us the story, first and foremost, in a clean, clear manner.  

Keep writing and best of luck -- Lon

EDIT:  One more thing.  Starting your script off in BLACKNESS is perfectly fine.  But once you're ready to get going, you always  -- always, always, always -- type FADE IN:  No FADE IN = sure sign of a novice, and a pro reader will just flip your script closed, toss it aside and move on to the next one.

Sorry it took so long to get back to you, Lon.

First off, I’d like to thank you for the coverage you provided.

Took your advice and made some changes to the script. The updated script should be posted in a few days.  Shaved off a couple of pages. Took out the two “CUT TOs” (I guess I liked the idea of a straight up CUT TO:, in and out of the story, rather than a FADE IN: and FADE OUT)  But don’t worry, I changed them.  I’d hate to go against conventions.

Couldn’t find any “dissolves” though  (I think you made that one up).

Got rid of unnecessary “parentheticals”.  Took out some description, etc.

The reason why I introduce the characters (ex. Sheriff) firstly as their occupation or profession, rather than just their names, is mainly due to symbolism and how their characters will arc later on.  But thank you, I did change FATHER to SHERIFF, so it won’t be so confusing.  Thanks.  I guess I made the mistake of thinking that the (CONT’D) would imply that it was the same character.

You said: “my biggest complaint is the stage/camera/stylistic direction.  FREEZE FRAME, SUPER, blah blah blah.”

About those “Rambling SUPERS”.  Sorry, I can’t take those out. They’re important to the story and character development.  I know it’s a bit unconventional for a writer to superimpose technical style onto his/her script, but I assure I wrote them to develop the story, not to impede on some director’s ego.  I’m dealing with a lot of characters and it was a good way to introduce them quickly into the first act.  It also serves as misdirection and to establish the genre as a neo-spaghetti, as well as symbolism and bla, bla, bla, ect.  You get the point.  Although, I see where you are coming from, if you only read the first couple pages.   Judging a book by its cover, a tell-tale sign of an inexperienced “pro-reader”.  But no worries.  I’m going to test the SUPERS out and see how people respond to them.

But if you can’t get passed my intro and “rambling SUPERS” and you still want to read my script, try starting on page 9 where you see  “SUPER: The Western Horror Show”

Again, thanks for your coverage, Lon.  Appreciate it.


Regarding anybody else who was afraid of my first couple pages. Or who wasn’t inspired by my logline, here’s a short synopsis of the story. Maybe it will help to inform you further as to whether you want to read it.


_________
Synopsis

“They say it’s coming.” A spark has ignited in Specter. Fear and doubt lingers over the Utah territory, and conflict resonates in the hearts of its citizens. Purists and sinners draw their sides. Divided, the sickness of civil war looms over the souls of free men. Tension births rumor, rumor gives way to truth, and one truth is certain. “It is coming.”

Midway through the journey to knock over a Union gold shipment, Johnny Specter and his partner, Two-Fists, find themselves passing through a dark place; the prospecting town of Specter, which Johnny’s assassinated father chiseled from the untamed Utah wilderness. Down on their luck, they must lie, cheat or steal passage onto the train to San Francisco.

They have one day to round up the money or they will miss the train and “untold fortune”. However, rumors of confederate movements and disease lurks around every corner and down each alley. The Specter, Johnny remembers, is unfamiliar, divided and desperate, suffering under the wait of war. A reflection of the conflict resonating in the heart of Johnny (Dante).

Out of the frying pan and into the fire. Set in the Wild West, this satiric depiction of “Dante’s Inferno” is a suspenseful character driven neo-spaghetti that collides with an action adventure/apocalyptic horror. “Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid” get jumped by both “The Warriors” and “The Crazies” and then thrown into the “Heart of Darkness”.

The glut of western type characters, we meet along this hell bound journey, serves to establish this piece, firstly, in the western genre. But as they arc, they reinvent themselves as unique to the western/horror pigeonhole. Highly developed characters work to heighten horror but also to play their ill-fated (not supernatural) roles in Dante’s Inferno.

As we discover, the idea of Dante spans several protagonists, who share a similar fate. Fate being what brings them (Dante) together, but the Furies are what forces them through and around the circles of hell, nipping at their heels. Who will survive the train ride of terror? Who climbs free of the hell that can only be described as, “THE WESTERN HORROR SHOW”.
___________



Not sure if anybody has read my script, but any coverage would be helpful. Looking for someone to “kill my baby”. Please. I’m willing to do the same. Just let me know what you want me to read. Thanks.

Quoted from ihoss   I was only expecting to get some coverage (and that hasn't been easy).

The best way to get reads is to give them.  Full reads too, mind you.  I haven't gotten to your script yet because I've been busy and haven't really been doing any reads, but I'll admit, I'm hesitant because 1.) you never finished my script and 2.) it seems you've got a hefty amount of formatting problems, (including a first act that doesn't start until page 9?).  The last time I did a favor - giving someone a read of their feature after they only read my short - it turned out badly.  She went crazy on me and employed a lot of the sarcasm you've aimed at John.

Stuff like that, coupled with the lack of reads on your part, make people hesitant to crack open a 120+ script.

Just my two cents.

Yeah, Isaac, Dressel and everyone else here are completely correct in what they're saying.

Your script has major problems everywhere and will not be an easy read for anyone, based on that.

You're expecting reads and feedback but it doesn't look like you're offering any of that on your own to others.  It's the old quid pro quo deal here all the way, especially for "new" members.  You want reads and feedback, you've got to do alot of the same on your own before you can expect return favors.  And just because you do read and comment on other scripts, that does not guarrantee you the same in return unless you set that deal up beforehand, and as Dressel said, that doesn't always work either.

Hope this makes sense.

Yeah, I’m pretty new to this board, and I’m still figuring out how it works exactly.   I’ve been looking over other people’s scripts, but it’s hard to know who will actually do the same.  So I’ve been trying to be selective, with what I read. (Time consuming)  But if you’re willing to at least read past my opener, I’d be willing to finish your script.  I have some free time now, so I’ll get on it.

One thing that would be helpful would be to know what questions you have about your script.  What type of coverage you want me to focus on while I read through it.  I should probably do the same with my own script.  Just write out a list of questions that I feel are most important.  I skimmed through your discussion board and I don’t remember seeing any questions that may have been most import to you.   (Otherwise you may get a fairly generalized critique from me)


About my script:

I wrote the Intro as an opener (A montage with a few breaks).   I really only wanted it to last about 4-6 minutes screen time but it’s hard to write that out.  SUPERS: eat up a lot of paper, etc. (but I think their important)   But so far, the intro’s been a colossal failure.  I don’t think anybody’s even been able to read past it.  (I wanted to start out with a bang! Something new and edgy, but I think everybody who sees it automatically turns and runs.)  And without a doubt, if no one can read past it, I should change it, but I was hoping for someone to read to the end of the story, (or at least further than Lon) and then tell me it wasn’t necessary, before I change it.   That would be helpful.  Page 9 is where the opener ends, and I feel I’ve had enough coverage on it so far.  (So if I’m only going to get ten pages out of you, I would rather you just start at page 9 (Super: The western Horror show) .  Thanks.

You mentioned formatting problems. (could you give me an example?)

Isaac, who are you responding here to?

As I said, don't just assume that if you read someone's script, they'r going to return the favor in full.

And, you may think you know what you want feedback on, but everyone has a different style when it comes to feedback.  So, you basically have to take what you get and be grateful for it.

Thanks dreamscale, i working on that?  You want to do a swap too.  I do live near steamboat, you know.   I thought it was kind of cool that that was your script's location.  (haven't read it though) However, not sure you need anymore more feedback than what you've already gotten.  let me know if you do?

the earlier post was to dressel

Quoted from ihoss Yeah, I'm pretty new to this board, and I'm still figuring out how it works exactly.   I've been looking over other people's scripts, but it's hard to know who will actually do the same.  So I've been trying to be selective, with what I read. (Time consuming)  But if you're willing to at least read past my opener, I'd be willing to finish your script.  I have some free time now, so I'll get on it.

It's best to browse through the features and see who regularly posts.  If they regularly post, odds are they'll give your script a read in return.  It can't hurt to send them a PM either to verify if you want to make sure you get your return read.  BUT, for most, it's standard operating procedure that if someone takes time to read yours, you should read theirs.  My only hesitation was reading yours due to the fact that you only read half of mine and haven't really been present on the site besides that.

Quoted from ihoss One thing that would be helpful would be to know what questions you have about your script.  What type of coverage you want me to focus on while I read through it.  I should probably do the same with my own script.  Just write out a list of questions that I feel are most important.  I skimmed through your discussion board and I don't remember seeing any questions that may have been most import to you.   (Otherwise you may get a fairly generalized critique from me)

Ehh, I'd really just rather hear your general impressions of the script as they come, instead of outlining what I want to hear from you.  It works better that way.

Quoted from ihoss Page 9 is where the opener ends, and I feel I've had enough coverage on it so far.  (So if I'm only going to get ten pages out of you, I would rather you just start at page 9 (Super: The western Horror show) .  Thanks.

Ok, I'm going to start on page 9 then and treat that as the first page.


EDIT: Actually, now that I think of it, read the last thing I wrote on The Other Man's board and keep that in mind when you review.

Isaac, I assume you're referring to my Fade to White script, right? It actually takes place in Durango, Co for the vast majority of the script.  The intro does take place in Steamboat, and the last scene takes place in Phoenix.

Yeah, I really don't need anything on that script, although you're more than welcome to read it if you'd like, and I bet it would help with some of your formatting errors and the like.

I'll tell you what...I'll look over your script here, but in no way am I guaranteeing you I'll get all the way through it.  I'll try and throw out some advice that should get you on the right track.

I'll take your advice on PMing ect. Thanks

I can give you a general response. No prob.

If you start on page nine. keep in mind that i introduce nearly all the characters before 9.  So  as you start on page 9, you will be confused as to who they are.  oh well

thanks dreamscale.  yeah i only read   "EXT.  STEAMBOAT SPRINGS, CO. - EVENING "

I'll give it a read after Dressel

Again the previous post was to Dressel, sorry.

dreamscale

Yeah i was referring to "fade to white". Thats the only script i've seen of yours.  Would you rather me read another one?

Thanks for offering to look my script over.  It's slow at first, but it picks up in the second act. i promise.  

Thanks again.

Isaac, don't bother with any of my scripts (yes, there are more posted here), as I can tell already I'm not going to get very far with yours.  There are numerous issues/problems that make this a tough read, right off the bat.

I will provide some feedback that should help, and I'll read over Lon's feedback and see if I agree or not.

I'm Jeff, BTW.