Chinese by Simon Colligan (SiColl007) - Short, Drama - A guy sets up a restaurant after being made redundant. 60 pages - pdf, format

Simon,

I wanted to rescue this script before it slipped off the portal and disappeared into the abyss.   I got about 20 pages into it before I had to set it down.   Just wasn't for me.   Too slow, IMO.  But I'm  curious as to what your motivation was for writing this story.   Don't take this the wrong way but it just seemed like a really odd choice of subjects to write about.    Surely you've got your reasons so I'd like to hear them.   Thanks.

Also, the logline needs work, IMO.   But good job for trying something different.

All the best

PS - This is the second negative review I've given today.   I hate doing this.

The logline has got to be in the TOP 10 WORST LOGS of all time!

Sorry...but it really is horrendous...

...and at 60 frickin' pages?  Are you kidding me?

Michael...if it's any good, you better sell it now, brother!!

OK - I can can work on the logline - it was a bit lazy. Not too sure I get the "...60 frickin' pages?  Are you kidding me?" bit... (remember I'm a Brit now - am I missing something..?).

And on that point, it is a particularly british drama, designed for brit TV and this is quite different from US stuff - yes it does tend to be a lot slower.

My motivation? Credit crunch in short. A lot of people were getting made redundant (wrote it last year), and what do you do? Some people take a bit of a made risk, and try and set up a restaurant - so this was the crux of the story, the challenge behind it; and the rub was the Lao's financial situation which was soon to be relieved. I felt that this gave both sides enough motivation (Rob clearly feels he has found a gap in the market).

I agree it probably is too slow for the American market - but nonetheless, I do find any feedback to be productive, so thanks.

Hi Si.

I've read the first 4 pages. Please don't be offended but...your logline seems to sum up the story. Usually thats ok. But people watch TV or film to be 'entertained'. There's various ways we can be 'entertained' - and that includes enjoying a drama based on real economic events etc - as long as we are entertained.

But - to refer to your post above - "Some people take a bit of a made risk, and try and set up a restaurant - so this was the crux of the story, the challenge behind it; and the rub was the Lao's financial situation which was soon to be relieved. I felt that this gave both sides enough motivation (Rob clearly feels he has found a gap in the market)".

Si - I've got my own boring job and real life going on. I don't really want to read more of your story because it seems to be about the shit I try to escape from by watching films & TV.

Sorry, I don't mean to be rude. (If a bunch of zombies attacked the restaurant, or this Lao dude sprouted bio-guns from his eyeballs -- I might continue).

Many years ago I wrote something based around quirky episodes that happened in a place I was working at the time. It felt flat, didnt work as a story. I learned from it, though. Just wanted to add something positive.

Your formatting and writing seems fine, BTW. No problems there from the few pages I read.

Hi - thanks Basket - I get your drift entirely - wasn't offended - your post made me laugh. Funny thing is, I've said that line myself - it is about entertainment.