The Homeschooled Boy by Khamanna Iskandarova - Short - A homeschooled boy wants to be one of the guys. ...feel normal. 7 pages - pdf, format

Homeschooled * a hazing reveals why a boy is homeschooled * good misdirection on this one * BEN was a good character acting and talking like a real boy * PARKER was a touch less so * perhaps because of his holding back a secret * at the end PARKER redeems his “boyness” when he asks if he’s still a member * I’m not sure I buy BEN’S acceptance of PARKER given what he did to the sister * there were a few places where I lost the trail * not sure why * overall good job of portrayal of youth and misdirection

This was an interesting piece, Khamanna, though I had to read it twice to understand what was happening.  Your very first description--the list--confused the hell out of me.   You should mention that 'Devils' is written underneath the letterhead, followed by the name.

SPOILER

You need to do a little more when Parker tells Ben to go home.  I wasn't sure what you were doing with this, or where you were going.  You should drop a hint for us that Parker has powers.

The story, itself, was good.  A boy with special abilities is hidden by his parents.  And he grows up hungry for friendship.  Depending on what direction you would take this, it could be a very nice feature.


Phil

@grademan - thanks for the read. I wonder where you lost trail - I do think this might be confusing at places but can't know for sure what places. It was supposed to happen in 5 min real time - that was the requirement. I think if I get rid of Ben going down the stairs, etc (I did this to keep to requirement, I couldn't have any cuts in a script) it would be better. Forgot to exclude it before submitting.
Ben's acceptance - better pacing would help Ben's acceptance maybe - that's easy, I'll take care of that.
He did that to Irene without even knowing. Also she's not that bad, just her nose bled a little - might be a little muddled too, need to work on it some. Thanks.

@Phil - thank, I appreciate it.
The very first description - I had something else at first. Really hoping someone will tell me exactly how, because I did my best with it. Or maybe I'll return to it in a month and will see the way, but right now I have no idea how to clear that up. But that's been an issue before and I see I haven't succeeded. I do need to do a little more or Ben decides to go home too abruptly. I don't think revealing the powers will help the story although I see what you're saying. The downside of it - the reveal/twist will be lost I think. Thanks.

Hello Khamanna,

I'm always pleased to see new material from a regularly contributing member.
I really like the premise of a boy on the outside wanting in a social club.
It's a very easy premise to readers to relate to one side or the other.

I must confess though your execution caused me to read the story twice.
I didn't see the need for the letterhead, which confused me at first.
Ben could easily relay that information through opening dialogue.
Something like he shouldn't consider someone who doesn't go to their school.
Just because Parker is his new neighbor, there's no special treatment.
Parker pleads for just one chance to be one of the boys in the club.
To me, that's more character centric, than a document.
I know it's telling, not showing, but I can see the boys naturally doing that.
And it also tells us, that Parker is new to the neighborhood.
His folks may have had to move because of a previous mysterious incident.

The initiation itself was unclear to me.
All Parker had to do was open a door? Not much of a test there.
I'm unsure if Ben just happened to emulate a situation his sister was experiencing.
Or if Parker made the sister emulate the scene Ben staged.
Or if Parker saw what was naturally happening to the sister projected onto Ben.
That set up needs clarity to add punch to your story.

It's a nifty vehicle to forge a friendship between these two boys.
I hope you develop this script, I like the idea a lot. Thanks for sharing.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Hey K, gave your short a read.

Here are my thoughts...

I really dislike the title...just doesn't work at all for me.

I do like the premise of your story...BUT...the execution of your writing kinda buries the positives.

Like another reader, I was completely baffled by the opening.  The wording is so unclear, it's just impossible to understand.  After multiple reads, I can assume what it is your after here, but it's poorly executed on the page.

For me, this kind of poor and awkward wording and phrasing is evident throughout the script, and really drags it down.

Story-wise, I think it's rather interesting...maybe even well conceived.  It's heavily trodden territory though and needs more unique touches to make it work.

Either way, I'd say it's the best writing I've seen from you all in all.  Just keep working to smooth out your writing and make it easier for everyone to understand exactly what you're trying to say.  Good job.

@ED
Thanks Brett,
The initiation - Parker sees blood on the floor, doesn't scream or calls the police - this is by the way what I would do - but goes up to the door. Although I do understand what you're saying. I guess I'm asking you to suspend disbelief here and just go with it.
Thanks, I'll surely think about that first paragraph. Thanks for the idea to scratch it off completely. I can do that and also delete all the references to that particular school and it will work as well. Good advice! Thanks.

@Jeff,
Jeff, I'm sorry to say what I'm about to say to you but I strongly feel like I should.

First let me applaud your attempt to keep the tone TACTFULLY condescending. Now I'll translate what you just said and expose what's implied here:

"K, the premise is trite, the story is okay, not original, rather trite but okay. I still say this is good for you, since I must factor in your potential."

This is how it read by all including me - so you pretty much succeeded here.

I'm only saying this for you (I was trying hard to keep quiet with you) and for the well-being of this site. If you want to keep it up please just don't talk to me. --this is not the first time you hear that and that's a well known fact.

Please do not be sarcastic in your further comments to what I wrote here. I'm not initiating the war here, I'm just letting you know in a straight forward but respectful way.


By the way, you may see, I took in your complains on the opening very well. I can take criticism just not the other stuff.

HUH?  Where did that come from...and why?

You sure read alot into what I wrote, yet took none of the constructive criticism, even though others have said the same thing.

In what way was anything I said condescending?  Trite?  Twice?  I didn't use or imply that word...and you used it twice.

Who "all" read it the way you did?

K, I really don't get you.  You've had a problem with me dating back to the 7 week challenge last year, and for some reason, you just can't get over the negative feedback you received from me.  Kinda sad, actually, but I guess i understand...or at least will try to.

I've read and commented on a bunch of your work and I always try to give you advice that is meant to help you as a writer.  I don't think you've ever returned the favor, and you always take issue with what I say, even though it's spot on and 100% the truth.

I made a few comments on the challenge you and Ray just had and you once again didn't like what I had to say and questioned me to provide detail...I did, but it doesn't seem to matter with you.

You've said numerous times that you are a terrible editor and don't even see glaring issues when they're right in front of you and obvious to everyone else.  I would think you'd appreciate a little help and an extra set of editor's eyes.

Guess I'm way off base with that assumption.  My apologies...I'll stay away from your posted work in the future, as you obviously don't need any constructive criticism or feedback from me.

Hi, Khamanna

Maybe it's just because I finished watching LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, but the supernatural flavor of this story strikes a chord.

I think you've captured the voice and mentality of "stupid little kids" very well.
"Fraternities". Initiations. Fake blood. Rubber vomit. Challenge is only to open a door.
Stupid little kids.
Bless their little hearts.

Pg 1
                    BEN
     That’s you. We meet at my place -
     right next door from here.

followed by this line on page 3

                    PARKER
     --Ben. You have to go home. Now.
     You have to, you hear?! Have to.
I thought they were already in Ben's home.
Oh, wait. I get it.
They MEET for the Devils Fraternity at Ben's but the "toughy " test is still at Parker's.
Gotcha.
Brave of Ben to go squirting fake blood about someone else's house.
Stupid kids.

And I'm pretty sure you don't need the double dashes before --Ben. You have to go home. Now.
Parker hasn't even interrupted Ben.
Now, on page 6 you do it plausibly fine. I think DJ does it this way, too.

Top half of page 4, I painfully appreciate the razor rapid turn childhood relationships can take that you've voiced Ben with here.

Pitch black. Ben frowns.
That's going to be kind of difficult to shoot. A frown, or otherwise, in pitch black.

Why does Ben say "Parker?" when he enters his own home?
The door is difficult to slide open. Whoopie doo.
The light has to be turned on. Whoopie doo, too.
There's blood on the floor. Alright! Now we have something to be concerned about.
But Park's still back over at his own place.
So... whassup?

Love the page 5 frantic dash up the stairs just to stop and poke open the door. LOL! Stupid kids.

What's the referee's ruling on punctuation after the FADE OUT?
Usually it's a colon, sometimes just a period.
(FADE IN & FADE OUT are both superfluous, so they both just irritate me.
Why don't we also include HAVE A NICE DAY! and EAT YOUR VEGETABLES! and FLOSS YOUR TEETH!?
Idiots. Some traditions I loathe.

The supernatural mechanics of "Parker sees something and it's mirror transferred/duplicated to someone else" kinda needs to be addressed.
See fake stuff and real stuff happens?
What happens if Parker sees silk flowers and gets excited? Do real flowers pop up somewhere?
What if he sees a boob job? (I know! They're little kids, just the principle is what I'm interested in) and gets excited (I do!). Does some other random chick elsewhere get real boobs all of a sudden?
Yeah, I know it's a short.
Yeah, it was for another project.
I'm just wondering.
(Yes. I know I'm something of a fruitcake. Nuts and bolts. Deal.)  


I like your pitiful little Parker kid.
I agree that this set up has an X-Men quality feature potential.

@Hi Ray,
Thanks for taking a look. Thanks for letting me know what confused you - I'll cheat, I think, I'll have Parker's house/Ben's house in the slugs. I don't know if it's cheating but when I was writing it I suddenly decided so.

About Fade Out - I don't even know, have to look it up. Thanks for pointing that out.

Parker's power - blood scared him, silk flowers or boob job wouldn't. If he saw blood and Irene was not in the house nothing would happen I guess.

For some reason I just love writing about friendship between two little boys. Feature - no plot comes to mind. Maybe someday I'll write a feature about two different little boys though. My hands are itchy

Thanks.

@Jeff
You're wrong on two accounts:
1. I've read and commented on a bunch of your work as well including a couple of pisstakes. 7WC - you read only 10 pages, that's no big deal. "I don't think you've ever returned the favor" - this is simply not true! I've commented on the pisstake for your Oct 2010 OWC entry and in my comment I compared it to you other pisstake done for another OWC (vegetarian vs. carnivore one). When I remember your entry about teenagers at a graveyard, where they met an old man...- I commented on it too. I commented on your White women and although I'm not sure but possibly on the OWC run by M. Cornetto.
I did read a lot of your story for 7WC but felt like not finishing it as I got bored. You stopped reading mine at p10  and I didn't want to write for yours "you know I'm not reading any more of this..." so I decided to keep quiet.

2. "I'll stay away from your posted work in the future, as you obviously don't need any constructive criticism or feedback from me" - whatever you wrote here is not constructive, sorry.

Post deleted by bert for namecalling.

Quoted from Dreamscale, Post #7 I'll stay away from your posted work in the future...

Life would be so much easier if people would actually adhere to this when they say it.

Hi Khamanna,

I actually read this a few days ago but forgot to comment.  

I think it's a cool idea you've got here but I felt myself floating around in the middle of it trying to grasp what exactly was going on.  The big deal that was made of Parker trying to get Ben to go home and her being in trouble -- I had to reread it to make sure I got it and even when I thought I got it I wasn't sure I absolutely got it.  You've got a lot of room to play with to better flesh it out; maybe add a couple pages so there isn't that confusion.  

It's a cool idea.  Good job.

Greg

Thanks Greg - I see what you're saying and agree, better pacing would help. I'll read your short today and tomorrow too - curious about it already. And congrats on the Scorsese Club being featured as the script of the month and on Babz picking it up, it's about boys, surely must be good...

I liked this Khamanna.

But for some reason, and I'm not exacly sure why, I had to read some things twice. (maybe cause I just got in from work and was tired lol )

But getting past that it had a "kinda creepy" feel about it. And like others have said maybe you could expand it to feature length. I know I'm not adding much to what others said.
I'm just getting off the floor myself writting these and dont really feel qualified to nick pick someone elses work.
But I think this is pretty good for what you were trying to do with it.

Thanks Hugh. I think everyone who watches movies is qualified to nit pick
"But for some reason, and I'm not exacly sure why, I had to read some things twice." - I'll do something about it.
I'm glad you liked it!