Gods Light by Harley Wolfe Jr. (Hugh Hoyland) - Short, Dark Fantasy - On Judgment Day Gods light will show the way.  15 pages - pdf, format

This script went on way too long.  And, after thirteen pages, I have no idea what you were trying to say with it.  Okay, you express your interpretation of judgment day and religion, but this was just not a good read.  It seemed very unfocused.

You could actually delete the first four and a half pages and start your story when Jason comes out of his bomb shelter.  Your entire voice over conversation in your first pages is completely unnecessary and would be confusing on the screen as you don't name who is talking.

Jason was a very dull and over-the-top character.  And all the other characters need top be fleshed out.  They all sound alike.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Hi dogglebe.

I have to admit this one is a bit "off the cuff". Got the idea after reading a few of the Gnostic Gospels.

They have a unique view of creation (Matter trapping spirits) and "God" IMO. Those gospels state that Jehovah the creator is indeed "A" god, but a lesser one.  

But at first he believed he was the ONLY true God. Later he found out and thats why he's jealous now. lol  (Not saying I believe this necessarily either)

Thought I could make a twisty kinda ending with that angle.

Needs some work indeed and I see your points for sure (better character ect.), thanks for reading it!

(Will check out your work as well asap!)

Hey Hugh.

I'm only going to read this one until I get to the first typo.

Oh, no.  THE TITLE!

Shouldn't it be God's Light with an apostrophe, or did you intend it for the no apostrophe?

I just just kidding about reading until the first typo, too.  I read the whole thing already.

Creatively, I thought the story was interesting.  I thought it was going to go one way but it went another, so it caught me off guard.

I think my main problem with this was the dialogue was forced and too 'on the nose'.  It kind of read like a children's play. (not that a children's play would ever tackle this theme)  Especially with the narrator and God and the archangel and stuff.

Also, aren't Lucifer and Beelzebub one and the same, just a different word for the devil?

But, I commend you on tackling what I think would be a tough issue to write about.  I imagine there might be some people who have some strong feelings about the outcome of this.

- Mark

I really enjoyed this. I have to disagree with Phil on the first few pages. I think they set up the story very well. Mark is right, it is brave to write about something like this that a lot of people will have strong feelings about. I mean, theologically, it's not something that I could get on board with, but as a piece of fiction, it is very interesting and well thought out. Apart from some typos (should be forehead, not for head), I dig it.

Hi rc1107!

Thanks for the read!

Me and  the Apostrophe dont seem to be getting along right now lol. Will have to work on that.

Agreed, I could work on the dialogue a bit more, I can see why it might come off stale. And also add more depth to the main character for sure.  

I could be wrong but I always thought that Beelzebub was Lucifers right hand man. But I'll explore that more.

I tend to like stories that have a nice twist to them. I thought this may be something that could make that effect. Agreed, it needs more work.

Again thanks for the read and I'll return the favor asap! (gotta sleep, worked last night lol)

Hi Jerry!

I'm very glad you did enjoy this! As you know when someone complements your work you cant help but feel good, Thanks!

As far as the story, it was something I felt was out of left field and strange. And your right, I dont present it as factual, only fiction. And I hope some dont take it personal.

It Could use some cleaning up though no doubt.

Thanks for reading! and I'll be returning the favor as well as soon as I get a little free time!

Hello Harley,

I enjoyed reading this especially since what is truth is indeed subjective and this story handles that topic very well.

I don't think you need to develop Jason's character in this particular story as a short; however, if you develop it into a feature, then absolutely. This story is quite unique in that the lesser god, though fully operational, isn't G-d at all, but he's deceived those trapped in matter into worshiping him. I completely get this, but I also question whether the real G-d allows this in order for souls to self realize due to the fact that-- my favorite quote:

A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.

And one can't know perfection until one knows its opposite.

But back to your story.

There are some typos. Some problems with your slugs like when he goes from his living room downstairs and there isn't a new slug when he gets there. None of that matters though. What you've got here to me is understandable.

I think you can work on painting more, the image of Sophia. Also perhaps, (I'm not really sure about this though) using some voice over with "In the beginning... etc." to bring us into the mode of the gnostic mind set. What is exposed later, why not expose it earlier? Then when the lesser god is introduced, really show him. Show the stuff he's made of.

I'm glad that I took the time to read your script today.

Sandra

Hi Sandra!

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this!

And it is so cool you enjoyed it! Makes me happy, thanks. :]

No doubt I would have to develop Jasons character quite a bit if I expanded this into a feature.  

Wow you have some very intersting ideas there particularly the trapped souls  and "A known mistake is better than an unknown truth".

I think thats possibly what the Gnotics where trying to convey. Will read more about that.  

I would also like to expanding the image of Sophia, as I get the feeling thats a very very important aspect of the Gnostic text.

Totally understand what you mean about exposing those elements earlier. I'll work on that as well.

As far as the structure, ect, practice is what I need! lol

I'm glad you read this and I will indeed return the favor! Thanks again! :]

Hey!
I just joined this site and was browsing around when I noticed this and gave it a lookthrough. Gotta say I'm pretty impressed. I thoroughly enjoyed it, especially the twist at the end. Although I think Jason could use a just a little more development.

Hi Colton!

Thanks for the reading and Im glad you enjoyed it!

Yeah If I make this into a feature in the re-write Jason will have more depth. Will almost have to lol

Welcome to the board, I'm kind of new as well. If you have something written put it up and I'll return the favor.

Again thanks :]