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This Little Gift of Mine by Louise Lee Mei (loulou) - Short, Thriller, Drama - A young girl discovers the real meaning behind her psychic curse. 11 pages - pdf, format
I noticed you mentioned this script on rc1107's thread "A Few Will Find This Difficult", so I had to take a look. All I can say is this story is a trip. Creative-wise I really liked it. But format wise it's got many problems. I'm not a format guru, so I'm not even gonna attempt to point out the problems, but I think if you compare your script to a few others you'll easily see where you're going wrong.
But again, I just want to reiterate creatively speaking this story is pretty cool. There's some deep stuff going on here. Sorry, I can't be more help at this time. Hopefully others will chime in and offer you more insight.
This was quite a trip. There are two things that really stood out to me as driving forces that pushed the story in opposite directions. The first is that this is deep and I'm not entirely sure I got the whole thing. What I gathered is that this woman is basically in two different worlds and this incident she had allowed her to fully cross over into one of them. That's what I got. The other thing which plays a key role here is that this read slow for a short. The wording I think can be much simplified in the descriptions and there's a good amount of typos. One or two you go by but as they keep surfacing they start to become potholes on the page.
A good technical cleanup would do wonders for this. It's a trippy story for sure but there's something good there.
I will definitely have to go back and check the formatting. I'm using a program called Celtx, so I'm sure if it's the program or my silly excited little mind glossing over things.
It does sound like you guys got the concept but it was not as clear as it could be. In a nutshell, Everline's psychic ability is being in more than one dimension at a time simultaneously. What turns her gift into a curse is the drugs and alcohol she uses to cope with her life. She unable to control her destinations. So in essence she is in the hotel room, the park and her flashback (in the bar) all at the same time. She can go anywhere and do anything and bring it into the present moment.
I read this and it is definitely imaginative, but honestly it was quite tough to follow. I didn't pick up on a lot of what you intended. But I think that if things were made a bit clearer the story has potential.
Do you have experience writing short stories or novels? It seems as though you are experienced in writing, though not so much in this format. You have a lot of prose-like description that could be taken out here without hurting the story. I agree with Greg that it reads quite slow, and this is the main reason.
As to the formatting, it's just a couple of things. First, you need to include V.O. in brackets when you use them. The other big issue is your use of the ellipsis. While it is technically correct to use an ellipsis with double spacing in general writing, in screenplays it's encouraged to not have it spaced like that. So just (...) is perfectly fine. You also don't need to space before you begin the ellipsis, just straight after the word is fine. You have some instances where you've used 4 periods and 2 in others, so that needs cleaning up. And an instance where you've begun the ellipsis on one line and continued it on the next. You can't have this.
In a lot of these instances you don't need to use an ellipsis at all. You can write in broken sentences in dialogue and it's not a problem. The other option you've got is to use a double dash (--) which you'll often find used in description and dialogue. It just helps speed up the pace a little and saves some space, and you'd be better off using it here in the majority of cases.
It takes a little while to change your writing techniques and adapt them to this medium, but you'll get the hang of it. It's certainly not bad for a first script. Keep reading plenty of other scripts and you'll speed up the learning process.
Pixie girl leans over Everline and softly kisses her on the lips.
That's exactly what I needed to get the images of my last story out of my head. You're awesome!
Actually, I liked this story and it was all mainly because of the imagery. And it could all be done (for the most part, I think) on a cheap budget, so I'm sure it'll appeal to some of the directors out there.
However, there are some things I feel that can be brushed up in the script. (And also cleared up, story-wise.)
Trojan made the point about the ellipsis'. A lot of them, if not all of them, were unnecessary and could be replaced with either a comma or the double-dash. And Greg alluded to the typos, which usually I don't mind, but there were a couple too many for comfort.
It was a little bit of a thick read, and a lot could probably cut down to make the read smoother. I do a lot of overwriting myself so I probably have no room to talk, but I can give you a couple example of what could have been cut down.
Your opening description, for instance.
"EXT. PARK - DAY The bright midday sun shines down a picturesque deserted park. The setting is serene, as the sound of the soft wind rushes against the trees."
It might read better like this.
"EXT. PARK - DAY Serene. Soft wind rustles the leaves in the trees. The bright sun shines down."
See how it takes your 25 words and cuts it down to 14 without losing the image? There was no reason to use 'midday' since you have DAY in your slug. There was no reason to say 'deserted' since Everline and two children are there we found out later. You didn't have to use the phrase 'The sound of' since we know that 'rustling' is a sound anyway. And using the word 'picturesque' isn't that bad, but parks are always picturesque anyway, so it becomes slightly extraneous. If they weren't picturesque, it would just be called the woods. :-)
Like I said, I overwrite a lot, too, but paying attention to those little things can make a read so much more smooth.
I'm going to go back and take a read again. Because when I read this lastnight, I thought the story dealt with more of crossing over into the afterlife (which is what I thought the park was.) I guess I did miss something along the way.
So I'll go back and take a second look to see if I get a better understanding.
Like I said, I really liked the visuals a lot in this. Just a good editing will clean a lot of the scripts up. I'll talk to you in a bit.
Thanks Trojan, actually I have only been practising writing screenplays for the last two years. Before i never really wrote much.
Okay, so the prose like descriptions have to go. With Mark's excellent example I think I got it. A smooth read is consistent with economical descriptions.
With the ellipsis I have seen a couple of screenplays that use them in (...) without the spaces. I was a little unsure if this was correct or not. Thanks for pointing that out Trojan. There has got to be a formatting website that tells you all this stuff somewhere out there?
Glad, I'm able to help your overactive mind Mark with my lesbian depiction! Haha! Yes, the film is about Crossing Over to the afterlife. The park, the door, represents certain death. I'm going to go through with a fine toothed comb. Can you repost new drafts of scripts in this forum?
Yep, just submit it the same way you did before, but with the new file, and in the 'Anything else? Comments? Questions?' box, just make sure to let Don (the Administrator) know that it's a new draft of a script that's already been posted.
I just gave this one a read. I'm afraid that most of the things that I picked up on have already been mentioned, so I won't have much to add but I wanted to drop in and say that with a re-write implementing some of the suggestions that you've received above, this could turn out to be a nice piece.
As others have mentioned, this reads a little longer than 10 pages, and as others have pointed out, I think that is because of the novel type prose. I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about that as I think it's something that a lot of people, myself included, struggle with from time to time. My take on it is essentially that it's all right from time to time, but you have to pick and choose your spots. I think Mark gave you some terrific advice and a great example of what you should be shooting for.
I also wanted to comment about the V.O. I think towards the end it got a bit stilted, and that also affected the read for me. For example you write:
EVERLINE V.O . . to save . . . The life drains from her eyes. EVERLINE V.O . . myself.
I get the vibe that you are going for, but I think with something like this, you might be better off combining the two lines into one. I guess it's not a big deal, but I think it would lend itself to a smoother read.
Anyway, I do think you have a very interesting concept here. I think a re-write incorporating the suggestions you've received will go a long way to tightening up your story. I hope this helps, and best of luck.
Wow, thanks for the great feedback guys. Can't tell you how valuable it is to a novice writer such as myself. I'm going to implement the advice straight away!
I will certainly play around with the 'drawn out' V.O ending Craig. I agree it might better to tighten that section up.
I really liked this short. Everything that needed to be said has already been said by the other guys, but what I will add is don't get too bogged down about what's wrong and what's right regarding formatting. That will all come naturally. What cannot be taught is your writing style. You have flair girl. Keep up the good work!
There's a few places on the internet that can help you out as well. This is just one if you haven't checked it out yet. Mistake#2, but read all of them when you get a chance.
I'm not going to rehash anything else that was said, so I'll just give my overall thought. I had to read it twice. I have to agree this was pretty interesting, and a cool idea, but the problem lies in clarity here I think. A script that is clear, and easy to understand is what you want to strive for. (Of course I could have missed the point which I sometimes often do.)
Very entertaining despite a few problems. A good re-write will take care of it. If you submit the updated version I'll take another look.
Thanks DP and Ghostwriter! I hope keep perusing this one till I get some good clarity. I think I have a way I make the central premise clearer, omitting all the drugs etc. and simplifying the present circumstance more. Will certainly post a rewrite soon.
In the mean time I'll post something else I have been working on!
These are some trippy visuals you have written down here. I could paint a picture of what was going on in every scene. The dialogue could use some work though. Again, the visuals were really cool. Keep up the good work!
Hi. I am new to screen writing so have little in the way of technical advice as I am still learning but the spelling mistakes were a real distraction as were the spaced periods but this has been said before.
The story itself was incredibly imaginative and I had to read it twice to grasp it all - but I would have read it twice anyway as it was really enjoyable! If I had to describe it in three words: Trippy, Sensual, Deep.
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Crossing Over
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