Tina Darling by Cindy L. Keller - Comedy - A novelty sales rep loses her job after learning of her nettlesome mother's plans for a two week visit. Her fight to get her job back leads her down a path to the discovery of love and acceptance for her mother. 114 pages

contest: Quarter finalist at Page - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Cindy,

Is this a new draft that's getting it's own thread or a re-post of an earlier incarnation?

E.D.

Hi Brett,

Yes, this is a new draft. I've cleaned it up quite a bit, but I opened it the other day and still found some typos. Rrrrr...
What I write with doesn't have a spell checker.

I managed to iron out a lot of the wrinkles in the story in this draft.

Hello Cindy,

I went looking for my previous draft notes on the old thread.
I couldn't find them, has the thread been deleted?

This is the third pass at this script for me, and I see improvements.
I read through the first 35 pages today and will continue as work allows.
I don't know exactly what you did, but Brown and James feel less alike.
Perhaps you intro'd the thugs sooner and that's a big distinction.
I'd like more comradery between Tina and Gina. I see them as bosom buddies.
It still feels odd to me James isn't seen until act two.
A $50 bonus for five years of service seems awfully cheap.
Overall though, this does feel tighter, pity I can't review my old notes.

You mentioned a lack of a spell checker, I found some typos for you:

p. 1 fumbles blindly the clock
p. 24 Tina: It's fr from my boss
p. 31 Doctor line has errant apostrophe.

Hope this helps, looking forward to continuing the new draft.

Regards,
E.D.

Cindy,

Read pages 35 - 70 this morning.
I feel like there's not a whole lot going on in the mid section.
Get into a scene as late as you can and get out as soon as you can.
It feels like most of the scenes go on for a beat or two too long.

It seems too easy for Tina to get her job back.
I just realized that Tina's hubby and boss share the same moniker.
You may want to change that, and speaking of James.
He's virtually absent in the second act as well.
I think if we saw more of Tina's home life, we might get to know her better.

I like bringing the novelty toys more into the story, I want more of that.
It feels odd we don't revisit the mother, since we start off with her.
You intro the mother visit dilemma early, but it hasn't materialized yet.
There's got to be a way to ratchet up the stakes for Tina in the middle here.

Hope this helps, I'll try to wrap this up in the morning.
Good on you for sticking with this and getting those rewrites done.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Cindy,

Finished the script this morning.
Overall, I like this better than the previous draft.
It felt like it had more of an ending, though I still want more.
It nags at me that the husband and mother never figure into anything.
We set them up in the beginning, but rarely come back to them.
And neither character adds to the plot, they feel like after thoughts.

This draft feels longer, I seem to recall earlier versions in the 90s.
I feel like there's extraneous action description throughout the script.
Putting on off coats, getting in cars, described in detail, etc.
There are actions that can be implied by what you write.
If we cut to someone starting up a car and everyone's already in it, we know the rest.
I've struggled against this problem in the past.

I really like the screwball feel of Tina, but I want to know more.
I'd love to see some high school high jinks with Tina and Gina.
If we're not going to bring the husband in more, let's up the girl power.
I feel like a relationship component is missing to enhance the story.
Tina is a ray of sunshine and I look forward to seeing where you take her.

Thanks for sharing this latest draft.

Regards,
E.D.  

Hi Brett,

I waited until you finished with the script to answer your posts.

You said you thought it was too easy for Tina to get her job back.

Well, it was awhile, but it wasn't until after she went to see Mr. Brown. He thought she would make the perfect one to blame when the money came up missing.

You also said it didn't seem to be enough going on in the second act.

Did you mean with pranks like with the rat and fishing pole?

Why I ask that is because she loses her job, has trouble at the beauty shop as well as the store, gets her job back, spies on their boss, breaks into another office, gets hypnotized, gets caught trying to break into a house, and gets kidnapped.

I agree it would be a good idea to show more of Tina at home.
Maybe I'll do a little more.

I didn't want to use the mother again until the end so that Tina would learn after all the trouble she went through, her mother isn't really all that bad.

Thank you for the read,
Cindy

Quoted from CindyLKeller Hi Brett, You said you thought it was too easy for Tina to get her job back. Well, it was awhile, but it wasn't until after she went to see Mr. Brown. He thought she would make the perfect one to blame when the money came up missing. You also said it didn't seem to be enough going on in the second act. Did you mean with pranks like with the rat and fishing pole?

Hi Cindy,

Apologies for any vagueness in my previous comments.
Looking back on them, perhaps what I'm really missing is the B story.
What's the subplot? What did Tina do wrong that she has to undo or make right?
It's those kind of uphill battles for a protag I think I'm missing.
Yes, I do like the novelty angle, it's a nice spin on the old screwball.

Quoted from CindyLKeller Why I ask that is because she loses her job, has trouble at the beauty shop as well as the store, gets her job back, spies on their boss, breaks into another office, gets hypnotized, gets caught trying to break into a house, and gets kidnapped. I agree it would be a good idea to show more of Tina at home. Maybe I'll do a little more. I didn't want to use the mother again until the end so that Tina would learn after all the trouble she went through, her mother isn't really all that bad. Thank you for the read, Cindy

Those events are all there, but there's a conflict missing it seems.
And I think that's it's Tina is a victim, she doesn't really bring any of this on herself.
Perhaps if she were a more flawed hero, the other things that nag me would diminish.

Hope this helps.
Regards,
E.D.

Okay Brett,

I think I know what you mean now. What I tried to do was have the office life and everything that went wrong there she was trying to fix. The other was to make peace with how her mother was, to accept her as she is.

Cindy

I entered this script into the Page Screenplay Contest.

It made it to the top 25%, but couldn't muster enough umph to go any further.

Oh, well.

I'm thinking about writing a horror feature now. Not sure if I should create a new monster or give another ghost story a try.

Cindy

New logline, snyopsis.

When the new girl's actions threaten the job she loves in novelty sales, Tina and the boss' step-daughter turn detective and bumble their way to the discovery of a corporate takeover.

Rubber rats, whoopee cushions, and fake dog poo have got nothing on these two girls and their hijinks when they don their super spy glasses and go undercover.

TINA DARLING is a slapstick, madcap romp. A homage to classic shows such as I LOVE LUCY and LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY.

TINA DARLING made it to the top 25%  at the 2011 Page screenplay contest.

This is a new draft.
Hopefully, I can call this one finished after I fix a slugline.

I seen this one has been getting a lot of reads, but there hasn't been any comments.
Please comment. I can take it.
Cindy

Cindy: I read the first ten. My initial overall thoughts on this:

1. The main character descriptions are a little pedestrian. e.g., the girl next door type, the handsome man. Find a way to tell us more about the character in the descriptions. Make them pop a bit.

Here is a link with some cool examples:

http://www.trilane.com/analysis/charintro/charintro.html

2  The script really needs to be modernized IMO. You're telling a present day story with twenty something but it seems to be set in the eighties. e.g.,

- Tina would use a cell phone alarm rather than an old fashion one
- She would use a cell phone rather than a land line and would probably be looking at text or an image from Jimmy rather than a framed photo.
- She wouldn't have an answering machine - she use voicemail.

Basically, the action just struck me as it was set back thirty years ago.

3. The dialogue was a bit on the nose for me/unnatural i n a few spots.  To my ear (or eye I guess) whenever you can see the dialogue straining to get out background or a plot point that would be short hand or unspoken between the characters

Anyway - those were the macro level thoughts - a few nit issues as I read.

- Got confused on why Alice wasn't it in the hone. She had a V.O when Tina first awoke. Maybe never mind - I guess in the first scene she's just hearing her Mom in her head. Maybe that would be clearer if this VO was:

ALICE (V.O.)
(From answering  machine)
Hello. Tina? -- You’re probably...

But again - I would make this voice mail.

Quoted Text Large. Open. All the regular office machines. Just inside the room, a desk holds a computer monitor, keyboard, and a neat stack of papers. A water cooler is situated by the back wall. A coffee maker, creamer, sugar dish, and napkins sit on the counter next to the water cooler.

Really don't think you need all that detail. It's just a spacious business office with one desk. Don't need to write down to the details of the coffee condiments. It kills the pace IMO.

Quoted Text TINA Five A.M.?

Don't need a period and question mark.

Quoted Text TINA Geesh. I wonder if Robert Brown is as stressed about this merger as your stepdad is?

Too expositional - Tina would not refer to him as her stepdad if she refers to him as Daddy.

Quoted Text MR. ROBERT BROWN (40s)

You don't need the MR.

Quoted Text INT. JAMES’ OFFICE BUILDING - BACK TO TINA AND GIN

I wouldn't write a slug like this. Should simple be:

INT. JAMES’ OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

Quoted Text GINA Well, happy anniversary, Tina!

I would lose the Tina at the end. People don't keep using a person's name when they are talking to them and the ! puts the emphasis on Tina!

Quoted Text A glass door bordered with tall panes of shaded glass. Robert reaches the door. He inserts a key into the lock and gives it a turn. Two thugs, STEVEN (the taller of the two) and MICKEY both in their 30s, who look like they stepped right out of the 1950s with slicked back hair, jeans, and leather jackets, stand on the sidewalk and eye Robert. 6. Robert notices them. Terror strikes across his face. He pushes the door open and rushes inside. The thugs shove their way in behind him.

The action sequence here struck me as a bit unrealistic - improbable. The thugs are off on the sidewalk but somehow manage to shove the way inside before Robert has a chance to close the door. You already established he's afraid so - he would do that. It might work better if they sneak up behind him as he's inserting the key. i.e., that's the ah shit moment.

Quoted Text INT. JAMES’ OFFICE BUILDING - BACK TO TINA AND GINA

See above -  wrong slug

Quoted Text Gina suddenly remembers something. GINA Oh! I almost forgot. You had a call this morning.

How do you film suddenly remember something. Maybe go with something like - Gina taps the palm of her hand on her forehead.

Quoted Text MICKEY Two weeks! That remark forces Robert to squint with confusion.

No need to reference the remark. Just

Robert squints - confused.

Anyway - congrats on writing another feature - it is a tough road - I hope these notes help in some way.

Thank you so much for the tips. This one has sat for quite a while. Now I feel like a rewrite.
Kind of hard to find the time anymore, but your comments have helped me to see that it does need a revamp.
Thank you for your time.
I appreciate it and will check out that link.