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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Don't Panic Moderators: bert
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  Author    Don't Panic  (currently 2805 views)
Don
Posted: May 3rd, 2011, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Don't Panic by Yannick De Decker - Horror - A week ago, Jason Clayton was murderd by a masked killer. Now, his sister and her best  friend, Ruby Briggs are visited by the same person. Who is doing this? And why? But the most important question is: Who will survive?  82 pages - pdf, format


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: May 4th, 2011, 8:32am Report to Moderator
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Okay. That does it. The bold movement is now getting on my bad side. I've been seeing it for the last year in SS and other places; I was tolerant. No more. When the scene headers and characters slugs are all in bold, I think I had my fill. But that's just a growing peeve of mine. If you do it- at least be consistent (see p15)

One of the first actions right from the start is a camera direction, and chunks of past tense narrative, spelling errors (words spelled right but used in the wrong sense, like stars and starts- things spellcheck cannot catch) and about 'starts', 'begins' etc- all wasted words, since in theory, if a character does something, they don't really 'start' they are already doing. You also draw attention to these things-which is why I'm surprised you didn't see them as you are writing:


Quoted Text
But when she uncovers Zoey, she finds something horrible.
She releases a very loud scream when she sees Zoey lying
there, BLOODY AND DEATH.


That's how it reads- CAPPED and underlined.


Quoted Text
INT. ZOEY�S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING

A few moments later, Ruby comes down the stairs and is
horrified to see that the killer has disappeared. She runs
towards the phone and starts dialing 911.

OFFICER #1
991. What is your emergency?


In another thread, I mentioned the problem with Number People By Profession. It's worse when not only the profession is incorrect, but the error that follows. By the way, drop the 'few moments later' and leave with something like:

Ruby comes down the stairs. The killer is gone. Ruby runs to the phone.

That's all you need.
I'm going to take a guess here. I'm going to predict that if anyone other than myself were to read your script, they might stop around the top of page 9. There is something there that is there that does not belong. Get rid of it at all costs. It's not open for debate or further discussion.


Quoted Text

CREDITS ROLE

Credits role while we watch the city where all this is
taking place. The actors shown are: Emma Stone, Lucy Hale,
Tom Welling, Kyle Gallner, Aaron Johnson, Ashley Tisdale,
Marcia Cross, Robert Hoffman, Paul Walker, Viggo Mortensen
and Rose McGowan.


While it may be flattering to some that there's a part written and tailor made for them, the fact of the matter is this isn't your call to make, and you'll never find stuff like that in any script, produced or not. These may very well be acting talent you envision as you write, but you cannot make this call. Maybe the director has someone else in mind. Maybe Emma Stone or Paul Walker have a scheduling conflict and the roles have to be replaced. Maybe there might be actors better for these parts. Who knows.

As far as characters go, first names will be suffice.

I lost interest on p9, quit on p16.

Time to regroup, rethink and rewrite. On a positive note, it took some guts to have folks get a peek at this rough sketchy draft. You can do better.
-DjS


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 4th, 2011, 9:41am Report to Moderator
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I stopped after the first Slug and passage, before Darren had posted.

Check this out, Yannick...

Here's your opening Slug (and where is the FADE IN:"? "EXT. ZOEY’S HOUSE - OUTSIDE - EVENING" - Why in the world is there "OUTSIDE" in here?  It's an EXT scene, of course it's outside?  C'mon...

Your opening passage - "The camera focuses on a large house with a large garden.
It’s getting dark. There’s a light breeze." - Right out of the gate, you've got the dreaded "The camera focuses".  Game's over already, the read is over...but wait..let's finish the opening passage...

"large house with a large garden" - "large" used twice, back to back.  Terrible.

And the last sentence in the passage is a very important one - "There's a light breeze." - Well, there we go.  I think I know all I need to about this large house with the large garden.  I'm just wondering how important that light breeze will turn out to be.

Sorry, Yannick, this is pretty bad, and reading Daren's feedback, I know I did the right thing, stopping after the first 2 sentences.

Read some scripts here, read some articles online, read some books.  Good luck.
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YannickDD
Posted: May 7th, 2011, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hello,

To start, I want to thank you both for taking the time to reply!

I'm new to the forum and I'm also new at screenwriting. Of  course, I've practised a lot but this script is the first one that I was able to finish.

I also want to tell that English is not my mother tongue, I'm from Belgium and I normaly speak Dutch.

Now, about my script,
It's indeed the first draft, I didn't correct or adjust anything yet because I just want to find out what you guys think about it.

About the actors and actrices that I've put in the script, I only did this to create an image of the appearances of my characters. It's not because I wrote 'Emme Stone' that I want her to be cast, it's just something to help you guys imaginating how Ruby, for example, looks like. It's nothing more than that.

Still, I appreciate that you guys even took the time reading it and I'm really glad that I even got responses. I do hope that there's going to be more people willing to read it, because I do want to know what you all think about the story itself, the characters and the dialogue.

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leitskev
Posted: May 7th, 2011, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Yannick, welcome. Make yourself known around the board, read a few scripts, leave some reviews. You'll get a lot more reads and reviews. We'd love to have you involved and need your opinions. Again, very nice to meet you.

Kevin
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Lexalicous
Posted: May 18th, 2011, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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Well, I read through the script, but somehow the story didn't really get me. Actually, it looked like you only put together a lot of 90s-horror-movie-cliches. Two girls alone in a house with bad phone connection, a masked killer who stabs his victims, the policeman being the psycho in the end... all mashed up with a bit of teenage romance and highschool setting. Unless you're writing for Scream or Scary Movie, come up with something more original.


Quoted Text
A few moments later, Ruby is watching a movie. Suddenly, she
hears something upstairs. She startles and looks around. She
stands up and goes towards to stairs, to see if it’s Zoey
who has woken up. She doesn’t see anything and goes back to
the sofa.
She continues watching the movie when we see an unknown
figure getting closer. Ruby is not aware of this and keeps
looking at the television. The DARK FIGURE gets closer and
closer and tabs Ruby on the shoulder. She shrieks and looks
behind her. It’s Zoey.


Mistakes aside, and disregarding the fact that this is way to long, "She doesn’t see anything" is about the worst thing you can write in a screenplay. You're writing for a visual medium, and writing that a person IS NOT doing something is unnecessary.


Quoted Text

Ruby is standing somewhere at the front of the house. She
can’t hear anything what’s going on inside. She’s still on
the phone.


Same thing here. We can't look into people's head. (Unless there's a voiceover).


Quoted Text

Ruby enters the living room again while talking about her
mother’s phone call. She’s not aware of Zoey’s absence yet.

RUBY BRIGGS
God, I hate it when my mother...

Before she could finish her sentence, she finds out that
Zoey isn’t there anymore.

RUBY BRIGGS
Zoey? Where are you?

No reaction. She decides to go upstairs, to Zoey’s room.


Another useless bit. Why didn't you just write:

"Ruby enters the living room.

RUBY BRIGGS
God, I hate it when my mother...
(beat; confused)
Zoey? Where are you?

She goes upstairs."

Or something like that... this way, it's taking up a lot of space the scene doesn't even require.


Quoted Text

He tries to grab her but Ruby manages to defense herself.
She grabs a painting from the wall and hits the killer with
it, twice. He stumbles towards the stairs and he FALLS DOWN.


You're not writing a sitcom here, so action shouldn't be in caps, or underlined, or anything.


These things occur frequently, too frequently throughout the script. Workon that!
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YannickDD
Posted: May 21st, 2011, 5:27am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for reading it! I really appreciate it and your comments are very useful, I'll definetly work on that.


Quoted from Lexalicous
Well, I read through the script, but somehow the story didn't really get me. Actually, it looked like you only put together a lot of 90s-horror-movie-cliches. Two girls alone in a house with bad phone connection, a masked killer who stabs his victims, the policeman being the psycho in the end... all mashed up with a bit of teenage romance and highschool setting. Unless you're writing for Scream or Scary Movie, come up with something more original.


I do agree with you on this but the problem is, that I'm just a big fan of movies like scream and other popular slashers and that's why I decided to write my own slasher movie. Still, you're right about the clichés but I'm working on the script again and I'll try to change some things.
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