A Tribute To Everything by Daniel Jegthaug Tømta (Daniel Toemta) - Short - A special forces group must stop the sale of a suitcase nuclear device. 9 pages - pdf, format

Daniel,

This is timely subject matter in the wake of Bin Laden's alleged death, so I had to take a look.   The story was a very noble effort, but just "ok" for me.   Format-wise you've got some problems.   For starters, suitcase nuclear device would be better by just calling it a suitcase nuke or nuclear suitcase bomb. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suitcase_nuke

I'm pressed for time so I can't get into all the problems but here's a few that really stood out.  

Get rid of; A female voice with a British accent is heard.
A voice with a British accent is heard, this is GHOST.

EXT. GRASSY HILL – OVERLOOKING THE DOCKS - DAY
Need an action description

DANNY
(into head-mic)
We can‘t risk loosing them!
(LOSING)

Read & review other scripts on this site and people will be more han happy to reciprocate.  

All the best

While the start of this starts off a bit clunky with a whole ton of VOs and SAT "bird's eye views" - at least you set the stage of the Rainbow Six/Ghost Recon like Op that's about to go down. This short lighlty made me think of the Tom Clancy inspired video games and novels, and that's not a bad thing at all. I also don't know when you wrote this- while not exactly the same situation in recent real life events, it almost feels like it was written in a day or two. That's not a bad thing either with the exception that this piece feels rushed.

I don't mind code names as long as you stick to them, which you pretty much did. But I do question Bad Guys #1 through #10. I was going to let it slide even with all the unneeded sound effects ("whoosh-whoosh" here and a "bang-bang" there...and of all things, a "Rat-a-Tat-tat") but when most of the stock Bad Guys are disposed of, a few of them (or a new batch?) get back up to fight/die again in reverse order. As a result, action blends in together and the read gets cluttered.


I thought of something that could be used as an example. I'll quote a part of that produced script, called Hunter written by Jim & John Thomas.. Read this carefully.

Quoted Text          EXT. KNOLL - DAY                                                Schaefer races down the hillside, joined by Dillon,          leaving Hawkins to cover them.  Bullets burst around          their feet as they run low, firing short bursts to          his left and right.          He FIRES the undermounted GRENADE LAUNCHER, sending a          round into a gun position in the trees.  Still running          he breaks open the breach, slamming in another 40mm          ROUND from the cartridge pack at his waist.          Blain and Mac fire the heavy machine guns, laying down          a withering curtain of lead, shredding the camp,          taking out five Guerrillas at once.          EXT. GUERRILLA CAMP - DAY                             50          A MAN almost completely ON FIRE is hit by an onslaught          of GUNFIRE, ripping him back into the jungle.          Ramirez cuts loose a barrage from the SIX-SHOOTER...          seconds later the MACHINE GUN IMPLACEMENT erupts in          a series of EXPLOSIONS, blowing two Guerrillas into          the air.          At the HILLSIDE HUT, two Guerrillas move into position          by the window, drawing down on Schaefer as he appears,          racing down the hill.          As they are about to open fire, Dillon appears,          YELLING OUT a warning.                                  DILLON                   On your nine!!!          Schaefer dives, hitting the ground as Dillon OPENS          FIRE taking out the Guerrillas.  Schaefer rolls to          his feet, spins, firing the 203 grenade launcher,          completely destroying the hut.

WE all know what happened to this script from 1986; it was released in the summer of 1987 under the name Predator and of course, this is part of the sequence where Dutch (Schaefer) and his recon team take out the rebel camp. Notice you didn't read any numbers #1-#10- or in this case #1-#30. One or two of the Guerrillas is capped. one of them MAN on fire. The idea is that out of 30 some Guerrillas, the writers knew that nobody can keep track of everyone, but a good explosion will take out a handful of them. There are mini-scenes in the same general location; everyone takes out a bad guy or two, some offscreen.

When the smoke clears, the team has all but  leveled the camp. We didn't see every Guerrilla get shot or blown up, but we see the end result and the only survivor of that camp was a woman guerrilla (Anna) in hiding.

Bottom line is, we don't always need a play by play of a fight. If we do, we have to know where people are. But they shouldn't be "numbered".

Still, with a bit of shape, it could make a nice little Delta Force type of flavor. It's not a bad effort at all- but this Splinter Cell/Rainbow Six-ish actioner needs more than just a well meaning feel of patriotism. It feels like a quick scene out of a larger script. And rushed.

Don't fret. There's potential here. Lots of it.
Aside from Predator, look up other produced sp's that featured such scenes and how the writers (and the heroes) handle multiple, nameless thugs. Not just works of fiction like Predator, Rambo, The Expendables, The Delta Force and so on, but also Black Hawk Down, Platoon, and Windtalkers just to name a few.

-Djs

As it's already been said, it's kind of clunky. We've seen it all before, I was expecting a twist or something new. Instead it felt more like a walk through of places we've already been.

I feel like DJ said, there's a story here. You need to rethink what you have and add on. It's a cool action scene, but only that.

Thank you so much for all the replies. I feel like a bit of context is needed on this one. This short was originally just going to be the 2 action scenes and their escape and nothing more, but I decided to write an opening scene to make the viewer care a little more about what's going on by adding a suitcase nuke, and two main bad guys in stead of just 10 random ones.

The short was written to be shot and made by me in the coming months as a youtube action short intended to assert me along the greats in action videos on youtube, like corridordigital and freddiew.

There's a reason for the weak plot and the lack of a twist in the end, this short's focus is technical filmmaking and special effects, not story. Ie: the story is just there as an excuse to make it easier to watch. This is not a good thing in the long run, and I've decided to insert a twist in the end to make it more interesting to watch.

The two action scenes are refrences to a youtube film by corridor digital and the movie 300. It was impossible to convey this in a spec script so if you're interested, please read on.

action scene nr 1 is to be shot in one single take, with the picture freezing as Danny starts to shoot at the bad guys, then it would go in a circle around the situation like so: start on danny firing, picture freezes, camera moves sideways towards the bad guys in fast motion, since the camera is positioned sideways we don't see danny or the bad guys during the pan, when we get to the bad guys the camera will do a half-circle behind them in slow motion and then do the same sideways fast motion pan to danny, and so on and so forth. During the half-circles the action is freezed in time.

This is a refrence to this youtube video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A13kHkWNJi0

During Danny's showdown with Sean Miller and his goons the refrence is to the dolly shot in the action movie 300 seen here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTXlWYdodnc

As you can see, the build-up is the same, kill with tomahawk, throw the tomahawk, take out a machete, cut of a leg, knock a guy on his back, stab him in the chest.

The title of the short also has a meaning, it's intended as a tribute to action films. These tributes are all visual so they get lost when reading a spec version of this script.

The tributes are as follows:

1. The ant on the ground and an army boot squishes it. not a refrence to anything per se, more of a general refrence to openings of movies, such as indiana jones 4 ect.

2. triple split screen on ghost, bad guys and danny: the TV show 24.

3. even though I watched Carousel http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQ3D4CqHbJM before I saw Frozen Battle Scene I still consider Frozen Battle as the refrence to the first action scene

4. during the first action scene the camera will move in a circle around the characters, the half circle no cuts shot is a refrence to the shot used in the scene with the hatian drug dealers in Bad Boys 2 (also seen in Transformers)

5. freeze frame to slow motion as danny dodges 2 bullets: The Matrix. I was planning on having a full 360 Bullet Time sequence but as I was writing I decided against it, it would become a little stupid and over the top and it would look like I was just putting in the refrence to put it in. It would slow the movie down.

6.in the first action scene, when danny gets out of cover the shot will go from freeze frame, to slow motion to normal time: this is an obscure refrence to Inglorious Basterds, Tarantino used a teqnuice in this movie where he would have epic music to a slow moving shot (not neccesarely slow motion) and then follow it up with brutal and violent action, such as the bear jew beating the nazi with a baseball bat or the scene in the end in the projector room where the nazi movie star shoots the lady in read. this higlights the violence in the action greatly and makes it look a lot more violent than it actually is.

7. punching a person in the chest with a gun while firing it is a refrence to Tom Savini in Planet Terror.

8. the Django move used to kill the Lev, I want to say it's a refrence to Django, but it was used in Planet Terror and that's what I'm refrencing.

9. the intro on bad guys group nr 2 is a refrence to the introduction of the cops in the hospital in, yeah you guessed it, Planet Terror. that was a sweet movie, there's no denying it.

10. When danny sees sean miller and the second batch of bad guys and smiles I will use a Hitchcock zoom on Danny.

11.the second action scene dolly shot is an obvious refrence to 300.

12. the explosion behind the trees right after the dolly shot is a refrence to something but I can't put my finger on it. I watch so many movies, sometimes things run into each other in my brain and I forget the refrence point. may just be a refrence to films in general.

13. danny peers around the corner and gets a gun to his head is a refrence to the final scene in Leon.

14. "please don't kill me" is a refrence to A Fistful of Dynamite, the scene on a train where someone points a gun at the main character and we think he's got the drop on him and there's a long and tense moment, then he says "please don't kill me" and we see that the main character has had a gun on his stomach the entire time.

15. the reveal on Ghost is a refrence to War of The Worlds and Indiana Jones 4. Tom Cruise gets his car stolen and Indiana Jones is double crossed. Spielberg's brilliant.


As for the twist in the end, I was thinking of having the suitcase make a noise right before they get to the chopper and they open it and danny says something like "we're not done yet." then someone yells "RPG!" and the chopper blows up. I think that would make for a nice and open ending.

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock The short was written to be shot and made by me in the coming months as a youtube action short intended to assert me along the greats in action videos on youtube, like corridordigital and freddiew.

Would've been better to announce that when your script was first posted.    In any event, all the best with this project.   Hopefully you'll let us see the finished product.   And thanks for posting the link to the Philip's Carousel.  I've never seen that before.    Very cool.

Quoted from screenrider Would've been better to announce that when your script was first posted.    In any event, all the best with this project.   Hopefully you'll let us see the finished product.   And thanks for posting the link to the Philip's Carousel.  I've never seen that before.    Very cool.

I'm sorry screenrider, but simplyscripts didn't notify me when they published the script. I checked regurarly to see if it was posted but I've been busy these past few days and simply forgot about it.

Thanks for your support, looking forward to shooting it.