Tigan Regina by Eric Hansen (inquiringmind) - Short, Drama - After the fall there is no going back. 8 pages - pdf, format

Hello Eric,

I've seen you around the boards, thought I'd give this a look.
Honestly, I had a hard time following your story.
I guess the identity of your protag is the gist of the script.
She gets shot, someone presses charges, but she seems fine.
Because I assume she's not human, not that there's any early indication of this.

Your action description is confusing at times, here's the opening scene:

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT (1 AM)
Next to a night stand sits a glass of water and a bottle
of Advil.

Beside the night stand lays a young WOMAN in a red tank
top and white sweats.

First off, you don't tell time in a slug.
I'm no format expert, but I've never seen that before.
Secondly, the first line reads as if the water and Advil are on the floor.
It seems the woman is on the floor too, is there a bed in this scene anywhere?

I was confused from the get go and it didn't get any better for me, sorry.
There's also a blank page in the mid section of the script.
The font changes mid page several times.
The spacing on page 4, I think, is all weird and margins are inconsistent.

You also have a FADE TO BLACK in the middle of the script.
However, you just transition from that right into the next scene slug.
Which also tells time in the slug "DAY (7:30am)".
I've never seen this done that way on another script.

Sorry I can't be much help on this, it was a very confusing read.

Best of luck and keep writing and rewriting.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey ED. Thanks for the feedback. To be honest when I posted this script it was before I learned I knew next to nothing about formatting. So I apologize for once again creating a formatting mess. Three scripts were sent to simplyscripts aprox the same time. This was the last of the three.

With that said, I will take your feedback into account. I have too a much better job describing things the way I see it. Just because I can see it doesn't mean others will.

The story is confusing because there is back story I am not revealling. To be frank this is not a short story. This is a scene within a larger movie.

Hence I think it was a mistake to post it here. For that reason I am not surprised I got only one comment.

Sorina recovered from her wounds. She turned herself back into a vampire.

The story is Sorina was a gypsy turned vampire centuries ago by a head vampire. She was his mistress. Tigan (not Tiger) means gypsy in Romanian. Regina means Queen. Tigan Regina, Gypsy Queen.

Anyways Sorina turned mortal after the head vampire was killed. Because she still lived, she was freed from her curse.

However a clan of slayers (religious extremist) hunted the now mortal former vampires, because they were easier to kill. Sorina was the last female survivor.

This short conveys her struggle to remain mortal.

Will read the other posts after.

Hey Eric

I can respect the intention here. You are trying to humanize the vampire, show her attempt to become, if it's fair to say, good. She has tried to overcome her nature and her past is dragging her back.

I'm not sure you've succeeded yet, due to problems with the story and its presentation. I'm pressed for time, so going to be a bit random.

The tall man attempts to kill her because she killed his brother, and even though he knows she's changed her nature, he can't forget. OK. But then we find out he is part of some kind of order of vampire hunters, and that his brother had first killed their leader, perhaps a relative of hers. That weakens his motive in my mind.

The old man is a prosecutor I assume? And is part of the vampire killers order? And they discuss this as part of the legal case? not sure if that fits together.

And we don't really know if Sorina was willingly cured of her vampirism. She seems happy with it until the shooting.

Basically a lot of questions left open Eric. But something for you to work on. I think you're really trying to get into your character and her motivations, as well as the evolution of her makeup, and that's good. I'm sure this story will improve with fine tuning.

Edit: just read your post. You are creating a story which varies from vampire lore. That is good, but in this scene, presented as a short, it creates confusion since we don't know the story of the queen and how the others become mortal when she dies.

I think it's ok to post a piece of a feature as a short, as long as it can reasonably stand on its own legs as a short. In this regard, if your vampire legend is going to deviate so much from the norm, you have to explain a little in the dialogue somehow. So,,,if you attempt this again, posting something cut from a larger piece, I suggest altering it a bit so it can stand as a story on its own. Hope that makes sense.

I'm sorry, Eric, but this thing's a complete and utter disaster.

The writing, formatting, description, dialogue, grammar, word choice...everything is really bad.  Really, really poor.

I read through the entirely blank 2nd page and called it quits.

Back to the old drawing board.

Quoted from leitskev Will read the other posts after. Hey Eric I can respect the intention here. You are trying to humanize the vampire, show her attempt to become, if it's fair to say, good. She has tried to overcome her nature and her past is dragging her back. I'm not sure you've succeeded yet, due to problems with the story and its presentation. I'm pressed for time, so going to be a bit random. The tall man attempts to kill her because she killed his brother, and even though he knows she's changed her nature, he can't forget. OK. But then we find out he is part of some kind of order of vampire hunters, and that his brother had first killed their leader, perhaps a relative of hers. That weakens his motive in my mind. The old man is a prosecutor I assume? And is part of the vampire killers order? And they discuss this as part of the legal case? not sure if that fits together. And we don't really know if Sorina was willingly cured of her vampirism. She seems happy with it until the shooting. Basically a lot of questions left open Eric. But something for you to work on. I think you're really trying to get into your character and her motivations, as well as the evolution of her makeup, and that's good. I'm sure this story will improve with fine tuning. Edit: just read your post. You are creating a story which varies from vampire lore. That is good, but in this scene, presented as a short, it creates confusion since we don't know the story of the queen and how the others become mortal when she dies. I think it's ok to post a piece of a feature as a short, as long as it can reasonably stand on its own legs as a short. In this regard, if your vampire legend is going to deviate so much from the norm, you have to explain a little in the dialogue somehow. So,,,if you attempt this again, posting something cut from a larger piece, I suggest altering it a bit so it can stand as a story on its own. Hope that makes sense.

Hey Leitskev thanks again for taking the time to read one of my shorts. You're right about the concept and even the backstory of this short (a little surprised).

Like I said to E.D. I am not sure why I posted it on here when I guessed it would not be well received. There is a back story to Tigan. You pretty much nailed it too. Kudos. However I didn't write Tigan to be a complete short story.

Tigan is based on another character I created with the same name. Sorina is actually based off my feature film "The Vampire Spirit". Which is my sequel to "Bram Stokers Dracula" - not to be confused with the movie.

Putting formatting issues aside for the moment. When I wrote this short I knew that I wanted to tap into the world of this fictional universe without spending alot of money. Because I am a director/writer, I write shorts with a budget in mind. In that sense I limit myself the freedom most writers enjoy.

For that reason I think Tigan is exactly what you say: It's incomplete, and confusing (I hoped it to be more enigmatic).

With that said, I wasn't attempting to humanize vampires. I think there are alot of films and books that do that quite well already. I wanted to explore the mind of a vampire who became human again.

Think of Sorina as an ex-con trying to make it outside of prison. Some ex-cons struggle to re-adjust to societies norms, and are likely to reoffend. That is the best analogy I can think of for this story.

Anways thanks for the read and feedback.



    

Quoted from Dreamscale I'm sorry, Eric, but this thing's a complete and utter disaster. The writing, formatting, description, dialogue, grammar, word choice...everything is really bad.  Really, really poor. I read through the entirely blank 2nd page and called it quits. Back to the old drawing board.

Hey Dreamscale I'm sorry you didn't like the formatting part of the story. I am beginning to see I have work to do to get better, but it's hard for me to gauge problems with the formatting without specifics to measure it to good formatting.

However, the formatting is from Final draft. If you have an issue with the formatting then you have an issue with Final draft. I can adjust the content, the grammer, the wording, but I can't adust the formatting.

With that said, I heard I used progressive nouns so I've stopped doing that. I'm weak linguistically hence my grammer suffers. I think it might be a product with my reading dyslexia. I know what I want to say, but I have a hard time saying it.

The blank page derived from a bad conversion from Final Draft to PDF. I tried to fix it, but failed. I'd hoped most people would overlook it and keep reading, but I acknowledge it sticks out like a sore thumb.

Anyways thanks DS for the feedback. I hope next time I won't dissapoint.













  

Hey Eric, by formatting, I was not referring to your script writing software.  I should have used the word "technical mistakes".

For instance...

1)  Your Slugs are a mess.

2)  You're fading out and not fading back in.

3)  Your spacing is off in various places.

4)  Your wrylies are off

5)  Your SUPERS are off

Hope that helps and makes sense.

Quoted from Dreamscale Hey Eric, by formatting, I was not referring to your script writing software.  I should have used the word "technical mistakes". For instance... 1)  Your Slugs are a mess. 2)  You're fading out and not fading back in. 3)  Your spacing is off in various places. 4)  Your wrylies are off 5)  Your SUPERS are off Hope that helps and makes sense.

1) My Slug lines convey time and location. Isn't that what they are for?

2) Hmm I don't understand what you mean. I only faded out at the end of the script and faded in at the beginning of the script.

3) The spacing is not my doing. It was fine when I a wrote it, but I guess when I changed formats the spacing got a bit wonky in some areas. Okay thanks.

4) You mean the parentheticals? Tone wise they did exactly what they were intended to do, but maybe you were refering to the subtitles. Once again I am not sure I understand the issue.

5) SUPERS? You need to explain how they are used properly, because this is one term I don't remember learning.

Thanks DC.

Eric, I'm off to Vegas in a few, but wanted to try and set you straight before I leave.  I'm hoping good Karma follows me straight to the Blackjack tables!

1)  Slugs - You do not put exact times in your Slugs.  Use DAY and NIGHT primarily. MORNING, EVENING can also be used.  Otherwise, you'll use CONTINUOUS if the following Slug takes place right after or at the same time as the previous.  Or, MOMENTS LATER or LATER if that's the case.

Also, keep in mind that in a short short, it's usually no big deal, but when you write a feature, the more detailed your Slugs are, the better.  If you have more than 1 house, for instance, simply using "BEDROOM" or "BATHROOM" as a Slug isn't going to work, as we won't know which one we're in.  So, it's good practice to start writing Slugs properly and doing it all the time.  For instance, "SMITH'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT".  Or, BARBIE'S CONDO - KITCHEN - MORNING"

2)  You used "FADE TO BLACK" on Page 1 and never faded back in.  You did this again on Page 6.

3)  Yep, parentheticals are also known as wrylies.  On Page 4, you have "ROMANIAN" in parenthesis after "TALL MAN" in dialogue.  Not sure what this is but whatever it's supposed to be, it's incorrect.  If you're trying to use a wrylie to say he's speaking in Romanian, it goes underneath his name.

On the same page, you have a wrylie of "Whispering in her ear".  This is an area that some will and have disagreed with me in the past over, as it's an action wrylie, which I don't support.  But, read the action lines just above her speech.  It makes zero sense as written here.  You state that Sebastion steps aside as Sorina takes the floor, then all of a sudden, he's somehow whispering into her ear.  Doesn't work like that.

Then, on Page 5, you have some really weird "SUBTITLE" things going on, one with a "CONT." showing up as a wrylie.  Incorrect.

4)  When you want to show a SUPER, just write, "SUPER:  Whatever the Super says"

OK, that's it.  Class is dismissed, Teacher's going to Vegas.  Late.

Don't blame Final Draft for the formatting mistakes, Eric.  For starters, all the software does is set up the margins so you can write faster.  And I thought the right margin was a little wide...

The blank page was a problem.  The extra space after the headers shouldn't happen.  The first couple of lines on page seven are double-spaced.

Other formatting errors include not giving your characters names.  Tall Man?  Old Man?  Give them names.

Your dialog and descriptions give me the feeling that English is a second language for you.  I might be wrong, but I started thing this with the first line of the script:

Quoted Text Next to a night stand sits a glass of water and a bottle of Advil.

Next to the stand?  Are these items on the floor?  This description is better written as:

Quoted Text A glass of water and bottle of Advil is on a night stand.

I found the story very confusing, and there was nothing there to really keep my attention.  If your script was longer, I would've put it down.

I strongly recommend that you read some scripts, here, and see how it's done.

Hope this helps.


Phil

As I mentioned before to some one else that the margins got a little wonky when I converted from final draft to PDF. I tried to fix the blank page, but it caused more problems then it fixed.

I don't give characters proper names unless they use them in the script. It doesn't make sense to me to do something for the sake of doing it.

Quoted Text Your dialog and descriptions give me the feeling that English is a second language for you.  I might be wrong, but I started thing this with the first line of the script:

I never know how to take it when some one says this about me or some one else. The only thing I can say is its not true. Every English speaker isn't a born writer.

You go to South Central the average person there talks and perhaps writes differently than some one with a college degree. It doesn't mean English isn't their first language.

My background is science and culinary, and yes I will testify that for me writing is a work in progress.

One thing I want to note is that my dialogue runs through my head is if it were a real conversation. Real conversation isn't perfect.  

Quoted Text Next to the stand?  Are these items on the floor?  This description is better written as:

It was carelessness on my part. I should have said on a night stand next to a lamp.

Quoted from dogglebe I found the story very confusing, and there was nothing there to really keep my attention.  If your script was longer, I would've put it down. I strongly recommend that you read some scripts, here, and see how it's done. Hope this helps. Phil

Fair enough. I remember the days on simplyscripts when there were writers that loved these sort of scripts. Funny I never cared for them myself hence I can't blame you for being put off.

I can assure you I don't normally write scripts like this. If I should post or repost any more scripts they won't be so convoluted.

I am a filmmaker and I write to budget. I try to keep it small knowing I will shoot this myself. However Tigan is a character analysis on Sorina.

There is an open ending, but I left much to be desired in the way of backstory. I didn't come out and say Sorina was a vampire but hinted to it.

Maybe it's okay to be confused. When I saw Muholland drive the first ten times I never understood it. Even though I know the answer to the riddle now, I still don't understand the story.

But yeah I am done writing these kinds of shorts. I think enough people here have told me they need more. Hopefully when I have more money, I can write fuller stories with better structure and character development.

Thanks Dogglebe for your honest feedback. I will do better.

Quoted from Inquiringmind I don't give characters proper names unless they use them in the script. It doesn't make sense to me to do something for the sake of doing it.

Giving them names makes us a little more attached to them.  A description (tall man) doesn't do this for us.

Quoted from Inquiringmind You go to South Central the average person there talks and perhaps writes differently than some one with a college degree. It doesn't mean English isn't their first language. One thing I want to note is that my dialogue runs through my head is if it were a real conversation. Real conversation isn't perfect.

Writing dialog isn't the same as writing description.  I never expect dialog to be in perfect English.  In fact, it's better when it's not; it helps define the character.

I'm referring to the descriptions of the actions.  The night stand reference was one of several problems I had.

Quoted from Inquiringmind But yeah I am done writing these kinds of shorts. I think enough people here have told me they need more. Hopefully when I have more money, I can write fuller stories with better structure and character development. Thanks Dogglebe for your honest feedback. I will do better.

You can write low budget scripts that are fully development.  One of my favorite movies The Big Chill had a low below-the-line budget.  It was, essentially, seven people talking.  The Breakfast Club is similar.

Good luck with it.


Phil

You're entitled to selectively ignore Dreamscale. A disaster it wasn't, sloppy it was.

For some reason, your action way of writing is far better than your dialogue - action wise, there were errors, but your instinct for this part of the script was good - for some reason, your innate understanding of dialogue is miles off. Try some excercises - listen to what people really say, and then try writing them down - or get someone else to concentrate on dialogue.

Story-wise, I felt it was an intriguing start, but really it goes nowhere. Did you have a clear idea of the beginning, middle and end before you started?

Wanted to give you a return read and found this one. If you rather have something else read let me know.

I agree with the others that the format was a bit wonky to say the least. I'll ignore it however and will try to focus on the story and the telling of it..

First off though, I want to agree with Phil about naming your characters. You do as you want of course, but I always name characters that have a speaking part. I have a feeling actors prefer to play a named character rather than just a "description".

The story…stepping far away from it and looking at the very basics of it, it works. Sorina is a vampire who sees the error of her ways even if she can't help hit. She wants to be good, but her past keeps coming back to remind her of it. That's basically it and like I said, that works. Looking closer at the script, it becomes clear that your writing brings that basic story down some.  The good news, I think, is that most of your problem comes from lack of experience rather than talent. The things you did that hurt the story are easily fixable things. Like others mentioned format, but also the way you chose to tell it.

Main clunker and rookie mistake for me is including things that don't add anything to the story. Describing things we can't see on screen for example and too many descriptions.

Your dialogue was pretty weak. It didn't flow or at times didn't even make sense. I felt when I read this that it was probably written by someone who doesn't have English as their native language. Is that right? My suggestion here would be to get a couple of friends together and do a table read. Listen to how your friends deal with the dialogue. Does it seem natural and real or do they stumble?

Anyway, premise is good, but it needs rewriting to make it as good as it can be.

Good luck and best wishes.