Revenge by Alan Murphy - Short, Action - The short is about Revenge, with a twist. - html, format

OK I am not a pro at this but I will try to tell you what I thought of this script.

1st, No set up at all, we have no idea where we are, is it a motel, a house, a trailer? we do know it's a bedroom but thats it, is James 19 or 99 years old, at this point he could be either, with no introduction it's all guess work on the part of the reader, try to give as much visual detail as possible without writing an essay about it.

2nd, Quote - James asks his brother to pick him up at the store. He hangs
               up the phone, and walks to the store. - this dialogue should be written as such and not put in the the description, if they are going to speak, make sure it's scripted that way.

3rd, way to many fades and not enough description, when we first meet John we again have no idea who he is, it's all a bit rocky and disjointed

4th the dialogue, It's not the worst I've read, but it really needs work, picture the scene in your minds eye, would these guys really be talking this way?  after you have written a script, put it away for a week or two and then read it as a newcomer, ignore all you already know about the script and read only what's on the page, Does it make sense?

I think what I'm saying here is read lots of scripts, see how some work and others don't, there is a really useful tip someone once told me and that is - With films, you don't tell a story, you SHOW a story, that was good advice, it makes you think.

Sorry it didn't work for me.

I'm not going to say anymore, but nice try and Don't give up, keep at it.

Best wishes

i liked the idea alot but everything else didnt fall into place for me

i lost a lot of interest after you skipped the part where James calls his brother, yet there is no dialogue. you can't forget details such as this. to be honest, this one needs to go back to the drawing board. tighten it up and revise, revise, revise. the only reason im posting is to tell you to change either James' name or John's name. The J's make it all the more confusing

Ahhhh, save it as a PDF next time.

Fade to? Take those out.

The story had promise, but the execution wasn't the best.

Keep writing.

I'm with the first poster, this entire work needs a rewrite and more details.

Keep your action sequences minimal three sentences, maybe four or five.  During dialogue sparingly use parenthesis to tell us how they might say something.  

I feel that if you rewrite this, it will more clear.