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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Under The Cherry Tree Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 16th, 2011, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Under The Cherry Tree by Aldonnius Carter - Horror - Cherries have never been so sweet with terror. 81 pages - doc, format


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: May 17th, 2011, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, I don't know if you're sticking around, but there's a reason why most folks won't read this much, actually two.

1- it's a doc format, not pdf. Why is it always a hassle to convert a word doc to pdf for some people? It's not hard to do.

2- It's 82 pgs long. Just think, with an extra seven you could have had a full length attempt....

Well, maybe not. The format is off, grammar needs work and a lot of space at the tops of the pages with cramming under it. Factor in the early hillbilly speak (*a big mistake because words are mispelled intentionally but not only are they still mispelled but you teach your program(s) to accept those errors. Since spellcheck won't catch words that are spellied right but used in the wrong context, it will ignore those words. In addition, it slows down the read

Then there's things like


Quoted Text
EXT. SHACK (DOOR) – EARLY EVENING

Kat knocks on the front door.  No answer.  Kat turns doorknob and door opens.

               KAT
          Hello, anyone home.

INT. SHACK - CONTINUOUS

Kat opens door and calls out to see if anyone is home.


You are basically repeating information aready seen and heard. The door is already open; Kat's already called out to see if anyone is there.

As much as I hate to do this, I'm going to stop reading right about here. (8-9pga) - and highly reccomend that you start brushing up on how to write in the basic screenplay format. Not just pr'd scripts, but Syd Field's books, a McKee lecture, something.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 17th, 2011, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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Aldonnnius, Aldonnius, Aldonnius...Oh boy...where to even begin?

Darren gave you some great advice...here's some more.

Don't write like this...

"Jimmie finds bloody dog collar at base of tree.  Jimmie picks up collar.  Blood droplets bounce off the top of Jimmie’s hat.  Jimmie looks up and blood drops in Jimmie’s mouth; and body of dead mutilated dogs fall on top of Jimmie.  Jimmie’s screams are muffled by shock.  Jimmie so terrified can’t even stand.  Jimmie crawls away in shock.  Jimmie is suddenly beheaded from behind."

...it's just terrible.  Is it possible that you used "Jimmie" 10 times in this single passage?

Read some scripts around here.  Read some Pro scripts.  Read some web sites on grammar.

Good luck!
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ajr
Posted: May 17th, 2011, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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And to piggyback on what Jeff was saying, I'd prefer to be suddenly beheaded - it hurts less than a long, agonizing beheading. Try something like this:

"The killer grabs Jimmy by the hair. He drags the long, serrated blade across Jimmy's throat. He saws, slowly, with purpose, until Jimmy's head tilts to one side, thick crimson liquid spurting from the carotid artery, and then severs from the body."

Just creeped myself out a little bit there...


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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