Wilted Rose by Gabriel - Short, Drama - It's very easy to hurt your family. 11 pages - pdf, format

Hey Gabriel, tried to give this a read, but I'm all done about half way through Page 1.

Here's why...

"We hear "Beethoven-Moonlight Sonata". The sidewalks crowded
as usual. A sea of humanity. People come and go, always in a
hurry. Some of them are happy. Only a few. God knows why
they keep a naughty smile on their faces. The others are too
busy with their problems to observe that annoying smile. And
then, in this battle of moods, we see her(LAURA), a
mid-thirty woman. Her eyes express nothing. She floats
through this sea of humatinity."

You've got an 8 line passage...don't go over 4.  Keep each passage as a single thought, shot, idea, or description.

You usually don't want to include actual music choices, but that's far from the biggest issue here.

Really poor grammar and sentence structure going on here.

Poor, impossible to "see" visuals.

Unfilmables and asides here...irritating ones on top of that.  Useless ones as well.

The dreaded "we see"

Terrible intro and description of Laura.

And, you end it all up with a really bad typo/misspelling.

Good luck.  Read scripts.  Comment on scripts.  get to know some peeps here.  Keep at it and you'll see the error of your ways here.

Best of luck, bro.

Hey Gabriel,

First and foremost, Dreamscale is 100% correct. In fact, I dont blame anyone for not getting past the first page. Your script is plagued by spelling/grammar error, poor descriptors, and confusing dialogue. I'm guess that English isn't your first language (or at least I hope). I did find one line in particular quite amusing:

"Her husband hit her, this time with his feet."

Isn't that a kick? I just pictured some guy who had feet for hands slapping his wife...

Regardless, I wanted to judge this one on story alone. Unfortunately, it's almost as poor as the grammar. I've been reading a lot of scripts from new comers lately and they ALL seem to focus on the same subject (murder, suicide, and/or abuse). its so trite and utterly pointless. Before writing a script, I think its important really hone in on what you're trying to say. What's the point of your short? is it to make us laugh, make us think, make us scared, etc.

so think about your message, pick a more unique subject matter, and write some more!

Gabriel,

I hate to be so down on something, but I ditto everything Dreamscale and albinopenquin stated. I tried twice to get through the opening description but just couldn't wade through it. You really need to read some screenwriting books and read some screenplays if you want to write screenplays. I don't even know if you had a good story idea because I just couldn't get past the first page. Sorry.

I'll try and be positive here.  I read the first couple of pages of the script.  They story seems like it could be good, but there are way too many errors for me to be able to focus on it.  Like everyone else above me has said, each passage should be its own shot.  Keep them relatively short.  A lot of the descriptions were confusing.  

For example:
"People come and go, always in a
hurry. Some of them are happy. Only a few. God knows why
they keep a naughty smile on their faces."

Why are first some happy, and then only a few?  I would delete that last line in this quote as well.  

This needs some work.  Fix the typos, passages, and wording.  If you do this, then the script will turn out great.  Keep up the good work!

Gabriel,

Like the others I don't wish to be harsh but I would recommend you follow the good advice provided before. Even to someone like me who would tolerate minor errors it just doesn't pass the basic tests.

Has the idea got legs? Well possibly but totally different to how it is currently written. I would also add that an abusive husband and a life unfulfilled are not unusual topics; so what's the difference? What would make it stand out and interest the reader?

Keep going.

I don't understand...this script has been posted since 5/17.  It's horrifically written and formatted.  The author has never once responded to any feedback.

Why is it that it's even being read?

Fair point.

I hadn't spotted the date, it just came up as script of the day when I logged in.

Time for something else.

Hey Reef, no offense meant, and you can read and comment on anything you want to, obviously.

Thing is, there are many writers who post scripts here, get feedback, and never even respond, let alone read and comment on anyone else's scripts.

Gabriel,

Start by buying a screenwritting book. Many are on the market. I see you have the desire, it's just not coming out in your writing.

I didn't read the entire piece because it was truthfully painful. Sorry dude.

Peter

Peter,

Why do you keep bumping it?

A lot of good writers are out there waiting to be read and are wanting to respond.

Let it settle to the bottom. If the writer wants to reply, then so be it.

Shawn.....><